Why does a child begin to feel anger and annoyance towards a peer who, as it seems to him, undeservedly possesses something he desires? Is this the result of bad parenting? Character trait? A trait that needs to be eliminated? We deal with the existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova.
Manifestations of envy are quite easy to recognize. The child does not want to part with someone else’s toy. Sobs if someone is praised for a drawing, but he is not, and may even hit, tear this work. Brings other people’s things from kindergarten or starts stealing money.
We distinguish envy by the daughter’s fascinated look, which she is unable to take away from her friend’s beautiful doll, and by the annoying: “Why does Katya have everything, but I only have one stupid old barbie?” And out of indignation of her schoolboy son: “Maria Nikolaevna always lets her beloved Dimochka speak, but she doesn’t even look at me!” And according to the complaints of siblings: “Why is he.she always first? Why is she/him the best?
Envy of other people — their material wealth, their personal relationships and achievements — when does it arise in a child and where are its sources?
“Somewhere by the age of five, children already have the experience of envy,” explains psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. Why at this particular age? Because from about the age of four, a child needs to receive recognition of value from his parents. Before, in early childhood, it was not so important, there were other signs of a good relationship. But from the age of four, as the psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut said, the personality of the child brings up a shine in the eyes of the parents. Without this brilliance, «the child’s narcissistic self cannot mature enough.»
The sparkle in the eyes is not necessarily praise. But children are very sensitive to the fact that parents notice their achievements. When a mother or father notes that their child already knows how to do well (he said well / drew / jumped high), he understands that he is thereby receiving recognition from his parents.
All children from 4 to 5 years old become, as it were, a little conceited. They are very sensitive to the approval and praise that other children get, and they are envious of them. And then it kind of goes away on its own. Saturated with recognition, children trust their parents and move on with more confidence. But for some children, these painful experiences remain. Sometimes envy manifests itself as greed (“I won’t give it back!”), And sometimes it manifests itself as jealousy (“You don’t love me like a brother!”).
“Feelings of jealousy, envy and greed are indeed closely related, close in their internal mechanism,” confirms Svetlana Krivtsova. — All of them are connected (for an adult too) with the lack of a sense of «I am good and worthy of love without any conditions.» This feeling is very necessary for a person, and if he does not exist, he suffers and begins to desperately fight for love, even demands it, and at the same time he acutely feels injustice towards himself, notes who has what he wants, compares, is indignant and suffers. When a child has to demand love, it means that the foundation on which the personality is built has been broken.”
Accept destructive impulses
The breakdown of the “foundation” occurs much earlier, in the second or third year, when the child, until now so dependent on others, begins to show his autonomous will. Erik Erickson writes that at this time, «desires come on the scene, literally tearing the child apart.» At this time, it is especially important to strengthen in him a sense of self-confidence and support the desire to «stand on your own feet.»
If the parents do not accept his conflicting, destructive impulses, they seem to let him know that something is wrong with him. Basically. Whatever he does. And the child believes because children believe their parents. And he begins to feel ashamed of himself — the kind of feeling that we would experience standing without pants in front of people.
What is the reason for the rejection by adults? Sometimes — in their inattention and illiteracy, in their own frustrations, which they project onto their son or daughter. But there is another reason: insufficient sensitivity to a child with special needs.
“There are children with whom mothers do not experience serious problems,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. — It is easy to negotiate with them, they play well and fall asleep alone, they do not need constant mother’s presence. And there are other children for whom, according to Klaus Brisch, a leading attachment theorist, a mother with an average degree of sensitivity is not enough, because these children are too vulnerable. From birth, more than others, they need their mother’s attention and careful attitude.
These children may experience a particularly large deficit of self-worth. They do not realize the cause of their painful experiences. But unconsciously they form a certain way of compensating for this feeling of insufficient “goodness”. How does this happen?
“At some point, the child suddenly discovers: if you want something very strongly, directly desire it (a toy, for example), then it becomes easier,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. — Confidence arises and is emotionally fixed: if I get this, then there will be no pain. Background anxiety instantly turns into activity for the sake of possession. And the pain subsides.»
Such a pattern of feeling (a painful experience of one’s own badness — an attractive external object — the will aimed at obtaining it — a decrease in anxiety) is now fixed and becomes habitual. True, a bad feeling very quickly returns again, again you have to look for an external object of desire. Everything around is suitable to become an ersatz of the experience «I am good and worthy of love.»
The child is now insatiable in the desire to possess the things that his buddies have. And at the same time begins to feel hatred for those who have it. It seems to him that a child who has this phone or a designer should be punished, because this is unfair, because he himself needs it so much.
He envies his younger brother or classmate when he sees that he is loved just like that. It seems to him that when he gets what he wants, then he will be loved. He begins to plan how he will get it, falls into activism and at this moment feels relieved, it seems to him that he has control in his hands, that he can do something.
Therefore, envious children are unusually inventive, they sooner or later get what they need. But, unfortunately, they do not get what they really need.
Do not suspect, but understand
How do parents respond to their child’s jealousy attacks? Do not suspect or blame him for anything bad, but try to understand what is behind this exactingness. Talk about the child’s feelings, first admitting, «I can see how much you want this.» And then — to understand what it is connected with. What experience does the child lack now? What does this doll or iPhone mean to him?
The child is sure: having got what he wants, he will become someone valuable, cause a sparkle in his eyes. It is pointless for him to say that this is an ersatz, a mistake, it will not help as long as he has a deficit of his own value. This deficit is formed by parents, but it is in their power to make up for it.
“Envy is not cured by spanking or punishment, they can only push the child away,” recalls Svetlana Krivtsova. — She is treated with sincerity, parental tears (yes, I love you, but you hurt me so much that I cry). It is treated with the remnants of trust, affection, from which you can grow something, if you are attentive, empathize with good and bad and evaluate less, just be happy for him, admire with a gleam in your eyes.
Be close to your son or daughter not in the role of a parent, but yourself, an honest and kind person who is touched by everything that happens to the child. You still have a lot of time ahead and many chances to fill it with this warming feeling: it is heard, understood and loved just like that.