Psychotherapist Anna Varga works with families in crisis. Social psychologist Arthur Aron studies the laws of love. We asked them about what the happiness of two people depends on.
Psychologies: What couples can be called happy?
Anna Varga: Those who like to be together. They understand that their union gives everyone additional opportunities in life. Together they are stronger and their quality of life is better. Everyone feels gratitude towards the partner, because he sees his important contribution to the relationship of the couple and to his own life. In addition, these are couples who do not doubt the strength of their relationship and understand that their union can withstand many strong shocks and survive.
Arthur Aron: These are couples who are satisfied with the relationship. They are not unhappy! This means that, firstly, they do not experience much stress (a couple who lives in a war zone or in which one of the partners has just lost someone close is not in the mood to reflect on the quality of the relationship). Secondly, they do not suffer from mental or physical illness (for example, when one of the partners is depressed). Not being unhappy also means having the support of family and friends. In Western culture, when two people decide to live together, they care little about what their loved ones think. Meanwhile, over the years, especially when children appear, it becomes almost impossible to build long-term relationships if the environment is critical. In addition, it is necessary to have at least minimal ability to communicate, in particular in order to resolve conflicts. If these elements are present, then we can talk about what will allow the relationship in a couple to flourish for real.
- How do we know it’s love?
And what is it?
A. A .: When your romance is just beginning, you feel aroused and easily open to each other, but this impulse fades away in a period of several months to two years. And if at this moment you start doing something new together, you can relive the joy and excitement of the first months. Our recent research showed that finding one hour a week to do something like this together has the most beneficial effect on relationships in the long run. Provided that you do not choose activities that cause too much stress, because this can have the opposite effect.
What else strengthens the relationship and allows you to call the union happy?
A.V.: Two people are happy if they have common values, respect for each other and a common idea of a joint (favorable) future. If they do not have secrets from each other, they can share a lot, especially what is important to them at the moment, answer any questions about themselves and do not regret it, because they meet understanding and support from a partner. Relationships become closer when partners experience some kind of experience together. It can be anything — traveling, learning something together, overcoming difficulties and stress, caring for children and loved ones, building and repairing, moving … The main thing is to understand each other’s contribution, be glad that we were together at these moments, cherish memories . It is also important that the couple find suitable forms of bodily contact for each (for example, some unions need sex, some caresses and tenderness, some like to bathe together in a bath, others are attracted to swing).
A. A .: It is important to celebrate each other’s successes. When he or she goes through a difficult period, you support your partner, don’t you? And this, of course, is good for your relationship. But only in the sense that it would be much worse not to. Whereas if your spouse succeeds, the situation will not become less beautiful without your support, but it can be incomparably better thanks to it. This is a kind of additional capital for your family. In addition, by supporting your partner only in case of difficulties, you associate him with the problem. And you risk making him feel like you are his mother or boss. It is very important to express gratitude — not only to say, but also to think «thank you», even for the smallest everyday things that your partner does. And it is useful to be friends with other couples — it brings novelty to the relationship.
- Why is it so good to be in love
Is boredom in a couple always a bad sign?
A. A .: Boredom doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a couple. Many stay together despite boredom, but it certainly reduces relationship satisfaction. This proves that happiness and longevity are not the same thing, although they are closely related.
A.V.: Boredom is a sign of some unpleasant internal compromises and pretense. That is why it is so dangerous for relationships. One of the partners wants to do something that the other is not interested in. Spending time alone can be a shame for some of them. But together it doesn’t work.
What place does sexuality take in the lives of happy couples?
A.V.: A place that suits both: the most important thing is agreement on the frequency of sexual relations, their diversity, rituality and forms (ordinary sex or erotica). I had an older couple who were looking for forms of sexuality appropriate to their age. They could no longer engage in traditional sex — a woman after menopause had a very reduced need for sex. She didn’t have orgasms. My husband had an unstable erection, which made him very upset. After various attempts, they came to the point that they began to take a common bath with candles, massage each other, and this restored their sense of bodily harmony.
A. A .: The quality of the sexual relationship is an important element, but more important is the physical contact — kissing, touching each other, hugging each other… In our studies, partners who were deeply in love with each other, although they had been married for 20 or 40 years, could no longer have sex, but were constantly in bodily contact. And I have not seen very happy couples who would not exchange gentle gestures, glances. Longitude of looks is another accurate predictor of a couple’s longevity.
- Bored… is love over?
Can a happy relationship be supported by the separation of partners — life in different apartments, cities, countries?
A. A .: I can only speak about families that live far from each other by force. For example, when partners work in different cities or when one of them is in the military. Much to my surprise, research confirms that they are doing just as well as other families, but not better.
A.V.: This is possible if partners maintain contact, exchange information, and meet regularly. This situation is easier to withstand for couples who, even before separation, existed at a great distance from each other. If they were very close, life at a distance is more difficult. But the reason for this style of relationship is important. Forced separation (arrest, for example) is experienced more easily. Voluntary decisions can act more destructively for a couple. There is always a doubt — was it really necessary to be separated? What if the initiator of the separation didn’t just go to work or didn’t go because of the children, but simply because he didn’t really want to?
If we compare love stories that begin with a storm of passion, and those that unfold gradually, which one will have a better forecast for the future?
A. A .: The strength of the love feelings that two people experience at the very beginning of a relationship affects the quality and strength of their relationship. For those who were not passionately in love at the beginning, the prognosis is unfavorable.
A.V.: It is impossible to answer unambiguously. It’s not about how the relationship started, but how it developed. If the connecting threads grew, then the prognosis is good, if this did not happen or even worse, the threads became thinner, then the prognosis is bad.