There is no generally accepted definition of infidelity. Each couple evaluates their own situation and sets their own rules in the relationship. In many ways, these rules are related to the values of specific people. But still, there are some universal markers and components, which, as a rule, includes infidelity.
Secrecy
This is the main organizing principle of unfaithfulness. Cheating always remains in the shadow of the main relationship. An unfaithful partner always hopes that his betrayal will never be exposed. It is secrecy that enhances erotic attraction. We have known since childhood the joy of keeping secrets. Secrets make us feel stronger, they make us less vulnerable and more free.
But in adulthood, this forbidden pleasure no longer meets with approval. One important attribute of secrecy is its ability to create the illusion of autonomy and control. This is often mentioned by those who feel disempowered in one way or another. For them, an affair on the side is an opportunity to set their own rules. “I can’t be controlled everywhere,” they seem to say.
Cheating comes with risk, danger, and the rebellious energy of the unlawful. Unsure of our next date, we freeze in anticipation. Forbidden love lives in a closed universe, fenced off from the rest of the world. Novels flourish on the fringes of our lives, and their charm doesn’t fade until they emerge from the shadows into the light.
However, keeping secrets can also be difficult. Settling in the heart of infidelity, they fuel deceit, denial, and subterfuge, and spur the development of the most sophisticated deception strategies. A double life sometimes leads to isolation. Over time, it provokes burning shame and fuels self-hatred.
The essence of many betrayals is not in sex, but in the desire to feel special, to be in the spotlight, to attract attention.
For a deceived partner, revealing a secret can be disastrous. Many admit that the endless deceptions hurt them the most. «It’s not that he cheated, it’s that he lied.» And yet, the secrecy condemned by some is considered “prudence” by others, claiming that it hurts and humiliates the fact that the traitor did not manage to hide his adventures well enough.
Any conversation about infidelity requires a discussion of secrets. But it’s also worth asking yourself the question: what about personal space? Where does privacy end and secrecy begin? Is surveillance an adequate preventive tactic? Does intimacy require absolute transparency?
Sexual alchemy
Cheating sometimes includes sex, and sometimes not, but they always mean erotica. According to Marcel Proust, our imagination is responsible for love, not the other person. The nature of eroticism is such that an imaginary kiss can be no less bright and exciting than several hours of real lovemaking.
Can a relationship that technically doesn’t have sex be considered cheating? When partners do not even touch each other, but only talk? According to the sexologist, refusal is no less erotic than consent. And the essence of many betrayals is not in sex, but in desire — the desire to feel special, to be in the spotlight, to attract attention. All this is accompanied by erotic languor, thanks to which we feel alive, renewed, full of strength. Energy is more important than the action itself, and magnetism is more important than the sexual act.
Cyberspace adds a lot of nuances. Is virtual sex real? Looking at a naked woman on the screen, are you simply immersing yourself in the temple of your imagination, or are you stepping into dangerous territory of betrayal? Philosopher Aaron Ben-Zeev rightly argues: “The transition from a passive imaginary reality to an interactive virtual reality in cyberspace is much more radical than the transition from photographs to cinema.” One can argue about what exactly is real and imaginary, but one cannot deny the alchemy of eroticism.
All these disputes inevitably raise the question of the nature of erotic freedom. Do we expect that the erotic consciousness of our partners will belong only to us? It’s not just about thoughts, fantasies, dreams and memories. It’s about excitement, attraction and self-satisfaction. Can these manifestations of sexuality remain a mystery to another? Many believe that partners should share all aspects of each other’s sexuality. Upon learning that their partner is masturbating or still harboring feelings for an ex, they may consider themselves betrayed.
Based on her therapeutic experience, sexologist Esther Perel notes that maintaining the erotic flame is best done by those who are ready to leave something a secret. It is the elusiveness of a partner that makes us return to him again and again to learn more about him. In any case, each couple should discuss each other’s sexual independence.
Emotional involvement
Passionate feelings inevitably accompany romance novels. “I thought I knew love, but I never felt like this in my life,” we hear again and again. People in this state talk about love, transcendence, awakening, fate, divine intervention — a feeling so pure that they simply could not miss it, because «to reject these feelings meant betraying oneself.»
Is sex always just sex? Maybe a casual relationship is not accompanied by any feelings, but it still means a lot.
For those experiencing such an unparalleled love story, the term «fling» doesn’t apply, as it doesn’t even come close to reflecting the emotional depth of their experience. As we move on, there is a whole range of contacts that are characterized by varying degrees of emotional involvement. At the opposite end of the spectrum are the fleeting hobbies—entertainment, anonymous, virtual, or paid. In many of these cases, people insist that their infidelities were not emotionally involved. Some even argue that therefore they cannot be considered a betrayal. Often the phrase is heard: “It didn’t mean anything!”
But is sex always just sex? Maybe a casual relationship is not accompanied by any feelings, but it still means a lot. It’s funny how some people minimize the degree of emotional involvement in order to mitigate their wrongdoing («It didn’t mean anything!»), while others, for the same purpose, emphasize the emotional nature of intimacy («Nothing happened!»).
A lot of ink went into deciding which was worse, stolen love or forbidden sex. People are vulnerable to varying degrees: some do not care about the emotional attachments of partners until they dissolve their hands, while others do not attach much importance to sex, giving the partner the freedom to play until feelings interfere. They call it «emotional monogamy.»
Most of us find it difficult to separate sex from feelings. It happens that both sex and feelings abound, but it happens that one is much more than the other. But usually both sex and emotions play together in the sandbox of cheating.
Adapted from Esther Perel’s book Right to Left.