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We say goodbye to childhood friends, classmates and colleagues, we leave our hometowns, we leave those whom we once loved, and sometimes we still continue to love … How to survive a breakup correctly?
From the moment we are born, we are doomed to parting. They accompany us throughout our lives. Love leaves, loved ones die, dreams fly away, children grow up … Such is the common destiny.
“The pain of separation testifies to the strength of our attachment,” says psychotherapist Vladimir Baskakov. – You can only part if we met someone for real. If there is no meeting, there are no problems of parting.
Collateral loss
In counseling offices, clients repeat similar stories of past, present, or future breakups—of being abandoned, abandoned, or betrayed; about how ties were broken or lost with those who played or continue to play an important role in their lives: with parents, brothers or sisters, friends or lovers, children or teachers.
Whether these breakups were voluntary or forced, whether they were caused by a conscious intention to make your life better or by a coincidence, they all hurt.
“The end of a relationship is not painless, because at this moment we are experiencing a loss,” emphasizes psychotherapist and family coach Elena Moksyakova. “The deeper the relationship was, the more the partners managed to create in common, the longer and more serious the grief will be.”
Parting is often associated with the need to resolve material issues: the division of property, custody of children. And in any case, we are losing our usual reality, the world is no longer safe and predictable.
“We are losing ourselves – what we became next to the lost loved ones at the best of times,” continues Elena Moksyakova. – Status in society and former identity: I used to be a “family man”, but now who am I?
In addition, we suffer from a whole range of psychological problems: “Childhood traumas come to life, because of which a new separation looks like rejection by a parent.”
In adulthood, entering into relationships with others and obtaining vows of love and fidelity, many try to make up for what they once lacked in childhood. There is another option – on the contrary, do not trust any form of mutual obligations for fear of re-experiencing the tragedy of the gap.
Little death
We lose not only what happened, but also what could have been. “We were planning a joint vacation on the Volga, I was about to buy tickets, and a day later my wife suddenly announced to me that she was leaving for another,” recalls 38-year-old Yuri, who survived a divorce a year ago, “and I’m still offended: why was it necessary talk about the future if it didn’t already exist?”
After parting, we have to rebuild plans, and this is difficult, because feelings are in turmoil: anger and resentment rage in us, and we have to independently cope with these feelings that have lost the addressee.
Sometimes the separation is incomplete – this often happens when a couple with children gets divorced. They are looking for a new distance, a way to communicate in a different capacity. Ideally, the two change their status: they part as lovers and continue to take care of the children as parents.
But in reality, it is difficult for us to separate these roles, and often we go through a long and painful process before finally deciding what position we are in.
“Parting is the complete end of a relationship,” notes Elena Moksyakova. “Starting new ones, for example, becoming friends, is possible only after a pause: a thorough reboot is required here.”
It is up to grown children and parents to redefine relationships. Instead of obedience and submission on the one hand, education and guardianship on the other hand, other grounds for interaction are being created – adults related to each other with a common history. And this is also a breakup.
In addition, unfinished former love relationships do not allow you to enter into new ones. “In order for the new to appear, the old must die, making room for it,” emphasizes Vladimir Baskakov. To get out of the uncertainty between the old and the new, it is necessary to mourn and put an end to history.
big parting
The biggest separation we experience is the death of a loved one. “When one of the couple dies, the other feels guilty for not following him,” says Vladimir Baskakov, “but this feeling also indicates that he is alive.”
The irrevocableness of death puts us before the fact of existential loneliness: everyone is separate, but also unique and irreplaceable. After the death of a loved one, we restore autonomy and recreate our life anew, including relationships with loved ones in a new quality: as precious memories that become part of ourselves.
Vladimir Baskakov recalls the story of Francis of Assisi: “When his best friend died, he said:“ I am madly sad that he is gone, but I am madly happy that he was with me.
So that the pain of loss does not overwhelm us, it needs to be balanced with a good memory of all the light that is associated with the lost loved one. Then we will be able to stand on our feet: grieving, but not perishing.
untie the knot
An ideal relationship, Vladimir Baskakov believes, “is like a sea knot: it holds tightly, but at the same time it is easily untied if you know where to pull it.” However, often our ties are either fragile, or, on the contrary, tightened too tightly, and we unravel them with difficulty, like a wet rope.
“To survive the loss and end the relationship, you have to go through the whole process of mourning: shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance. If we avoid this, then we will forever feel attached to someone who has forgotten to think about us, ”warns Elena Moksyakova.
There are two sides to a breakup: the physical one, the separation, and the psychological one, the end of the relationship. Sometimes it matches.
When Hugs Are Not Enough
We suffer from separation not only mentally, but also physically, recalls the psychotherapist and sexologist Irina Panyukova. And explains what is happening to us and how we can help ourselves.
Body contact is our basic need. When intimate relationships end, she ceases to be satisfied. Hugs, kisses, smells disappear, we no longer hear the voice of another, we do not feel his presence nearby.
The deficit of tactility accumulates in the time leading up to the separation. Relations in a couple rarely break off suddenly: as a rule, at first they gradually deteriorate, there are fewer contacts. But there is still presence, sensory stimuli. When they disappear, there is an impression of emptiness.
Physical discomfort enhances emotional experiences. Growing anxiety can be expressed as heaviness in the chest, general tension, increased muscle tone. And if earlier hugs and erotic games helped to overcome any disappointments and failures more easily, now stresses are not removed, and the stress of losing relationships is added to them.
The greater the stress, the greater the need for support. Including – in bodily contact, which is no more. As a result, tension builds up in the body. But we usually perceive this not as “stress has increased in all respects”, but as “I miss the sensations, those habitual actions that helped me feel good, I miss my loved one, who is no longer around.” In fact, we miss the state that we had before.
If all our attention is riveted on discomfort, it is harder to experience a breakup. As with a bruise, the first reaction is to rub it, blow it so that a new irritant kills the pain, so after parting, you should look for what new bodily sensations will help you recover (jogging, intense massage). Do not extinguish experiences, but switch to new experiences.
It is useless to try to replace the lost partner with another – such attempts most often increase the loss. But do not avoid friendly and kindred hugs. Perhaps it makes sense to have a pet that will make up for the lack of tactile sensations. Fish and birds will not work, but a dog or a cat is fine.