Dating sites rely on an extensive card index and the method of psychological coincidences, claiming that this will allow us to get to know a loved one. And although popular sites attract millions of users, studies show that they are not able to fulfill all their promises. What can they really offer us?
Psychologist Eli Finkel’s Northwestern University Study Helps Understand the Strengths and Weaknesses of Online Romance1. Here are three main criteria by which virtual sites are considered to outperform traditional methods of dating.
1. Meeting
On the one hand, the opportunity to get acquainted with the profiles of hundreds of candidates is an obvious advantage. On the other hand, we are not able to evaluate a virtual questionnaire as carefully and reliably as a person we met in real life. And we run the risk of passing by people close to us, getting stuck in correspondence and subsequent meetings with those who will disappoint us.
Treat selected candidates not as potential romantic partners, but as items in a virtual supermarket
Dr. Finkel also notes our attitude to the selected candidates not as potential romantic partners, but rather as lots in a virtual supermarket, which we, if desired, can exchange for new ones. Thus, we are less ready for rapprochement, because deep down we are sure that thousands of new opportunities await us, and we will find the only one who fully meets our expectations. But this search may be endless.
2. Communication
Many are involved in online communication, and a real meeting drags on for weeks, and sometimes months. When we eventually meet and our expectations are not met (which happens in the vast majority of cases), this is perceived as more painful than disappointment in the person we met in reality. Often our unjustified expectations are explained by the tendency of people to distort information about themselves: age, work, education and marital status. If in real life we meet a person who is not completely honest with us, then we get the opportunity to count a lot on non-verbal signals and build a more complete picture based on emotions and intuition.
3. Matches
Dating sites promise sophisticated complex algorithms, with the help of which the most suitable partners are selected in advance. Dr. Finkel calls this point the weakest link in online resources. Not a single site with the most advanced psychological tests can promise that two candidates who are ideally suited to each other according to personal data will fall in love with each other.
Many couples considered themselves close to each other. At the same time, online tests did not show high rates of psychological coincidences.
Researchers also question the very criterion of questionnaire matches. Which coincidences are considered the most important: a common place of residence, similar professions or interests? Many of the couples the researchers interviewed were married and considered themselves close to each other. At the same time, the online tests they passed did not show high rates of psychological coincidences. How to be? Of course, one should not deny the wide possibilities of online dating. It is important to use them correctly.
If you go on a date
Identify suitable sites
Start with online resources that are more likely to have people of similar interests to you – movie clubs or sports clubs. It will also help you feel more confident as you take your first steps into the online dating field. Large sites promise to meet with a large number of candidates, but they feature people from various walks of life, often with interests that are far from yours.
Meet in person
Try to meet the person you like as quickly as possible, or at least offer him a video chat (although it will not replace real communication). Otherwise, you will find yourself hostage to an imaginary image that can break painfully when you meet.
Be realistic
Give an equal chance to every candidate you are interested in. People who believe that the ideal half intended for them is waiting for them somewhere, and you just need to continue to search hard for it, risk missing a truly loved one.
Don’t rely on psychological tests
The probability of a successful meeting in the virtual space is exactly the same as in real life. Therefore, you should not rely on the profiles of candidates that the online resource has selected for you as the most suitable. Clearly define your own search criteria and rely on those metrics and your intuition.
Don’t wishful thinking
There are a lot of people on the Internet who distort information about themselves. One of the signs that the interlocutor is not completely honest with you may be the refusal to communicate on Skype, which should be offered as soon as possible. One way or another, if you feel that a person is interesting to you, try to meet in person as soon as possible.
Don’t let negativity affect your confidence
Some of your online acquaintances during the period of correspondence may suddenly turn out to be rude. You can meet someone in reality and be disappointed, or, on the contrary, they will not want to communicate with you further. All of these are completely natural and somewhat inevitable elements of online dating. This should neither undermine your self-confidence nor interrupt the search process.
Let your profile be interesting, but honest
Distortion of facts about yourself will sooner or later be revealed and will only damage the trust on the part of the person with whom you want to communicate closer. At the same time, the questionnaire should clearly characterize those qualities and interests that you want to emphasize. It is important that people who might be of interest to you do not pass by your profile.
1 E. Finkel et al. «Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science», Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 2012, № 2).