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Often it is considered as an unequivocal evil, they call it the destroyer of families. The one who cheated becomes an enemy, and the one who was cheated becomes a victim and a “good” hero. The second part of the question – what happened between two people, once the union cracked at the seams, is usually omitted.
It is difficult to see something optimistic in this event. Advice in the spirit of “look at it philosophically” helps those who tend to perceive what is happening analytically and go through life with a cold heart. At the moment of acute pain, when sometimes the existence of a person or a couple, a family is in question, it is very difficult to be impartial about treason.
Nevertheless, let’s try to analyze what positive experience can be gained when faced with treason. It doesn’t matter which side you are on – whether you yourself cheated or became a victim of infidelity, reflecting on what happened can be a reliable investment in your own happiness in the future.
1. Relationship analysis improves quality of life
Anna and Alexey
They were together for 5 years. They often argued among themselves and had many claims against each other. Their sex life left much to be desired, but despite all these factors, they remained together and flied from a quarrel to reconciliation.
At work, Alexey got a new colleague, and thanks to communication with her, Alexey realized that he wanted to change his life. He firmly decided that he would leave Anna, and told her about it. Anna took the news extremely painfully and asked him to go to a psychologist together in order to discuss what was happening in a civilized manner.
Inwardly, Anna hoped that the psychologist would help them see a new path, but at this meeting, Alexei became even more firmly established in the feeling that he did not want to be with Anna. After that, each of them began their own life.
Alexei did not have intimacy with that colleague, but since his relationship with Anna was cracking at the seams, the union fell apart from a simple coincidence.
Loss of time could have been avoided if Alexei and Anna had boldly looked at what was happening in their pair. Alexey quickly found ground under his feet, but Anna needed psychotherapy to recover, which may indicate her personal instability.
In the story of Anna and Alexei, there was only a hint of betrayal, but even that was enough to “shatter” what seemed to be a stable couple. And this case also clearly demonstrates that a breakup can lead to the “flourishing” of one of the partners. At the same time, it is very important to help someone who does not see obvious benefits from the current situation: help him cope with a critical condition and get out of the situation with acquisitions.
2. Crisis stimulates personal growth and psychological maturation
It happens that the one who cheated takes a privileged position in relation to the partner: closes, leaves the discussion, does not want to take part in conversations. But the injured party does not always behave correctly – the offended partner can react irrationally, put pressure on him, manipulate his state.
Although the behavior of both parties is easy to understand, at this point it is extremely important to maintain respect for each other and not neglect the requests of the partner. Someone needs to talk about what happened, and someone needs to isolate for a while and silently think about the situation.
By respecting the boundaries and respecting each other’s needs, you will ease your way out of a difficult story. An extreme situation (and cheating is just that) highlights all the main characteristics of a couple and each person in it. Looking at how a person behaves in hard tolerable conditions, at the limit of his strength, one can judge his psychological maturity and personal stability.
It is quite possible that the very format of discussing the problem will open your eyes to your partner, because betrayal is the very notorious test of a couple “in sorrow and in joy.” If a partner behaves inappropriately, is this your party? And if yours, isn’t the bar low? Is it worth it to stay with someone who on a sinking ship showed himself not from the best side?
The opposite situation is also possible: if a partner has enough endurance, inner strength to behave with dignity and he can be trusted in the most difficult situations, why not give him a chance?
3. Betrayal can become a springboard for a leap forward.
Lida and Ilya
In a pair of Lida and Ilya, a third appeared – Ilya began dating another girl. For Lida, this was a big blow, as she dreamed of a family with Ilya. Nevertheless, armed with the help of a psychologist, Lida did her best to look at the situation critically.
Recognizing the human right of Ilya to be not with her, she realized that she was using him for her own purposes (getting married) and constantly putting pressure on him with this issue. Lida realized that she was literally strangling the joy of their life together with control. Moreover, Lida realized the failure of her dream and realized that the family for her is just a way to please her parents.
Lida did not put pressure on Ilya, but only let him know that she understood her contribution to this betrayal and recognized that Ilya was not the only culprit. Ilya was struck by Lida’s stamina and courage, and they agreed to give their couple a second chance.
At first they parted to be apart, but after a few months they were living together again. Lida also managed to convey to Ilya that the idea of marriage for her is a trigger for anxiety, and Ilya understood what was important to his girlfriend.
Emergencies cut the ground from under your feet. But if there is even a little strength left, we have a choice – how to live this experience and with what to get out of it.
Cheating is a chance to look at your life with fresh eyes, to ask yourself: am I moving in the right direction? Is this the kind of relationship I dream of when I imagine love? What is it like for me to be in this relationship and what is it like to be without it? What would a person I respect do in my place?
For some, betrayal will personify the collapse of hopes and a future life, and for someone – liberation from slippage. Cheating, despite the gravity of the situation, can be the beginning of a new life. The life where, in addition to relationships with others, there is also ourselves, separate, self-sufficient, independent and strong. And a lot of people will be happy to have such a partner.
As the Western proverb says, “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade out of them.” The same can be advised to those who are faced with treason. Even if you can’t even think now that everything that happens has positive aspects, in the future it may well happen.
About the Developer
– counseling psychologist