What are we risking by loving?

Entering into a relationship, we believed that in a couple we could remain ourselves. And then the moment comes when one of the two is cramped in the world that they built together. Difficulties first appear when passionate love passes and ordinary life begins.

In fact, the partnership was not conceived as something free and pleasant. “Partner” in Latin is a yoke, a wooden block that is put on the neck of two bulls when they plow a field in one team.

Every family partnership creates problems. But in the old days, they were approached from the position “we still can’t get away from each other” (it was difficult to get a divorce, as well as to survive alone), and therefore they learned to live together, found compromises.

Now there is no such task – why suffer if you can break up, find another partner or live alone? Many men and women do not want to make an effort, they do not want to endure, they do not want to go through even small trials. Meanwhile, if they are ready to work on themselves and on relationships, they can overcome the fears that arise in a couple. We have selected four situations in which these fears are most pronounced.

I’m afraid that I will be abandoned

What is the reason? The fear of being abandoned often arises in someone who believes that the relationship in a couple is unequal, that he is less valuable than a partner, not good enough for him. Sometimes this feeling appears at a difficult moment in the life of the family, when, for example, the wife (husband) becomes seriously ill and begins to think: “Why do I need him (her) now?”

The fear of being abandoned often fetters those who have already had the experience of betrayal – rejection by one or both parents, divorce, death of a father or mother … If the wound was very deep, in a couple he will constantly test the strength of the partner, their relationship, behave aggressively, provoke scandals, forcing yourself to quit and at the same time not letting go. Numerous quarrels and subsequent reconciliations exhaust the second partner; it is not surprising that such relationships are rarely satisfactory.

What to do? To cope with fear, it is important to realize that life is a game, the rules of which say that anything can happen in it.

And of course, you can be abandoned – intentionally or unintentionally. The only one who won’t leave you is yourself. And this attitude must be developed in oneself – never abandon oneself.

We can be true to ourselves, support ourselves, and draw strength from this loyalty and support. And it will help us stop demanding loyalty from others. In addition, we know that those who are of great value are not abandoned. And if we do not feel our own value, then others will not feel it either. Moreover, the value of each person is not the result of some of his achievements (although this also matters) and not a consequence of the fact that he is beautiful or healthy, but simply a consequence of the fact that he is, that he is unique. And we can make sure that those around us understand this.

If the fear of being abandoned poisons the relationship of two or one of the partners, it is worth contacting a psychotherapist. Realizing that sometimes the best result of therapy is to admit to yourself: “It’s more honest for me to live alone (alone) so as not to destroy my husband (wife) with my fear.”

I live not my life

What is the reason? Many women in the first years of marriage try to be ideal – understanding, attentive, caring. They go towards their husband in everything, fundamentally not taking into account themselves and their interests. It’s easy for those who are in love. Although secret bookkeeping is still being done: she hopes that she will be treated with the same reverence.

Some women devote their lives to another, for example, they marry a talented person who does his job and is not ready to be distracted by the arrangement of life, everyday trifles. If the decision to be a comrade-in-arms, an assistant is made with internal consent, it is easy to be the “second number” in a pair. But few are capable of such dedication. More often than not, women find themselves in this situation. And in this case, concern for the interests of a partner, the inability to realize their desires become a real torment for them. They do not live their own lives and are painfully experiencing it.

What to do? If you feel that your life with a partner is really “not yours”, first you need to understand what the problem is. The most obvious sign that a mistake has been made is unmotivated outbursts of rage.

There are three steps to take to analyze the situation.

1. Figure out what you don’t really get in a relationship, without which you can’t be yourself. Usually, what was not received materializes in the form of reproaches: “we don’t go anywhere (we don’t go)”, “he doesn’t give me flowers (expensive gifts)”. It is important to understand what is really behind these external circumstances, what they mean to you, how much you cannot live without them.
2. Realize whether this deficit is really so significant. Isn’t this a whim? Maybe you take a cue from a friend?
3. Talk to a partner. When a calm inner understanding comes – “Yes, I am missing a very important thing in a relationship, for which I am ready to fight,” then you are ready to tell him about your findings.

Much is expected of me

What is the reason? Partnership is hard work, it is naive to believe that nothing is required of us in the family. In fact, family life consists of a variety of duties and obligations. Because of them, the most conflicts happen: “didn’t clean the room”, “didn’t come to dinner on time”, “didn’t cook dinner”, “didn’t call” …

In Russian families, it often happens that a woman takes on too much and is quickly exhausted.

Therefore, her main task is to find a balance: on the one hand, not to carry an unbearable burden and not to corrupt loved ones, on the other, to still be a partner to her husband. This is what a family is built on.

Although, of course, everyone has internal scales – “how much I gave and how much I received in return.” There should be parity, equality in this: I invest and see that it pays off, and then I invest even more and get even more.

Difficulties arise when a child appears in a couple. A woman often takes all the worries about him and the family on herself, and after a few months, completely exhausted, she begins to quarrel (at first over trifles), sort things out, gradually turning from an ideal wife into a real monster. She does not cope with the situation alone, and the partner, out of habit, does not help her, does not care, and in fact does not participate in family affairs.

What to do? The woman is indeed often the best manager for all domestic affairs. That is why she should introduce traditions and rules into the life of the family – “It is customary for us.”

Family rituals can relate to both everyday life and recreation, both useful and pleasant. If the responsibility for at least part of the cares (and entertainment) is assigned to a man, a woman feels freer. Motivation, competent distribution of responsibilities, planning, search for resources are important …

I can’t show feelings

What is the reason? In some unions, partners establish a ban on the word “love”, deliberately trying to organize cold cooperation: “We are comfortable with each other”, “It is beneficial”, “We trust each other.” Such a life, even from the outside, looks impoverished, in addition, there is a danger in it: unlike love, partners in business relationships are interchangeable. Even if they first agreed on a “cold marriage”, then for one person it may become too close. For example, over time, a woman begins to understand that she loves her husband, but is afraid to say so, so as not to push him away.

Why do some of us do this? Because we have experience of pain and love is associated with loss of control, with loss of self. We may decide that we will never love again and will not allow anyone to love us.

What to do? In a “cold marriage”, a woman can begin to warm up a “frozen” man, and if she succeeds, they will have an excellent relationship, if not, he will find another for himself. The reason is that sometimes a partner is cold not as a result of trauma, negative experience, but as a result of a narcissistic personality pathology.

There is a big difference between a man who gets burned and a narcissistic man who doesn’t let anyone near his heart. A typical scenario: a woman wants to warm up a man, and he simply enjoys a good attitude and hopes that this “cooperation” will last forever. “I don’t know what she wants, I watched her for six years, she passed all the checks, one of the few, and I even agree to sign her, I don’t understand why she is leaving.” But a love partnership touches us to the very core, and good relationships are built where everyone allows themselves to be themselves.

Many partners are afraid to show negative feelings (irritation, anger, resentment) because they are afraid that they will be abandoned. The reason is that we do not know how to talk about feelings, we do not have such a tradition, but this can be learned. For example, using the “I-statement”: “Lately, I notice that I often cause your irritation, and at this moment I feel that I no longer want to be frank with you. I’m sorry to tell you this, but I thought it was important that you know about it.

In a good family, close people generally talk more about feelings over trifles and swear less eternal love: strong words are saved for a special occasion.