What are we complaining about?

The weather leaves much to be desired. However, so is the climate. The pay is low and the work is high. The husband is not as attentive as we would like. Children do not appreciate our care. As for parents, they should understand that we have our own families and concerns, we cannot devote all our time to them. Although it is clear that they hurt here and there. But so do we! Here the head began to hurt often. Maybe it’s the weather…

You may have recognized someone you know in these phrases. Or maybe yourself. Why do we love to complain so much? Is it a national tradition or individual characteristics? With these questions, we turn to coach and psychodramatherapist Marina Sleptsova and group analyst and psychotherapist Alexei Odollamsky. Both of them agree that this style of communication is more characteristic of women’s communities than men’s.

Women’s Council

“It is not customary for men to complain, because this would mean making themselves look weak, which does not fit into the socially approved image,” Marina Sleptsova explains. There are exceptions to this rule. “I have an old friend who calls me and describes the vicissitudes of fate: he had a fight with his wife, he crashed his car, and I know in advance that he will end up asking for a loan,” says 45-year-old Grigory. But still, it is women who exchange stories about their troubles more often. Why? “The history of our country is such that women took responsibility for the well-being of children and families in times of social upheaval,” reminds Aleksey Odollamsky. – So it was during and after the Great Patriotic War and in the 90s.

Men were absent or confused, depressed, and women had to raise children and somehow survive. And they found ways. It was easier to come up with them together, and not alone. This is how the tradition of sharing adversity appeared and was maintained. And the children, who were often close to their mothers at the same time, heard these conversations, absorbed this communicative style.

But now, in more prosperous times, maybe it’s time to stop complaining? However, Aleksey Odollamsky does not agree: “For starters, I propose to abandon the word “complaints” as devaluing. I would call it something else, like “discussion” or “reflection”. It is rather a collective reflection on the problem and pronunciation of their feelings. Both have a positive effect!

Three pluses

“Naming your feelings and thinking about them is a useful skill,” emphasizes Aleksey Odollamsky. – Especially in relation to feelings that we habitually attribute to negative ones. If they remain unnamed, and therefore unconscious, then a symptom, an ill-considered act or conflict will arise. And hardly anyone will argue with the fact that it is easier to choose words in a dialogue with an interested listener than in solitude.

The second plus: in a “plaintive” conversation, we train in empathy. “To live together, it is necessary to try to understand how others feel: husband, children, mother-in-law,” notes the group analyst. – Girlfriends, by asking questions, help each other to see the picture through the eyes of different participants in the situation. This is a way to digest it and adjust the idea of ​​yourself and others.

A story about experiences helps to cope with an excess of excitement, we don’t say in vain – “to throw out emotions,” adds Marina Sleptsova: “After everything is told, maybe even more than once, it becomes easier to think, look for a way out.”

The environment offers solutions, shares information: who will find a hairdresser and a housekeeper, who will find a surgeon, or even a groom. Recently, social networks and forums have increasingly performed the function of a supporting and expert community.

“I had difficulties with how to put my two-year-old son to bed, the advice of grandmothers did not help,” admits 26-year-old Diana. – Finally, I shared this on VKontakte, and the girls who have older children explained that they didn’t need to sit with him for hours, but only come up for a while when he called. And the problem that tormented me for six months was solved in one week.

Showing delicacy

Sharing sorrows, we receive a lot: support, consolation, advice, but also give – attention, sympathy. And by doing so, we strengthen the emotional bond between us, which allows us, in turn, to feel safe. Which we need the more, the more the situation disturbs us.

Another reason that in the company we will rather cry than brag is delicacy, says Aleksey Odollamsky: awkward! Starting with minor stories, we protect the feelings of the interlocutor, his vulnerability.

In addition, the rule of continuation applies in the conversation: we listen to what others have to say, and adjust to it. If we talk about our weak points, this allows others to be more open, insecure, to talk about what they do not like in life.

Whereas success stories create a backdrop against which such confessions are simply impossible. And this is very likely to make the conversation fake, facade on the principle of “saving face”.

Position difference

However, one should not go too deeply into sad experiences, Marina Sleptsova is convinced. “If you tend to join in on the feelings of another, there is a risk that instead of two adults who are able to think and “resolve” the situation, you will turn into two helpless children.” Indeed, research shows that emotional messages of dissatisfaction lead listeners to predictably worsen their mood. Interestingly, the complaining person himself begins to feel worse.

But much depends on whether we take an active or passive position, expressing dissatisfaction. Complaining about an airline that has mixed up baggage is constructive: it can lead to a solution to the problem. But only if we address it to airline employees.

Why are we repeating ourselves?

If most of our conversations are about complaining, whining that doesn’t lead to action and doesn’t get us one step closer to solving problems, that’s something to think about. “It looks like a stoppage of thinking, and depression can be suspected here,” Aleksey Odollamsky warns. We have three reactions to danger: hit, run, freeze. The latter is the most archaic: a fading that cannot be overcome by a simple effort of will. This is what depression is. To start doing something, you must first remove the sharpness of this state. Relatives can help: noticing that there is a broken record effect, they advise you to contact a psychotherapist.

Such cases are different from manipulation, when complaints are used to get something: support or benefit. “A colleague constantly complained about ailments, left earlier to get to the doctor, I did part of the work for her and thought it was right: we help each other! – says 32-year-old Julia. — But one day I asked her to finish my report and heard that she did not have time. Then it dawned on me that this was a one-sided game, and I began to say no.

Soft answer

Repeated messages about something bad or sad can be both manipulation and a way to confirm the prevailing picture – “the world is not perfect, and I deserve better.” Such messages can irritate us. But even then, saying “Stop! How long to! Tired!” not worth it. “By the way, parents often respond to children in this way, and this is cruel, because this is a depreciation of the child’s feelings and a refusal to help that he may really need,” Marina Sleptsova notes.

She suggests responding differently: “Say, ‘I see that you are suffering. I sympathize, it’s hard for you … “And then offer your point of view on what is happening:” If I got into such a situation, I would be very worried. It would be difficult for me too, and I would try to act in such and such a way. Thus, you expand the range of possible reactions to the circumstances, while not imposing advice.

The second option is to look for something positive in what is happening and look to the future, not the past. “Usually in life there is nothing only negative and in each case you can find something positive,” says the coach. Complaining and whining is a negative assessment of what is happening, but the view of what is happening can be changed.