Contents
What are the ‘red flags’ and how do they affect the beginning of a relationship?
Couple
In a relationship there are always behaviors and thoughts that annoy the other and must be accepted (or not)
Although that of ‘there I do not happen’ has always existed, lately the term ‘red flags’ seems to be in fashion. But what Anglicism refers to is nothing more than those red lines that alert you when you are meeting someone and say something that ‘squeaks’. Beyond the anecdotal surrounding the term (there are thousands and thousands of tweets in which ‘red flags’ are mentioned in a humorous tone: “Red flag: don’t like the Simpsons”, “‘red flag’, don’t know how to distinguish when it is written there, there or ay ») when two people begin to know each other, or already have a relationship, they begin a kind of ‘negotiation’ in which those red lines are valued; many times they are accepted and many others are the root of discussion.
“Any relationship has a large negotiation component, that is, a permanent process of mutual adjustment,” says psychologist Rafael San Román, from the ifeel app. For this reason, he comments that there is a situation in which a person exposes their needs and points of view, without thereby losing the needs and points of view of the other.
«In any negotiation we have to assume that we have to make concessions, but we also have to be clear about our puntos otherociables, that is, those that are not subject to discussion. These would be the red lines, beyond which we are not willing for the other party to gain ground “, explains the professional. Red flags can affect any aspect of a relationship. It may be from how long it is considered that political ideas must be spent together. The latter is usually one of the most common red lines.
What if we think differently?
“It can be a problem for many people and not for others, depending on how intense the difference in thought is,” says San Román, adding that it depends on how important the ideology is to us: if it is simply a subject that is indifferent to us, it does not have to be a big problem. “There are things that can throw us back at first, and some of them can be adjusted over time; others will denote a great separation between people and in the end they will end up defining the lack of fit between them “, he indicates.
Even so, the psychologist comments that it is clear that we all need to have our own criteria to get an idea of how appropriate a person is for us. “It is inevitable: we cannot avoid consciously and unconsciously analyzing the person with whom we start a relationship, since we have to reach some conclusion,” he says. Even so, it is not good to be too rigid, as this makes it difficult for a person is able to fit into a scheme so demanding. “I do not think it is necessary to go with lead feet, the loaded shotgun and the barrel pointing: it is not a very open attitude to experience or to the complexity of human relationships,” says the professional. For this reason, he urges not to live permanently on the defensive and exhaustively examining everyone to give him the pass. Still, remember the importance of being assertive and mature and learning to recognize when a relationship is not working, for whatever reason, to take action.
The late red line
One situation that can occur is that that ‘red flag’ does not appear when we are starting a relationship, but when it is already consolidated. «There is no need to panic. The important thing, especially if it is a very red red line, is to detect it, not let it pass and aembroider it assertively and taking care of communication», Explains Rafael San Román.
Another of those disagreements that can appear in a couple are those that have to do with the life project. If one of the parties wants to go live together, get married and have children and the other does not, and both are very clear about their position, it is likely that the relationship cannot be sustained. «When things are not so extreme you have to communicate, to clearly expose to the other what we want and to examine together how distant the points of view are », says the psychologist. He says that getting to know each other, adapting to each other, and negotiating within the relationship is essential. “If finally the combination of respective red lines makes the relationship impassable, you just have to end it and nothing happens,” he says.
Be aware of tradeoffs
Likewise, the person who ends up deciding in these types of cases may later feel how the decision weighs on the relationship. «In relationships it is very important that we are aware of the assignments and concessions that we make»Warns the professional. He assures that some of them will be made from authenticity, generosity and unconditionality, but most are done – consciously or unconsciously – with the expectation of receiving something in compensation. “It is essential to distinguish what we do from unconditionally and what we do with the expectation that tomorrow the other will reward me,” explains the professional.
Finally, Rafael San Román comments that it is good to be aware of what we like and dislike in a relationship and how that can vary over time or from one relationship to another. “In addition, we have to know these facets of ourselves because it is the only way to be able to affirm ourselves healthily within a relationship, instead of letting ourselves be carried away submissively all the time,” he concludes.