Can there be anything good in infidelity? Especially for the one who was deceived? It’s hard to imagine that these questions can be answered with “yes,” but that’s exactly what relationship psychologist Esther Perel thinks. Her story is about healing from infidelity.
I give lectures in different countries. And all over the world those who have changed tell me the same thing — they say they feel alive. And they often say that they recently experienced a loss, one of the parents died, a friend died too early, or they themselves learned disturbing news from the doctor.
In the shadow of betrayal, the thought of one’s own death often lurks, which makes one wonder: is this all or can I get something more? Am I going to live the same way for the next 25 years? Will I ever experience vivid emotions again? Because of such questions, we once cross the prohibitions.
Some betrayals are an attempt to fight death, a kind of antidote to it. Cheating is much less about sex than it seems, and much more about the desire to feel special, important, worthy of attention.
Cheating can be both a sign of the end of a relationship and open a new path for them.
Entering into a forbidden relationship, you may not be able to connect with your beloved. This circumstance spurs your thirst. There is a built-in generator of desire in infidelity, because incompleteness and uncertainty make you want again and again what you cannot get.
It seems that infidelity is impossible in an open relationship, but this is not so. First, monogamy and infidelity are not the same thing. Secondly, even with the freedom to engage in any sexual relationship, we are still attracted to the forbidden. I often tell my clients that if they brought the audacity and ingenuity that they show on the side to their relationship with a partner, they would not sit at my reception.
How do we heal from betrayal? Desires take us far, but betrayal hurts deeply. But you can recover from this. Cheating can be both a sign of the end of a relationship and open a new path for them.
Most couples who have cheated still stay together. Some simply try to survive, while others manage to turn the crisis into a new opportunity, into an experience that will create new behaviors, attitudes, attitudes. This is even more true for deceived partners. They could say, “You think I didn’t want more? And yet I didn’t do it.» But when the betrayal is revealed, they can declare their desires out loud, there is no longer any need to pretend that everything suits them.
For deceived partners, the most important thing is to restore a sense of their value, to feel love for themselves.
Betrayal destroys the usual way — but it is also an opportunity to make new rules. Often, after cheating, partners learn to communicate differently with each other. Their conversations become more sincere, honest and deep than they were before. And, having long been sexually indifferent to each other, they suddenly discover an insatiable desire in themselves and cannot understand where it came from. And this is all the fear of loss — it kindles passion and paves the way for a completely new truth.
What can a couple do when cheating is no longer a secret? We know that healing from trauma begins the moment the deceiver admits his guilt. The partner who started an affair on the side will have to: firstly, complete that romance, and secondly, admit his guilt, express regret that he made (a) suffer.
Many unfaithful spouses blame themselves for hurting their partner, but at the same time feel absolutely no guilt for the betrayal as such. And this distinction is important. The one who cheated should take care of the relationship. It is he who needs to become the defender of the boundaries of the couple, take responsibility, save the other from worries and doubts. This in itself starts to restore trust.
And for deceived partners, the most important thing is to regain a sense of their value, to feel love for themselves, to surround themselves with friends, to immerse themselves in activities that will return joy and a sense of self-worth. But more importantly, curb curiosity by refusing to ask: where have you been and what have you been doing? Is he/she definitely better than me in bed? Such questions only increase the pain and keep you awake at night.
Every betrayal reshapes the relationship, and the couple will have to determine what changes it will lead to.
Instead, it’s helpful to ask what I call exploratory questions: What did this novel mean to you? What did you manage to say or feel that you could not already with me? How did you feel when you returned home? What do you value in our life together? Are you happy that it’s all over?
Each betrayal rebuilds the relationship, and the couple will have to determine what changes it will lead to. But the fact of treason remains, it cannot be changed. And the dilemma of love and desire also remains — this does not lead to simple answers about where is black and where is white, what is good and bad, who is the victim and who is the perpetrator.
There are many ways to betray another: arrogance, neglect, indifference, cruelty. Sexual betrayal is just one way to inflict pain. This does not mean that I approve of cheating. Just sometimes infidelity leads to something good. I am often asked strange questions: maybe I advise changing? No more than I would advise getting cancer. After all, patients also talk about how this experience allowed them to gain new meaning.
Look at infidelity in a dual perspective: pain and betrayal on the one hand, growth and self-discovery on the other. This is what cheating does to people. And that’s what she means to me.
When an adulterous couple comes to me, I often tell them that today in Western countries most people marry twice or thrice, and for some of us it happens to the same person.
Your first marriage is over. Do you want to try to create a second marriage together?