What are pregnant women afraid of?

In the queue for an appointment at a antenatal clinic, at childbirth preparation courses, on numerous pages on social networks, expectant mothers talk primarily about their anxieties and fears.

“I don’t recognize myself, I’m afraid of everything, I can’t even drive”; “I became whiny, tears because of any trifle, probably because of this I will have a restless child”; “What if I can’t stand the pain!”; “My husband moved away when I need his support so much …”; “Suddenly something happens, and I lose the child”; “I’m about to give birth, but I don’t have anything ready, I don’t have a stroller or diapers” …

All this does not correspond much to the television image of a beautiful balanced woman, serenely waiting for a beautiful baby. Where does this uncertainty come from? Why do many women become suspicious and very vulnerable while expecting a child?

Reality and fantasy

“If pregnancy brings women anxiety, it is only because they themselves want it,” psychoanalyst Monica Bidlowski explains their fragility and vulnerability in such a paradoxical way. What did I do, is it not stupidity? Am I ready to become a mother? In the decision to give birth to a child, there is always this duality – “I want” and “I doubt myself.”

“Motherhood involves responsibility,” explains Nadezhda Pavlovskaya, a psychologist and teacher of childbirth preparation courses. – And women are worried: “I don’t know (I don’t know how, I can’t cope)”; “What if I do something wrong, and the child will suffer because of me.” In fact, their fears are primarily associated with unconscious anxiety: can I become a good mother?

Pregnancy, especially the first one, is always a crisis of maturation, somewhat reminiscent of adolescence.

“The body of a woman is changing, her social status, personal life,” says the psychologist. “She literally begins to look differently: to see her future differently, to build relationships in a new way.”

But at the same time, her unresolved conflicts also come to life.

“As a child grows inside a woman’s body, her inner child comes to life in the psychological space, memories of her own childhood,” explains Jungian analyst Anna Kazakova. – It is very difficult to realize the connection between your anxiety and personal history.

A woman, for example, may “for some reason” be afraid that the child will not love her. And this is what the girl says in her, who for some reason herself could not love her mother. What she still cannot admit to herself.

Many pregnant women relive the emotions of a teenager, the sadness of a little girl, or the longing of a baby that they once were. And they especially need support and a benevolent attitude towards themselves.

First meetings

12 weeks pregnant. Usually at this time, parents can see their child on the computer monitor for the first time. “It’s hard to believe he’s inside me!”; “He is very strong!”; “How he looks like you!” Still not knowing anything about the child, even his gender, women dream about what he will be like, imagine his future, their relationship …

“And often they project all possible qualities onto him, involuntarily hoping that the imaginary child will compensate for everything, will accomplish everything,” says Anna Kazakova. “That he will fulfill all the hopes of his mother.”

As soon as she sees an embryo measuring 7-8 cm, a woman in admiration begins to rush the time when he will become everything for her. At this moment, it is not easy to understand that, having been born, the child will cease to be a part of it, he is a separate person who must live his own life, and not the one that his parents will come up with. Their only task is to help and support him.

A woman’s emotions are fueled by the memory of those times when she herself was a child. If in childhood she did not have a warm relationship with her mother, then the memory of this can come to life during pregnancy in the form of various fears and an inexplicable feeling of dissatisfaction.

One way or another, during the first ultrasound, the expectant mother (as well as the future father) is faced with her fantasies, which the image on the monitor gives concrete form. Psychoanalyst Sylvain Missonnier has been studying this “virtual child” created by the imagination of parents for 25 years and believes that it can serve as an indicator of further family relationships.

“Listening to their comments, you can predict the future distribution of roles. For example, the mother remarks: “What a naughty one!”, and the father replies: “Let him live as he wants!” The game, painted in front of the monitor in seconds, will most likely be played later with a real child.”

New sense of self

Pregnancy changes a woman’s body, and this becomes the object of close attention of her partner, doctors, acquaintances… Hope Pavlovskaya.

In any case, new bodily sensations provoke anxiety. Any harmless phrase of a doctor during an ultrasound (for example, “That’s so strong!”) Can cause an inadequate reaction: “Too big? Can’t he get through? – and provoke fear of childbirth.

In addition, often the words of doctors contribute to the creation of a nervous atmosphere. What a pity that they rarely care about delicacy!

“Any pregnant woman at least once (and usually more than once) displeases the doctor,” states Nadezhda Pavlovskaya. – Either she is gaining weight too much, or she has “bad” blood clotting … All this is said without explanation, women are frightened, feeling guilty. In addition, bodily integrity during pregnancy acquires a special, almost symbolic meaning.

Any intrusion – even taking blood from a vein, not to mention a medical examination – can cause physiological, animal fear. As labor approaches, the thought of the body having to open up to let the baby through causes frightening visions of tearing.”

Moreover, death in childbirth, rare these days, is still frightening. First of all, those who give birth for the first time.

“The first birth (like, for example, defloration) is the initiation of a woman, the transition to a new quality,” Anna Kazakova reflects. “Some part of her must die in order for a new woman to be born — a mother. Hence this unconscious fear – to part with something, to survive a symbolic death.

Questions about sex

The sex life of a woman is also changing. For some, attraction flares up, for others, on the contrary, libido decreases, a woman completely concentrates on the child she is carrying. Those who have ever had a miscarriage may perceive sex as a threat of another pregnancy (although doctors claim otherwise).

Men also feel out of place, afraid of harming their girlfriend or child. And with their caution, they can provoke a new round of anxiety in a woman: is she still desirable for him? Is there a threat of treason here?

“Today it is customary to idealize motherhood, and therefore women try not to say that they are not at all as calm as they should be,” the psychoanalyst emphasizes.

And they carry a double burden – anxiety and guilt, fearing that their emotional state will have a bad effect on the child. After his birth, the unaccountable anxiety of the mother does not decrease, her anxiety is a kind of compensation for her “offences”. “Am I able to give him everything he needs?”; “What if something happens to him?”; Will my husband be a good father?

These questions are of great importance for a woman.

“Her inner child is screaming in fear,” says Anna Kazakova. “And very often no one hears it!”

Surrounding people usually do not attach importance to these unrest, attributing them to “nervousness of pregnant women.” Even a partner is not always possible to open up.

“A woman is often afraid that he does not understand how important it is for her to be pregnant. And he doesn’t know how to explain. Many families do not have the habit of talking about some difficult topics, they do not even dare to think about what worries the other, ”says Nadezhda Pavlovskaya.

“In addition, during this period, jealousy awakens in a man, perhaps unconsciously,” adds Anna Kazakova. “After all, an inner child also lives in him, who, with the birth of a baby, will get much less attention than before.”

A variety of schools and childbirth preparation courses help resolve these contradictions.

“A couple expecting their first child has no experience of relationships as mother and father,” says Nadezhda Pavlovskaya. – And we start a conversation: what scenario of the future do you see? How will you organize everything? Who will be responsible for what? And even – on what topics will you swear?

It can be difficult for them to start talking, but gradually they are drawn into the discussion, and this always reduces the level of anxiety. Whether it’s talking or learning techniques to reduce pain during childbirth, finding a good doctor or maternity hospital, the general rule is one: fears decrease when a person takes action.

Take the challenge

Experts are unanimous: fears during pregnancy are not only natural, but also beneficial.

“If a woman is not worried at all, this may mean that her anxiety is so strong that she cannot bear it and forces it out of her consciousness,” Nadezhda Pavlovskaya believes. “And after giving birth, she will most likely need serious support.”

“You should not run away from your fears, deny them,” Anna Kazakova agrees. – It is better to meet them halfway, to get to know them, to think: what is their meaning? Why do I need them? In other words, you have to live them in order to transform them into something of value. What is a bad mother? What about a good one? What do I want to be? What kind of mother did I miss and what do I want to compensate now?

Knowing herself in these fears, discovering her potential, a woman gains those forces that she can then rely on.