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It is one thing to meet and communicate with a person online, and quite another to finally meet him in real life. Excitement, embarrassment or feigned confidence, awkward pauses are almost inevitable – how can you still make a good impression?
1. Talk about travel, not movies
English psychologist Richard Wiseman conducted a study. It turned out that of the couples who discussed films on their first date, only less than 9% wanted to meet again. But of those who talked about travel, 18% continued to meet. The reason, perhaps, is that travel for us is associated with a carefree vacation time, with the embodiment of romantic dreams. As we talk about these exciting moments, we are encouraged… and become more attractive.
2. The main thing is not what to talk about, but how
The secret of communication, say American social psychologists Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick, is to avoid extremes. Don’t try to dominate, but don’t be passive either. Take the pitch, change the direction of the conversation a little, and pass the pass back. React to his (her) answers warmly and with sincere interest. This combination of accepting the other and subtly adjusting the topic will keep the conversation flowing smoothly.
3. Be honest
On the first date, many are shy or afraid to talk about themselves. And in vain. Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook University in New York who studies the formation of romantic relationships, has experimentally proven that it is possible to rapidly accelerate the process of internal rapprochement at the first meeting of a couple.
When arranging a meeting, you can agree in advance which topics of interest to both of you will be discussed
Aron made up a long list of questions that the participants in the experiment had to read aloud to each other and take turns answering them. For example: “Would you like to become famous? In what area?”, “Did you have any old dream? Why didn’t it come true?”, “What is your greatest achievement?”, “What is your most precious/worst memory?”.
The effect of “frankness games” turned out to be amazing: literally in an hour of communication, previously strangers began to feel like kindred spirits.
According to Aron, there was a level of trust between them that ordinary couples sometimes do not achieve in weeks, months, or even years.
4. Better controversial topics than boring ones
If you can’t make contact, take heart and start a conversation … or at least about abortion. Dan Ariely, a behavioral economist and author of several best-selling books (familiar to Russian readers as well), notes that on a first date, people usually balance by solving two problems at once. They want to show themselves and find out something carefully about their counterpart so that he (she) is not offended. Therefore, for safety reasons, they choose some safe topics for conversation, bypassing risky ones – and as a result, they may seem boring to the interlocutor (interlocutor).
But what if we make the first conversation more spicy, catchy? Asking this question, Ariely conducted an experiment.
He suggested that dating site visitors completely exclude neutral topics such as weather, hobbies, a football championship or work from correspondence and start an absentee date with “immodest” questions like: “How many novels did you have?”, “When did you break up with your last partner?” , “Did you break someone’s heart?”, “How do you feel about abortion?”. As a result, the participants admitted that the correspondence turned out to be really exciting for them.
Of course, this is a little too much for real life, Ariely admits. But he still recommends avoiding too banal and therefore boring topics. Why not approach the first date outside the box? For example, when arranging a meeting, you can agree in advance which topics of interest to both of you will be discussed. Or, conversely, make a list of prohibited topics. Be that as it may, the main thing is to take the risk of stepping out of your comfort zone, and you will win, Ariely assures.
5. Talk – and only?
How to understand if you can count on sex in the first meeting? According to the American dating site OKCupid, for this you need to ask a person an elementary test question: “Do you like beer?” Regardless of their gender and orientation, the willingness of beer drinkers to have sex at the first meeting is 60% higher than those who do not share the love for this drink.