Contents
This question is absolutely individual, but our expert will try to tell you about it from all sides.
Libido — attraction, the desire to have sex
Every person has their own sexual temperament. For some, once a month is enough, and for others, four times a day is enough. And if you are reading this article, then your question is most likely in the plane: like mine, is it normal? Or in another: how can I do better? Or maybe: why does my partner want me less (or, conversely, more) than I want him?
We often compare ourselves with others — this also applies to sexual life. Do other people want sex as often as we do? Do they do it that often? What level of libido is normal and what is not?
Let’s decide right away that comparing ourselves with others or determining our norm by others is a completely wrong approach that can give rise to anxiety and a feeling of being “not like that”. Rather, it is important to understand whether you personally are comfortable with your desire, whether you are experiencing sudden or incomprehensible changes. Sometimes my clients say that before there was a desire, but now there is not, although the partner seems to be doing the same as always. This is where you can and should figure it out.
What factors affect sexual temperament
1. Genetic predisposition
In Russia, it is called the sexual constitution. There is a division into weak, medium and strong sexual constitution. It is determined by body hair, by the ratio of leg length to the whole body, by the time of the onset of menstruation in women or wet dreams in men, and other factors. And until recently, some experts argued that it is impossible to influence the genetic predisposition, only it determines who needs once a week, and someone needs eight per night.
But it turned out, not everything is so simple. There are cases when, by regularly playing sports, some women «grow» testosterone, which improved their sex life. Therefore, if you have never felt like more than once a week, you can increase physical activity. There is always another point — psychological. When you are happy with your body, you like yourself, it is easier for you to realize your sexual desires.
But we are in a hurry … Before deciding what to do, we need to look at what else affects libido.
2. Hormones and the current state of the body
If you dig deeper, then this is dopamine — a neurotransmitter that is precisely responsible for our desire, for the persistent desire for something. And also testosterone, oxytocin, estrogen are involved in the formation of libido. And it is the balance of hormones and neurotransmitters that is very important.
So don’t be surprised if your sexual desire decreases if you:
Haven’t slept in the last couple of nights
hurt something
feel tired,
have bad habits (scientifically proven: alcohol abuse leads to sexual dysfunction),
do not solve your psychological problems (for example: stress, anxiety, emotional burnout, apathy, depression, rejection of your own appearance, your body, difficulties in relationships with a partner, resentment).
In women, the cycle, pregnancy and breastfeeding also affect libido. Although this is a basic function, it is not the most important in the body. And if the question arises about survival, saving the resource, then it turns off first.
Therefore, we analyze and move towards a solution to our problem. Get enough sleep, give up bad habits, help your body return to a resource state. For this, all means are good, both from the side of physical health and mental health.
The next point is less obvious, but no less important.
3. Lack of sexual education and understanding of what we need to enjoy sex
After all, if a person does not experience pleasure from this activity, then his desire will decrease until it comes to naught.
I often ask my clients what they do to achieve orgasm. Some answer: «I try to relax, turn off my head, stay in the moment.» And all this is quite difficult to consider an option in which orgasm will be achieved. But women who describe the actions: “I ask you to kiss my erogenous zones, rub your clitoris against a man, speed up and breathe” — they often get the best result.
Therefore, here we need to answer 3 magic questions:
What am I doing in bed?
What do I feel about it?
What do I really want? How do I want it?
After answering these questions for yourself, you should tell your partner about it. That’s right — do not hint, do not turn off your head, but try to play, explore, telling what you want. This applies to both men and women, right? And then we can talk about the result.
But it will work if the situation in the relationship is healthy, the couple has not accumulated a lot of negativity and unspoken grievances. (And if we have accumulated, what then? We restore our mental health, we turn to a specialist psychologist, we talk with a partner, perhaps we choose family therapy.)
What about sex education? I would also pay attention to this. Many men, and women, do not even suspect what a woman’s clitoris looks like. I don’t know that sometimes it’s useless to jump in the position of a horsewoman, that there are techniques that “open” the vaginal orgasm or enhance the sensations of a man. Sometimes a conversation on this topic with a sexologist is already enough for inspiration, a desire to try, experiment.
A sexologist is the very specialist who can not only figure out why it’s bad, but suggest how to do it better, even if everything seems to be in order.
4. «Household»
We often do not notice that we have gotten used to each other, the effect of novelty has disappeared. We left three poses and calmed down, we have been undressing ourselves for a long time, and even a simple proposal for sex is a prelude: “Let’s go? Well it…»
If you recognize yourself, do you already know what to do? I offer you a very popular game: cold and hot. You and your partner caress each other and each comment only “hot” (meaning: “I am pleased, the zone is sensitive”) or “cold” (“I don’t feel, I don’t like it”). Try it, you can have fun and discover something new.
So, your health, understanding of your needs and knowledge is a combination that usually allows your desire to be, burn and ignite a partner.
Three books about sex
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