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It is not at all necessary to do something truly terrible for a partner to want to end the relationship. Sometimes we behave cruelly to others, but we believe that a husband or wife, by definition, should forgive us for mistreatment. How to recognize dangerous manifestations in yourself?
Galina does not see anything criminal in affectionately calling her husband “my fool.” She questions any decision of Vitaly, comments, makes adjustments to his actions. This happens both when they choose a place for a picnic, and when Vitaly is looking for a transparent varnish to process a wooden bench. Galina calls her husband a “fool” even in company. In response to puzzled looks, he says: “Well, he knows that I still love him.”
Anton never tires of reminding Lena that he married her, despite the fact that they have different levels of education. Anton is a candidate of medical sciences, a famous ophthalmologist. And Lena graduated from medical school and works at the reception in a private clinic. Anton is condescending towards his wife and her abilities. And even when he unsuccessfully breaks his leg and Lena gives him painkillers, her husband does not forget to emphasize the difference between their statuses.
When something doesn’t go according to plan – the weather deteriorates during a trip out of town, the laptop breaks, the bus is late – Lana always blames her husband Victor for this. “You can’t do anything right!” she says angrily. Victor just sighs. He knows how to take revenge: after such a statement, the man will be silent for several days. Lana will definitely be pissed…
When a loved one ignores our desires and preferences again and again, the emotional distance between us grows.
One fine day, Victor, Vitaly and Lena report that they no longer intend to remain married. Their spouses are discouraged: they have not done “anything so serious.”
But if some people need to go through a serious shock in order to part with a partner – betrayal, betrayal, an episode of domestic violence, then others decide to leave after a series of seemingly not so noticeable, but still cruel acts. When a loved one ignores our desires and preferences again and again, the emotional distance between us grows.
During a family therapy session, people who practice this behavior say, “I am who I am. I’m not going to change for the sake of another!” In translation, this means: “I am not going to experience discomfort so that you feel better. You are less important than me and my desires.” Unfortunately, for the couple, this is a road to nowhere.
But if you are that “cruel” partner and do not turn a blind eye to existing problems, if you want to maintain and improve relationships, there are simple rules that will help you do this.
Think before you say what you were going to
Ask yourself: is your joke, your dark humorous comment, going to be understood correctly? Will they upset your partner? What is more important – to practice wit or to take care of the good mood of a loved one? Your mental effort, your desire to restrain yourself, can be the best “prevention” of a family quarrel.
“Sometimes it’s not entirely obvious to spouses what exactly they can be grateful to each other for,” writes psychologist Pyotr Dmitrievsky.1. “And exploring that contribution becomes part of the couple’s work in the family counseling office. It may turn out that such a contribution is withdrawal into oneself and avoiding a quarrel or serious efforts to contain female (male) tantrums.
Remember that your partner is your friend
If what you are about to say you would never say to your buddy, why would you allow yourself to speak like that to your spouse?
“Give up the temptation to win an argument to temporarily side with your partner,” advises psychologist Robert Leahy2. Sometimes it’s better to be kind than right.
Stop looking down on your partner
If you think that you are married to someone of a lower social status, and do not think to hide your feelings about this, you are hurting someone whom you seem to be loved, respected, protected. Perhaps you are ignoring the strengths and talents of a loved one.
So, Lena was perfectly able to take care of her husband during his illness, despite the lack of a degree.
The presence of a “crust” does not guarantee that we have an intellectual, just as its absence does not indicate any negative personality traits of your partner. In addition, emotional intelligence is valued more and more every year – your spouse can succeed without a higher education.
Don’t underestimate the “little things”
What seems insignificant to you can hurt someone else greatly. Perhaps your relationship is filled with these little “misunderstandings” – outbursts of irritation and anger, spiteful comments, cruel jokes, choosing not in favor of a partner.
All this only exacerbates the problems between you. “In order for a husband (wife) to share something important with you, you need to make sure that talking with you is safe for him,” reminds Peter Dmitrievsky. If the interlocutor runs the risk of encountering your ambiguous reaction at every step, this is unlikely to benefit the relationship.
1 Peter Dmitrievsky “Anatomy of a family conflict”, Nicaea, 2020.
2 Robert Leahy Jealousy. How to live with her and maintain relationships, Peter, 2020.