From childhood, we were taught that we need to break ourselves in order to get the desired result. Will, self-discipline, a clear schedule, no concessions. But is it really a way to achieve success and life changes? Our columnist Ilya Latypov talks about different types of self-abuse and what it leads to.
I know one trap that all people who decide to change themselves fall into. It lies on the surface, but it is so cunningly arranged that none of us will pass by it — we will definitely step on it and get confused.
The very idea of »changing yourself» or «changing your life» leads straight to this trap. The most important link is overlooked, without which all efforts will go to waste and we may end up in an even worse position than we were. Wanting to change ourselves or our lives, we forget to think about how we interact with ourselves or with the world. And how we do it depends on what will happen.
For many, the main way of interacting with themselves is violence. From childhood, we were taught that we need to break ourselves in order to get the desired result. Will, self-discipline, no indulgences. And whatever we offer such a person for development, he will use violence.
Violence as a way of contact — continuous war with yourself and with others
Yoga? I torture myself with yoga so much, ignoring all the signals of the body, that then I won’t get up for a week.
Need to set goals and achieve them? I will drive myself into a disease, fighting for the realization of five goals at once.
Should children be raised with kindness? We caress the children to hysterics and at the same time we will press our own needs and irritation on children — there is no place for our feelings in the brave new world!
Violence as a way of contact is a continuous war with oneself and with others. We become like a person who masters different tools, knowing only one thing: hammering nails. He will beat with a hammer, and a microscope, and a book, and a saucepan. Because he knows nothing but hammering nails. If something does not work out, he will begin to hammer “nails” into himself …
And then there is obedience — one of the varieties of violence against oneself. It lies in the fact that the main thing in life is the conscientious implementation of instructions. Inherited childish obedience, only instead of parents now — business gurus, psychologists, politicians, journalists …
You can start taking care of yourself with such frenzy that no one will be healthy
The words of a psychologist about how important it is to clarify one’s feelings in communication will be perceived as an order with this method of interaction.
Not “important to clarify”, but “always clarify”. And, drenched in sweat, ignoring our own horror, we will go to explain ourselves to everyone with whom we were afraid before. Having not yet found any support in himself, no support, only on the energy of obedience — and as a result, falling into depression, destroying both himself and relationships. And punishing himself for the failures: “They told me how to do it right, but I couldn’t!” Infantile? Yes. And ruthless to myself.
Very seldom does another way of relating to ourselves manifest itself in us — care. When you carefully study yourself, discover strengths and weaknesses, learn to deal with them. You learn self-support, not self-adjustment. Carefully, slowly — and catching yourself by the hand when the usual violence against yourself rushes forward. Otherwise, you can start taking care of yourself with such frenzy that no one will be healthy.
And by the way: with the advent of care, the desire to change oneself often disappears.