The participants of the 1954 experiment were placed in small, quiet rooms. They were given food, besides, they were supposed to lie down and rest. Most of them quickly quit, although they received cash for each day of doing nothing. – Peace of mind is good when we organize and dose it ourselves – explains Magdalena Sękowska, psychologist, psychotherapist, director of the SWPS Family-Para-Unit University Clinic in Poznań.
- Months of social distance are behind us, and for some people – total loneliness. How do loneliness and isolation affect our psyche?
- The lack of stimulation related to direct relationships may cause us to start experiencing ourselves as if we were less worthy, less suited to happiness – explains the psychologist Magdalena Sękowska
- The need for emotional contact is a natural, vital need of a person that does not pass throughout life
- If we have lonely people in our environment, let them signal that they are important to us, let’s call, send messages, initiate contact, even if they do not repay the same
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Karolina Świdrak, Medonet: Social isolation, compulsory quarantine, holidays during which we do not visit our relatives are a time of solitude for many people. What does loneliness do to people? What is loneliness that lasts a long time?
Magdalena Sękowska, psychologist: Loneliness has many dimensions. In interpersonal relations, it is sometimes a desirable state, because it gives us the possibility of self-reflection, looking at the relationship from a distance, disconnecting, withdrawing. We need all this so that we can get involved again in some time.
On the other hand, loneliness that lasts and does not change may not only worsen, but also have a negative impact on our mental and physical health. I want to emphasize this clearly: isolation from contacts, the lack of stimulation related to direct relationships can cause us to start experiencing ourselves as if we were less worthy, less suited to happiness, more pessimistic. This, in turn, can cause a negative attitude towards the world related to hiding and closing in on yourself.
Man is still lonely with his thoughts, he is often accompanied by memories, he analyzes various kinds of phenomena in a more generalized way. Sometimes he comes to conclusions that are completely unrealistic, but without the possibility of verifying in reality, confronting other people. For example, that he is worth nothing, he has failed in his life, people have betrayed him and have failed him.
All such generalizations threaten to strengthen a person’s sense of inferiority, or to make the world perceived by them evil, hostile, and people around them hostile. This has a concrete impact on our health. Experiencing ourselves and the world in such a way may make our immune system work worse, we start to get sick.
Can you get sick from loneliness?
Various studies show that lonely people heal less well and recover from diseases worse. Lack of social support is a very important factor in winning in diseases such as heart attacks, hypertension, various types of problems with the circulatory system, so this is another thing that burdens lonely people – not only the mental system is disturbed, but also the immune system that protects ourselves from ailments.
Long-term loneliness affects all spheres of our life?
Yes, its effects are very negative on different levels. People in loneliness do not practice relationships every day, so they begin to have lowered interpersonal skills. They begin to withdraw from making contacts – on the one hand, they are thirsty for them, and on the other, they feel hurt and that the world has forgotten about them. They may also have difficulties in communication when such contact occurs – be frustrated, anxious, aggressive, but also depressed, with depressed mood and psychomotor drive, which makes them perceived by others as very difficult in contacts. This, in turn, causes, as in a vicious circle, that other people can move away, and a lonely person will interpret it according to their usual patterns – that the world is bad or she is hopeless.
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Why is loneliness so troubling us? Why do we need other people so badly?
The need for emotional contact is a natural human need in life. The research on orphan disease carried out in the 50s very clearly showed that the need to be in a close relationship with another person is one that determines our survival not only psychologically, but also physically. Many people believe that we only have the need for close contact in the early stages of development, but this is not true – it does not perish throughout our lives. The lack of stimulation related to the emotional bond with closeness has effects such as depression, suicidal thoughts, passivity, aggression, autoaggression and can lead to various kinds of disturbances and disturbances in mental functioning.
When we are disconnected from relationships, from contacts, it is also possible to use memories for some part of our functioning, we can relate to what happened to us. These are our emotional resource banks: we can look at photos, remember nice situations. But the longer this situation lasts, also as a result of monotony and uniformity of stimuli, our psyche may weave all sorts of illusions, we may have something like daydreams, a tendency to fantasize and distort reality or self-image. It also makes our vision of the world shallower, because we are doomed only to our own version of events, we lack stimuli from other people. This is another reason why contacts are needed.
For months, our contacts with others have been limited. What can we do to protect ourselves from depression and a negative image of the world?
A lot can be done by the relatives of single people by keeping in touch, sending evidence that this someone is important to them. Now I have a lot of online consultations with single people. They are often young people who, for example, started work somewhere, left for another city, rented a flat there, are alone, and have no support. These people tell me that there are days when they don’t want to call anyone or talk to anyone. And when someone text them »I think about you, hold on» it is very helpful for them.
If we have lonely people around us, give them such signals, send them these messages, regardless of whether the person responds or not.without counting on him to reciprocate or show gratitude.
You can also involve such people knowing that they have some skills. Currently, it is popular to sew masks or take care of the neighbors. Involving single people in charitable and social activities can be a great source of new incentives for them.
And telephone calls as a substitute for contact?
I recommend messaging with a camera more, because eye contact is very important here. If we do not have the possibility of direct contact, we should try to see at least through the camera. We will see if this someone is fine, and our interlocutor or interlocutor will have a reason to get dressed, groomed, and look good. Anything to get someone out of passivity.
Many people now tell me that they are contacted by friends they haven’t spoken to in 10 years, or by old friends. It’s nice to hear suddenly: I have not forgotten, you are still important to me. In these difficult circumstances, people say nice things to each other, sum up, remember that once someone had a big influence on their lives. I myself have quite a lot of phone calls where people say to me: I want to thank you for the lectures that I once listened to and which are still paying off. I’m surprised, it’s very empowering.
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How is loneliness different from social isolation? Because these are two different concepts in psychology, right?
Social isolation is not our choice, it is a state of exclusion, limitation of contact. And loneliness is a state that is experienced subjectively as a state of disconnection, disconnection with others. These phenomena are related.
People who have families are socially isolated, but not lonely, there is emotional contact among household members.
On the other hand, people who are lonely in life are single, after divorce, someone close to them has died, they are lonely and it is not necessarily their choice. Such people can experience isolation very strongly as a negative experience, because they are confronted with the loss and the fact that there is an empty space next to them. At the same time, they cannot make any move to deal with this social situation. Social isolation can be very hard to deal with when it is combined with the experience of loneliness.
We have no great influence on the compulsion of isolation. And for the feeling of loneliness? How can we counteract it?
People in such a situation who feel unwell precisely because of loneliness, experience various types of anxiety, should seek professional help from a psychologist or psychiatrist. I myself conduct such consultations, which are now very popular.
Sometimes expressing these feelings about loneliness out loud leads to the conclusion: I want to be with someone in my life, I want to build a relationship with someone, which then becomes a stimulus to action.
It is worse with people who feel that nothing will happen to them anymore, that they do not want to build a relationship anymore. Then isolation deepens their sense of disconnection. In such situations, it is helpful to redirect their thoughts to threads, perhaps to do something they always wanted to do, to do something they wanted to do. Here a lot depends on the self-awareness of the person.
Some people may really need the help of a psychiatrist. In a sense that would provide some voltage relief. Quite a few psychiatrists now consult online.
What about the serenity we all dream about so much? In the 50s, an interesting experiment was carried out at the University of Montreal: the subjects were placed in a small, soundproofed and dimmed room. They were cut off from all stimuli, they were only supplied with food, the rest of the time they were only to lie down. Most of them withdrew from the project after 3-4 days, although they received remuneration for each day of participation. Peace of mind isn’t that cool though?
We need peace of mind when we experience excess, overwhelming pressure, being on the run and not being able to influence our surroundings. Then peace of mind is pleasant and useful. Isolation, disconnection, meditation bring us relief, but we always feel that we can return to an active life at the chosen moment.
And when we are forced to isolate ourselves, we rarely enjoy it. Suddenly, the brain begins to miss what was a natural stimulus. And if there is no external one, it can also produce its own. The experiment you mention showed that isolated subjects were prone to hallucinations and delusions. This shows how much we need external stimuli in our lives.
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And if we talk about this sacred peace – sometimes we have a disturbed balance between being constantly in touch, in tasks, in rush. Then we long for this “holy peace”, we dream of distancing ourselves. But the best there is balance for our psyche – some stimuli that arouse our strong commitment, and some distance that we have control over. Peace of mind is good when we organize and dose it ourselves.
Can we somehow learn to function properly in isolation?
In the present situation, we must all learn to provide ourselves with stimuli, because we get less from the outside world. Where to get them? From self-reflection, reflection, looking at your life. Contrary to appearances, we now need this element of distance.
It is worth remembering that self-reflection activates areas of the brain other than those responsible for strong emotions, so it prevents us from experiencing fear in a panic. Self-reflection can give us a feeling of fullness or consistency, because then our brain works in all areas and uses its potential. And self-reflection are the questions: what am I really like, what does this situation say about me, how do I perceive what is happening in my family, how do I behave, do I really want to behave like that, do I really have a happy family or just like that? it seems to me what my relationship with my partner is. These are the questions that show our life from a helicopter and allow us to draw conclusions that will help us in the future from this distance.
When we leave home after all these months, we will have to redirect our lives. For this, inner strength and good contacts with people will be very useful, and self-reflection is needed to create both of these things. Right now, despite many inconveniences, we have a great opportunity to spend a lot of time on it.
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