We speak, but they do not hear us: what to do?

Communication can be like a war: we are trying to break the will of the other, make him give up and agree to our terms. Or a game of thimbles: we skillfully hide the meaning under the heaps of “smart” words in the hope that the interlocutor “blinks” and does not notice the catch. But violence and manipulation cannot achieve the main thing: trust.

Communications expert Frank Luntz has conducted over a thousand focus groups and other surveys to understand what communication techniques work. We talked to him about it.

Psychologies: What are the most common communication mistakes we make?

Frank Luntz: In the era of the Internet and social networks, sharing information has become easier. But this simplicity is deceptive. It seems that if the words reach the interlocutor in a split second, then the meaning also reaches him. But it’s not. The more we communicate, the less we pay attention to how we speak.

This is especially noticeable in electronic correspondence: the interlocutor may be annoyed by stereotyped politeness, and he may take too assertive style for aggression. But you are sure that you are doing everything right: in the first case, you follow all the necessary rituals, in the second, you don’t let him “jump off”.

We often try to show our erudition and awareness, but do not take into account the needs of the interlocutor. For example, if you want to get promoted, you need to put yourself in the shoes of your boss. Does it matter to him why you deserve it, what is your family situation, how long have you worked in the company? Rather, he will care that you can bring the company to a new position.

Are there any specific words and phrases to use?

It’s not about words, it’s about using them. The same words spoken in different contexts can produce different impressions. And vice versa – you can describe the same object in different words.

Take a look at your interlocutor. What are his priorities, values, how he builds the distance. For some, a contract is a “guarantee of mutually beneficial cooperation”, for others it is “a couple of signatures on paper”.

There are also universal things. We painfully perceive everything that reminds us of mortality and vulnerability. Therefore, people are often put off by phrases like “survival insurance” or “customer lifetime value.” People like to think of themselves as individuals rather than as statistical units in someone else’s report.

What are some ways to improve your speech?

Avoid abbreviations, special terms and long words, do not clog your speech with introductory constructions. Remember: one precise, bright word is worth a dozen passing ones. Look at successful ad copy. Nike’s “Just do it” slogan is a great example of how to express meaning as simply and powerfully as possible. Reservations, obscenities, inappropriate “embellishments” – all this, on the contrary, weakens speech and makes it difficult to follow the meaning.

What do masters of communication do? What is their secret to success?

Take popular TV presenters. They build an emotional connection with the audience and address what excites each viewer. We make a big mistake when we speak in general terms, as if we were reporting about life on Earth for the inhabitants of a distant galaxy. When you say something, always consider whether it will move the listeners.

How to achieve this?

The key is to say things that resonate with people’s emotional experiences. It can be narrow and specific (for example, if you are addressing representatives of a certain generation or a specific social environment), or it can be universal. When Martin Luther King uttered the words “I have a dream”, he was speaking to everyone’s dreams and hopes. There is a word that automatically gives us an image of the future, because for everyone it means something different. That word is “imagine”.

You are talking about communicating with a wide audience. How to communicate effectively in everyday life?

Here the advice is the same. Be sincere, persuasive, and give people what they want. For example, if you want to apologize, it’s not enough to just say “I’m sorry.” First you say, “I made a mistake” – that is an acknowledgment of the situation. Then: “I am guilty” (or “I am sorry about it”) is an admission of responsibility. Then: “Please forgive me.” And finally: “How can I make amends”? This shows that you are ready for change. These four steps together make a difference. If it’s not there, you might be missing something.