In our life together, we are touched by many things, but we cannot always demand the discussion of certain issues. If the topic (question) is “on foreign territory” and is not common, no matter how much you like something, you cannot demand discussion.
The husband is infuriated that his wife has a mess and even rotten apples in her personal purse. The wife is horrified by the managerial decisions that the husband has conceived in his company. They will have to relax — these issues are not common, and if the other side does not want to discuss these issues, they have every right to do so. It just needs to be accepted.
We repeat: with regard to not general, but personal topics, then discussing them or not discussing how to discuss them is decided solely by the one whose personal question this is. This is his right. It is a different matter when the issue is on a common territory: on a common territory, not a single issue can be resolved unilaterally. We must resolve all issues together.
Questions about raising children, how to spend a joint vacation or what to do with joint savings — as a rule, such questions are general.
We solve such issues together, and those who are interested in this have the right to demand it.
Not only softly ask, but also hard to demand — if in a good way, in a kind way it doesn’t work out.
You do not have to put up with the fact that someone uses your things, your time without asking, is jealous of you for every pillar or tells nasty things about you, you have the right to demand respect for yourself. In the common ground, «Take me for who I am» is only a form of cheap manipulation.
Discussing controversial issues, we waive privileges and have equal rights in the discussion. Arguments “Because I am a man!” Are not accepted from a man, a woman cannot crush tears and insults, referring to her feminine nature. Privileges can be given, privileges cannot be taken. A woman does not have any special privileges until they are given to her by a man. A man has no advantage in the discussion until his greater authority and reasonableness is recognized by the woman herself. Children, while they are children, obey adults, and do not command them their desires. Children don’t have any special advantage if we don’t want to raise them as parasites.
If suddenly someone’s rights arbitrarily fall from the sky: “Well, this is a child!!”, “You have to give in to me, because I am a woman!” or in the most arbitrary way they are lost: “Go away, woman, horsemen are thinking here!” — to work to acquire rights becomes less interesting, if not simply meaningless↑.
Everything is always discussed on the common territory, not a single topic can be closed as painful. However, we do not raise difficult, unpleasant and painful topics “just like that”, “by the way”. Reproaches and accusations are prohibited. We raise sensitive issues only on the case and only for constructive discussion. Discussion of painful topics can take place in a special format of control — in writing or under audio recording↑.
Is it possible to avoid discussing what you do not want to discuss? — No. If the question is general and you are invited to discuss it, this should be done. No one can declare any common topic “painful” and closed for discussion, since this infringes on the rights of the other side and provokes an increase in the amount of pain. However, see Right to mental health protection
Can the discussion be postponed? — Yes, you can. Sometimes the situation is not right, sometimes you have other important and urgent matters. In this case, please ask: “Please postpone” and indicate why and until when. The first one either meets this request, or (in more critical cases) has the right to say: «I insist.» Then it’s a must to discuss.
The “I insist” password is a last resort, it is not recommended to use it often. If you said «I insist» — the partner is obliged to obey, but he gets the right to later figure out why you decided to insist. If you do not provide a serious justification, for this you will be struck in the rights and for the time that the partner will designate, you will be deprived of the right to use the password «I insist».
Sometimes you can hear the proposal to discuss: “Later”, “I’m not ready”, “Oh, leave me alone, now it’s not up to that!” What to do if the partner does not go to the discussion? — Sometimes the partner is really not ready for discussion, but you have the right to demand clarifications: «Then — when is this?» “You are not ready now – when will you be ready?” If the partner still cannot say anything, he should say when he collects his thoughts and chooses the time: “I will tell you in the evening when we discuss this issue.”
You have the right to seek that a general matter of importance to you be discussed as a matter of priority at the first reasonable opportunity. For example, you have the right to forbid any conversations on extraneous topics and any other serious distractions, including joys.
Shrovetide has come, everyone wants a holiday and forget about disagreements, but for example, the husband in the family is not up to the holidays. He has the right not only not to participate in the celebration, but also to demand that the celebration be postponed. “First, we will solve the issue, the holiday will be after that.” Also, a wife in a similar situation can exclude intimacy from a relationship, and her behavior is not conflicting. As she decides, so be it.
At the same time, «warming» (short actions that improve relationships) are allowed and recommended. It is not at all necessary in a situation of waiting, when we sit down and decide everything, to walk around with a dead and dissatisfied face, pretending that the family is no longer there. If we give each other signs that we are dear to each other, we are great, and it’s right for a husband not to pout and not pull his hand away from stroking his hand from, for example, his wife, but to respond with a warm touch. This does not interfere with a future agreement, but helps it.
When negotiating, it is important to mark whether this is a soft, medium or hard agreement. A soft one is only a convenient guideline, and if it is not enforced (seriously), there can be no sanctions. A tough agreement must be fulfilled without fail. See Types of agreements Right to enforce agreements