“We parted, but we live together”: the rules of survival

Even if the parting happened by mutual agreement, the forced neighborhood, as a rule, is hard on both sides. This is almost always a psychologically difficult situation, and it is worth adhering to a number of rules that can help.

1. Make a travel plan. You must make a plan for how you will change the situation in order to eventually live separately. Without this understanding, it is almost impossible to maintain peaceful coexistence.

2. Determine «your» place in the house. It is necessary that everyone has their own space in which the other side cannot appear. And, of course, under no circumstances should you sleep in a shared bed.

3. Keep all important documents in a safe place. Most of us hope that the divorce will go amicably and we can count on the decency of the other side. My experience as a lawyer shows how easily ex-spouses can go on the warpath if they do not agree on issues that are important to them. Make sure you have copies of all documents related to children, finances and property.

4. Don’t avoid your home. This is more common for men. Sometimes the stress of being together is so great that there is a desire to avoid returning home. But if you have children, it sends them the wrong signal: Dad doesn’t want to talk to us anymore. Until you have separated and you do not have a place where you will regularly see the children, you cannot stop communicating with them because it is difficult for you to share a house with their mother. The constant absence of a father will be an additional trauma for children experiencing parental separation.

5. Avoid fights. Emotions are often heated during or after a divorce, and conflicts flare up quickly and violently. Especially in a situation where both sides are well aware of each other’s weaknesses. You cannot take responsibility for your partner, but you can try to control yourself and not be the first to fight.

6. Avoid temptation. There may be situations that provoke you to physical intimacy. The initiator of the breakup most often regrets that he succumbed to the temptation. And the one who still loves, experiences even greater mental pain. It is important that both sides do not cross the border. Even if your feelings have not cooled down, remember that you made the decision to leave. Forced cohabitation cannot be a reason to try to start over.

«Emotional responses are relationship maintenance»

Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist

If you are still in love, beware of falling into dreams that everything will return. Divide your spaces so that you touch as little as possible. Remove things that remind you of a common past. Yes, in your position it is natural to get angry, cry, resent. But the partner is no longer involved in your life, and you should not expect understanding from him. Therefore, it is important to give free rein to feelings, but not in communication with him, but alone with yourself, with friends.

But how to communicate with him? Taking the utmost care of yourself. You need to build a new life, compensate for the damage, look for other sources of maintaining your well-being. Therefore, as diplomatically as possible, stop conversations that do not suit you, develop agreements that are useful for yourself.

You can’t complain endlessly. Your emotionality is a kind of preservation of relationships, and this is not good for you.

If you are the initiator of a divorce, then most likely you will feel guilty about what happened. Often this is expressed either in an ingratiating-unstable behavior, which the partner may regard as an intention to return, or in an aggressive-defensive position, which additionally hurts the other side.

What can be done? Work out the rules of the hostel: who pays for what, where whose products are, whether it is possible to bring guests and whether it is necessary to warn about this. It is better to write everything down on paper so that there are no disagreements and you do not have to return to the discussion every time. Take a neutral-sympathetic position: yes, I hear you, I understand your feelings. But we are no longer together and we have to accept that. It happens that an abandoned partner unconsciously tries to express resentment in requests, suddenly remembers additional expenses, and waits for emergency help. Take responsibility for respecting new boundaries, even if the partner tries to violate them.

If you are forced to live in the same space in an atmosphere of mutual hatred, then it is better to run. Staying with friends, relatives, or asking for shelter at a crisis center — any of these decisions will be the best.