The social stereotype dictates to us that life without making love is not only boring, but also unprofitable. But are sensual pleasures as important to our physical and mental well-being as is commonly believed? Let’s try to figure it out together with psychologist Natalya Fomicheva.
Psychologies: Is sex really necessary for us?
Natalia Fomicheva: Not at all. It is quite possible to live without it. And in one and the same person, interest in sex can either awaken or fade in the course of life. But I don’t like the whole idea of considering sex as a phenomenon. I would suggest talking about sexuality, which combines the psyche and physiology. With the help of sexuality, we satisfy the cognitive need — the study of ourselves and others. The same concept includes our experience about ourselves as a sexual subject and object, behavior, attraction, reflection.
Do you agree with Freud that we are driven by sexuality?
Sexuality is more complex than anatomical parts or mechanical actions during intercourse. It gives us creative energy. And creativity is about knowledge, interaction, about experiencing the taste for life through bodily pleasure, which helps to overcome adversity. But we can not exaggerate and say that we are driven by the desire to sleep with someone. We are driven by the desire to learn something new, to meet someone, to see ourselves through the eyes of another.
I often hear from women: “But I didn’t know that I was like that until someone told me about it.” In contact we discover ourselves. When another looks at me and notices something in me, then I can see it too. It is no coincidence that we say «sensuality has opened.» It was closed, but it is revealed in sex. We cannot know what we are in it until we deal with it.
It is often said that sex is good for physical and mental health. This is true?
Well… sex does not prevent the development of cirrhosis of the liver, for example. There is a category of people who do not have sex, do not want it and do not experience any problems. And there are no strong differences in terms of physical health compared to those who have sex twice a day. The question is whether there are some experiences in both options or not.
If everything is harmonious in the sexual sphere, then this will have an overall effect on mental well-being. If there are any conflicts, discontent, negative emotions, then it doesn’t matter if there is sex or not, tension in the psyche will also affect physical well-being.
The idea that you absolutely need to have sex for health is strange
But sex is not a panacea for diseases. I am closer to the idea that if a person has sexual relationships in life and he likes them, then this is another powerful resource. And if he does not have a relationship and he likes it, then this is also a resource. Because this is peace: I am like that, and I feel good with it. The idea that there is some kind of obligation — they say, you must definitely have sex for health — strange, in my opinion.
They write to us, for example: “I am 30 years old, but I have never had sex, and I am worried.” It turns out that sex is still important. Why?
For most of us, it is important to be in touch. It is extremely difficult to meet a person who wants to be absolutely isolated from everyone. We want to be loved, supported, treated warmly, touched us. We are social animals. And the contact is realized including through sexual relations. After all, sex is about intimacy.
We almost never have the same physical contact with anyone else as we do with a sexual partner. Even if you do not mean directly sexual intercourse. We rarely hold hands with anyone else, hugging, stroking each other. And this is an important part of life. The baby is born — and, normally, he is immediately pressed to the chest, kissed, hugged. And our need to be in bodily contact with others persists throughout life. Especially when we are very divided.
There is an illusion that if I find someone to have sex with, everything will work out.
Partners may or may not have sex. There are couples who treat each other very warmly, live together for forty years, of which 25 years without sex. And sometimes there is sex, and the person feels lonely.
But usually people experience not just loneliness, but rejection. “I don’t need (or don’t need) anyone. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with me, something is wrong with me, I’m kind of bad.” This experience is very painful. And then there is the illusion that if I find someone with whom I can have sex, everything will work out.
Women only have sex for love
And won’t it get better?
We often try to get from sex what you can’t get from it. For example, a guarantee of eternal happiness. I believe that we will always be loved. This is such a baby’s need for motherly love. Hope that I will be loved forever. And through sex we try to realize it.
By the way, that is why we are hard going through betrayal. After all, we are exclusive with mom, at least until another child is born. And we expect the same from a partner and get hurt when we find that this is impossible.
Polls show that Russians do not have sex in the first place. Why do you think?
Our sexuality depends on the level of stress. The more stress, the lower the attraction for most people. When we have a woman at the age of 35 who is raising three children alone, does not receive alimony, works two jobs, pays a mortgage, what kind of sexual desires can we talk about? For her, it’s not number one. She may have a fantasy — maybe at least we can fix something here, so let me have sex and I will feel a little better.
But when our basic needs are not satisfied — sleep, food, security — then we have no time for sex. And if everything is fine with the basic needs, then in the superstructure — in sexuality — everything will be fine with us. But you cannot change the base by changing the add-on. You can not establish sex and automatically find happiness in life.
Let’s get back to the topic of creativity. How is it related to sexuality?
One clarification: when I say «creativity», I do not mean by all means to paint a picture. This is about the fact that I do what I want in life — an interesting business, a project, I breed dogs. When our sexual desire is satisfied, then the physiological release, the response of the nervous tissue, seems to somehow affect the functioning of the brain very strongly in general.
In response to the experience of pleasure, we have more ease, freedom, resources. Because the nervous system is one. One element is pulled, the other moves. Conversely, tension in one part will create tension in another. And therefore, women who have experienced sexual violence are traumatized not only in the sexual sphere. And if sexuality does not face violence, but is realized through pleasure, pleasure, then a woman becomes more purposeful, strong-willed, creative, she likes to live.
Our body is a system where everything is interconnected. Therefore, sexuality is not only and not so much about the genitals, but about our personality as a whole.