Contents
What makes any dialogue difficult is not what is said, but what is not said. Three American coaches invite us behind the scenes of a heated quarrel and show with a living example how you can talk about everything in the world without breaking into a cry or quarreling.
- How are your relationships with people?
«Do you have a minute? I need to talk to you … ”It’s not at all easy to tell another person what’s going on in our souls, or to announce to him that it’s time to leave. We are afraid that we will not be understood, we do not want to hurt or lose the love and good attitude of another. How to avoid communication difficulties? Three Harvard professors, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, have no doubt that what makes conversation difficult, or «serious,» is not what is proclaimed, but what is not said at all. . Despite external diversity, «serious conversations» have the same structure. After all, without being aware of this, we always pursue three parallel strategies:
- We impose our facts and our vision of the situation,
- We want to make respect our feelings,
- We protect ourselves.
To show how this works in real life, let’s take as an example one young couple who constantly quarrel.
- Quarrel, but smartly
common situation
Young people, let’s call them Oksana and Vadim, went on vacation along the sea coast (the very one where they once met), and stayed with friends who introduced them. Dinner. Oksana tries to quit smoking, but she still smokes one cigarette after another. In the end, Vadim grabs her by the hand and says: «Maybe that’s enough?» Home Oksana goes frowning. «What?» asks Vadim. «Nothing, I’m tired.» Vadim hugs Oksana: «Well, I see that something is wrong.» “You treat me like a little girl! The story of the cigarette is terrible!” “But you told me that you want to quit. I just wanted to help you!» «It’s like I can’t help myself.» “The fact that you are so angry because of this is simply ridiculous!” «I’m mad because you humiliated me in front of my friends!» “Yes, you are just looking for a reason to quarrel. You keep blaming me.» How did the couple come to this turn in their conversation?
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1. What really happened?
Let’s try to get back to where the fight started. It was Vadim’s gesture in the presence of friends. What did he mean? Oksana’s version: «You treat me like a little one.» Vadim’s interpretation: «I just wanted to help you.» Most «serious conversations» begin like this: the facts are jumbled together in an attempt to establish what happened or could happen, who said or did what. Everyone in the dispute tries to impose his version of what is happening on the other. And here the problems begin: between our heroes there is no longer a dialogue, but a duel in which each of them wants to win.
Mistake: vicious circle of recriminations
Vadim and Oksana made two mistakes. First of all, each of them is sure that his version of what happened is correct. When Oksana exclaims: «That’s exactly what I thought!», in essence, she says: «I’m right, and you’re wrong.» Second, they believe they know each other’s intentions, on the assumption that these intentions are bad. Reproaching each other, they don’t listen, they accuse: «Will you always treat me like a little girl?» He has no choice but to defend himself, while attacking: «It’s you who are always looking for a reason to quarrel!» Thus a vicious circle is created.
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Solution: deposit system
First of all, it is necessary to change the goal of the game: not to impose your point of view and not to find someone to blame, but to understand each other and reach agreement. In other words, Vadim and Oksana should stop acting like enemies and become allies, move from a system of blame («It’s your fault, your point of view is wrong, you should change it») to a system of mutual contributions («We are both responsible, let’s try to find out why our points of view do not coincide»).
2. Feelings in the game
The skirmish is accompanied by strong emotions that are difficult to manage: anger, shame, sadness … At the beginning, Oksana tries to hide them: “Nothing happened. I’m just tired». After that, she does not hold back and in an extremely expressive manner shows her emotions, raising her voice. In fact, she is not sure: is it right to demonstrate what she feels or not? Vadim, for his part, asks himself what he should do: console her or send her to hell?
- Which couple can resist?
Mistake: containment
Emotions are at the heart of any difficult conversation, but they rarely lend themselves to verbalization, either because it is considered inappropriate or because people are afraid of becoming vulnerable. Despite how hard they try to restrain them, emotions influence behavior, manifesting themselves in the form of some potential “destruction”: hiding behind sarcasm, impatience, anger … Oksana was ashamed that she had been treated like this in front of her friends. Instead of recognizing and defining her feelings, Oksana dumps them on Vadim: “You wanted to humiliate / offend me.” So the core of the conflict moves from one’s own emotions to the partner’s intentions: misunderstandings are inevitable.
Solution: Verbalize Emotions Without Thinking
The only way to avoid misunderstandings is to talk about how you feel. Key words for this: «I feel / I think …» In addition, it is necessary to give the interlocutor the opportunity to understand himself. If you say, «It’s ridiculous to be angry about this,» you will only make him more angry. If you say, «Help me understand why you are so angry,» you will help him calm down.
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3. Image and personality
Who am I in this couple? Oksana does not want to seem like a little girl, and Vadim — henpecked. Unbeknownst to themselves, they both wonder how they look from the outside: do they deserve to be loved? Both are afraid of losing not only the respect of others, but also self-respect.
Mistake: all or nothing
Did Oksana really behave like a little girl? Is it true that Vadim wanted to humiliate her (and achieved this)? The difficulty lies in learning to manage your reactions without being subjected to the “all or nothing” syndrome: not to lose face due to a lack of self-confidence and to accept everything as it is and sink into self-depreciation.
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Solution: To each his own responsibility
Vadim and Oksana can admit their shortcomings without losing face: “I really do not have enough will, since I continue to smoke”; “By chiding you publicly, I wanted to appear cool.” The courage with which each of the interlocutors accepts their share of responsibility should help them to be just as honest and sincere towards each other. You can also stop seeing only the flaws of the interlocutor («You never admit your mistakes»; «You always want to quarrel») and recognize that he is able to change. And in this way, together, we can come to a solution to the conflict.