“The child seeks our attention and at the same time wants to protect his world from invasion,” says Julia Gippenreiter in her new book for parents.
Interview with Julia Gippenreiter
Julia Gippenreiter – Doctor of Psychology, Professor of Moscow State University, author of the bestsellers “Communicate with a child. How?” and “We continue to communicate with the child. So?”, Textbook “Introduction to General Psychology” (AST: Astrel, 2008).
Julia Gippenreiter “We continue to communicate with the child. So?” AST, 2008. Avoiding common simplifications, the author shares with readers his experience of building a trusting relationship with a child.
Psychologies: Your book “Communicate with a child. How?” has long been a bestseller and is reprinted several times a year. What prompted you to write a second book on the same topic?
Julia Gippenreiter: More than ten years have passed since the publication of the first book. All this time I conducted classes and trainings, communicated with parents and children. Many spoke of the difficulties they encountered in trying to master the techniques and principles offered in the book “Communicate with a Child. How? ”… And I decided that it was time to talk about this with readers. Meanwhile, the second book turned out to be less technical (and more lyrical) than the first … It’s true. Our success as parents largely depends on how much we understand and consider the nature of the child. Therefore, I devoted several chapters of the book to describing the needs of children, their inner world, emotions and experiences, and the motives for their behavior. Many responsible and conscientious parents understand their function only as an educational one, and the nature of the child implies a much more diverse communication with him.
What does the child need?
Yu. G .: First of all, in an atmosphere of goodwill and trust. It is also important to support the independence of the child – and at the same time provide him with help where he needs it.
But how to figure out where you need to support, and where, on the contrary, it is better not to interfere?
Yu. G .: This is not an easy question; to find an answer, I had to turn to the law of the “zone of proximal development”, discovered in the first half of the XNUMXth century by the remarkable psychologist Lev Vygotsky. Briefly, this law can be stated as follows: tomorrow the child will do for himself what he is doing today with adults. In other words, our joint affairs, our conversations with him, games create the basis of his knowledge, abilities and opportunities at the next stage of his psychological development. I have tried to describe the forms of adult participation in a child’s life and to discuss with readers the fine line between desirable help and undesirable parental intervention.
Did you manage to formulate any rules?
Yu. G .: There are no ready-made recipes, and I hope parents know this: there is no single right answer for all situations, all children and all parents. Studying the interaction between an adult and a child, I decided to look at the memoirs, biographies and autobiographies of famous people. From them you can learn what exactly parents did to help children discover and discover their talents and ultimately find their own path in life.
What is the secret of their success?
Yu. G .: Talented parents act in different ways, but all give the child quite a lot of freedom. At the same time, the general atmosphere of the parental home is also very important: the environment in which the child lives must be culturally “enriched”. Then the children will have something to do, something to perceive or absorb, including on their own. Some parents seem to say: “I know that you can handle it yourself.” Their “non-intervention” does not mean indifference, but respect and trust. Other parents support the child in everything that interests and fascinates him – and get carried away with him! Another option is not to be directly involved in what the son or daughter is doing, but to share your (other) interests with him.
Why “others” and not to participate in the work that has already fascinated him?
Yu. G .: When the parents get too involved in such an affair, they can dampen his enthusiasm with too much pressure or too much attention. If a child is interested in what the parent is a professional at, he may be tempted to rush the child, push him, try to give too much – and thereby interrupt his initiative. Carl Rogers has a wonderful metaphor: when caring for a plant, the gardener waters it, fertilizes it, loosens the soil around it, but does not pull on the top so that it grows faster! This is how children need both care for their growth and free development*. And there are great examples here, which I talk about in the book. For example, Isadora Duncan’s mother read poems to children and played them every evening Beethoven, Mozart, Schubert. Did she teach her daughter to dance? No. But, charging from parents with their enthusiasm, the child develops aesthetically, mentally, spiritually. So parents create the basis for the activity that in the end he chooses himself. Very often, despite our best efforts, children do not choose the area in which we diligently direct them.
Paradox Paganini
“The example of Niccolo Paganini, as an opponent of the method of coercion, haunted me for a long time,” says Yulia Gippenreiter. – From the biography of Paganini it is known that his father was strict and even cruel. He forced his son to practice the violin all day long, beat him on the fingers, locked him at home. How did it happen that the boy did not end up hating playing the violin? We find the answer in Paganini’s memoirs. Once, at about the age of seven, when he was in church, he was struck by the sounds of the organ and listened to the music as if enchanted, forgetting everything. This experience became the key to his destiny. What happened to the boy? In the language of scientific psychology, we can say that he had an internal motive, which serves as a source of great energy and aspiration. Such energy is directed not only to achieving the goal, but also to overcoming difficulties that cannot poison the subject of passion: it is too significant and important! Niccolo Paganini became a virtuoso not because of coercion and punishment, but in spite of them. The conclusion of this story can be expressed with the help of a metaphor: even through the asphalt of violence the flowers of creativity can break through. And yet we add: asphalt is not the best environment for the growth of flowers – many of them die in it.
So the wisdom of a parent is to let the child go his own way?
Yu. G .: Yes. And it starts small: it is very important to leave the child the opportunity to be alone, to respect his right to secrets. In the new book, I paid a lot of attention to intimate childhood experiences. After all, not everything in the life of a child and his inner world should be controlled by parents. Sometimes it’s better not to know the details. For a child, moments of quiet concentration are extremely important when he is alone with himself: he lies in bed before going to bed, hides in some secluded place, spends time in nature. It can be noted (and here I again turn to autobiographical stories) that children’s insights, discoveries, awareness of their own destiny often occur when children are left to their own devices. More than that: the more dear to the child the object of his passion, the more he seeks to hide it.
Doesn’t the child want to share everything that worries him?
Yu. G .: Of course he does! He is looking for our attention, but at the same time he is trying to protect himself from the invasion of his inner world. He protects what is dear to him: he wants to be sure that a rough touch, indifference or misunderstanding will not destroy the magic that he feels in himself. And at the same time, it is very important for a child to share with us what is dear and important to him.
How do we communicate with a child to meet both of these needs?
Yu. G .: Be delicate. When we communicate with friends, we do not turn to them with rude questions, we do not climb into the soul. But the child is also our friend. Therefore, we will try to respect what interests and worries him, in no case teaching him, not belittling his feelings and experiences. Life with children requires exceptional subtlety from us. And this is a great opportunity to develop your own humanity.
* Carl Rogers (1902-1987) – American psychotherapist, one of the largest representatives of humanistic psychology.
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- Julia Gippenreiter “We continue to communicate with the child. So?” AST, 2008. Avoiding common simplifications, the author shares with readers his experience of building a trusting relationship with a child.