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Although “all families are unhappy in their own way,” different couples often have similar problems in sex. Sex therapists know this like no other. And in most cases they can help clients.
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There are no two couples who would have the same problems, just as there are no two identical people in the world. And yet, the complaints that couples go to therapists with are similar in many ways.
The good news is that most of us can be helped. And if you’ve already given up on your sex life, you might want to read these tips or even go to a therapist on your own.
“My husband and I live without intimacy, like neighbors”
“Many women come for help because romance has disappeared from their relationship with their husbands. Husbands no longer take the initiative in sex, says sex therapist Steven Snyder. “A vicious circle develops: she feels unwanted emotionally and sexually, and he avoids her because he cannot see her in this state.”
Council Stephen Snyder: “Typically, the recommendations are for both partners: she needs to be a little less critical of him, and he needs to understand that it is important for her to feel desired.
Often the problem arises due to the fact that it is difficult for the partner to express any of his comments, and he prefers to remain silent and avoid intimacy. In my office, I try to liberate clients, call them to frankness with each other.
“It’s hard for me to get excited and prolong this state”
“The men who come to me are actually very brave,” says psychologist and sex therapist Megan Flemming. “I can assure you, this is the last resort they resort to. Many are concerned about erection problems. But almost everyone leaves me with a sense of relief. They feel that “there is still gold in their mountains,” as one of my clients said.
Council Megan Flemming: “Almost all the problems that men come with – even if they are of a physiological nature – there is a psychological side. Often they are gnawed by unspoken anxiety about their sexual abilities.
Nothing kills desire like anxiety and the “always be on top” mindset. Fortunately, in most cases, therapy helps to cope with anxiety and focus on pleasure.
“The whole process hurts me”
“Many women experience pain during intercourse; sometimes it’s because of physical and hormonal fluctuations, sometimes it’s because the foreplay was too short and they didn’t have time to become aroused, says sex therapist and family counselor Lisa Paz. “As a result, sex becomes unpleasant, but they tolerate it because they don’t want to upset their partner.”
Council Lisa Paz: “First of all, understand the causes of pain. If it can be handled in my office, we try relaxation techniques. This helps clients relieve stress and stop dwelling on pain.
For many couples who come to me, sex has become something of a heavy duty. Then together we try to rewrite this script.”
“He doesn’t know what I like”
“This is a common complaint, but it is only in my office that partners decide to express it,” says sex therapist Gila Shapiro. — If you think about it, we often discuss which restaurant to go to on the weekend, or share our impressions of a new application, than we talk about really important things. Many people find it strange to simply say, “A little to the left and a little lower,” or to ask, “Do you like it that way?”
Council Jila Shapiro: “We discuss with clients what prevents them from expressing their wishes. Some clients are afraid of being judged or have a low opinion of themselves. I encourage them to talk about what turns them on.
Your partner doesn’t have to know what you like and don’t like. If you want him to know, tell him. During a conversation, look into his eyes, do not argue or make excuses, do not make judgments. If you do not understand something, do not hesitate to ask and clarify.
“He barely touches me”
“The most common complaint among couples who come to my office is a lack of intimacy and no physical contact at all,” says sexologist Patty Britton. As a rule, they have been married for a long time. For years, they haven’t kissed, held hands, or done anything that has to do with romance at all.
The true drama of these stories is that partners usually avoid touching out of fear. They cannot understand themselves and are afraid to hurt another with their doubts, so they try to avoid everything that is connected with sex.
Council Patti Britton: “In my office, partners learn to be lovers again. I insist that they spend time together – just because, and not because there is some reason. I help them sort out endless to-do lists to make time for touching and talking.”