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Regrets about the past, shame, guilt, anxiety for loved ones, fear of the future, impotence… Gloomy thoughts inevitably take possession of us from time to time. But if they start spinning in the head constantly, they risk becoming destructive.
How often a trifle, a trifle, the most insignificant reason can become a “red button”, which triggers in us a reaction of fruitless scrolling of gloomy thoughts in our heads. And breaking out of their vicious circle is not easy even in relatively prosperous times, let alone crisis ones.
“I didn’t find a place for myself for several days after the failure at the conference,” recalls 36-year-old Karina. – I went over in my mind every second: how I suddenly became confused, how unintelligibly mumbled something. They must have laughed at me! Or even worse – sorry! How to live after this? Maybe I should quit? It was impossible to get rid of these thoughts for several days!” Yes, it’s really painful.
Endless self-digging suppresses our energy, deprives us of will, and can – as in the case of Karina – be accompanied by painfully acute experiences. And sometimes – a sticky, viscous feeling of longing, loneliness, insecurity. It can be thoughts about the past, about what has already happened and what cannot be changed, or about the future, which does not bode well. We can direct them at ourselves (“I’m mediocre”, “good for nothing”, “I can’t cope”, “I’ll be lost alone”), at other people (“soulless, deceitful, unfaithful”) and at the whole world in in general (“hostile, alien, indifferent, unfair”).
They deprive us of sleep
The most unpleasant thing is that we feel helpless in front of this mental chaos, it seems to control us, and at these moments we cease to be masters of ourselves. It is especially difficult at night, when painful thoughts deprive us of sleep. Exhausted by insomnia, we become especially vulnerable to them. And in the morning, sometimes we can’t put into words what tormented us.
“Chewing” bad thoughts, leading to insomnia, cannot be stopped by willpower
“At night, the action of the cerebral cortex weakens and activation of subcortical structures occurs, with which negative experiences are physiologically associated,” explains cognitive psychotherapist Yakov Kochetkov. “Therefore, thoughts about the bad come to the fore in the form of unformed, vague images.” Psychoanalyst Catherine Audibert clarifies that the “chewing” of bad thoughts, leading to insomnia, cannot be stopped by an effort of will. It is necessary to establish the reason why there was a need for such a repetition. And find a way to “deactivate” it.
Evgenia, 24, had severe sleep disturbances from the age of 6 to 12. Every night she was tormented by obsessive thoughts. “At night I lay in the dark with my eyes open, afraid to hear what seemed so shameful to me and about which no one could be told.” Her parents tried everything: nightlights, blackout curtains, somnologist consultations – nothing helped. Evgenia recalls how one summer evening she was sitting on the steps of the dacha with her aunt, whom she loved very much.
She stroked my head thoughtfully. I could see that things weren’t going well for her either. And she asked if I could, as an exception, go to bed in her room tonight. “Explain to me, Zhenya, why you never sleep?” And I burst out: “Because I’m afraid to hear what mom and dad are doing.” Her eyes became puzzled, but most importantly, she did not taunt me. On the contrary, she listened to me, took my words with all seriousness and explained that I had not lost my mind at all. This is what saved me. After this conversation, I got rid of insomnia forever.
They take power
“I won’t succeed”, “I won’t be able to stand it”, “He will leave me”, “What will we live on?”… At first glance, this is how we think about the future. However, the problem is that the endless mental scrolling of the same negative scenario has nothing to do with the analysis of the situation and therefore does not help in any way to come to constructive conclusions and move on.
“If we were really designing the future, we would try to determine what options we have, what threats might be and how we could respond to them. That is, they would streamline the chaos reigning in the head, ”notes psychotherapist Elena Perova. And that would be a program of action. But intrusive anxious thoughts take away so much energy that we no longer have the resources to act.
Very often, strict and pessimistic adults raise children who, in turn, become the same.
“These so-called automatic thoughts are one of the mechanisms by which our psyche adapts to new situations,” explains Yakov Kochetkov. “For example, if we get burned, then for some time our brain will repeat the signs of a dangerous object, helping us not to forget about the threat. The same saving role is played by repetitive disturbing thoughts for us in difficult situations or in extreme, dangerous circumstances. But in everyday life, the obsession with thoughts is not justified by anything, and therefore is useless; it only prevents us from thinking and acting.”
They reflect our attitudes
Those who tend to imagine catastrophic plots, as a rule, are acutely aware of their vulnerability, insecurity, loneliness. It seems to such people that everyone has abandoned them and that they live in a hostile world. But, exhausted by anxiety, they do not feel in themselves the forces adequate to what is required of them now.
Why are some more prone to these conditions than others? One answer is that automatic thoughts are a derivative of our basic beliefs and ways of perceiving the world around us. “To a large extent, they depend on the atmosphere in which a person grew up, what rules and attitudes his parents followed,” says Elena Perova. – Very often strict and pessimistic adults raise children, who, in turn, become the same.
This is how anxiety, a tendency to panic, fear of illness or travel are transmitted. In addition, a child who is constantly bullied, ridiculed, and not appreciated tends to very quickly adopt this destructive attitude towards himself, towards others, and towards life in general. Therefore, it is so important to be able to stop this once launched mechanism and restore self-confidence to those who sometimes severely lack it.
To do this, you need to realize your deep installations. It is very difficult to do this, notes Yakov Kochetkov: “For example, we may have an unconscious illusion that in a difficult situation it is necessary to worry, as if with our worries we can influence the outcome of events, control them. Or that, thanks to experiences, we will always be ready, on our guard, the bad will not take us by surprise. At the same time, we ourselves do not notice how useless such installations are.
However, we can learn to “catch” them and tell them “stop!”. Instead of endlessly repeating to yourself: “I will be fired,” it is worth connecting logic (arbitrary thinking): what reason do I have to think so? Will this be the “end of the world” for me? can I make a living in another way?”
They blame us
Often our dark thoughts revolve around our own imperfection. Self-blame, dissatisfaction with oneself is one of the main topics for discussion in the psychotherapist’s office, notes Yakov Kochetkov. Those whose self-esteem is unstable are prone to this, says Elena Perova: “They are ready to attribute any failure to their own account. And they are afraid of failure. For such a person, each of his darings has a cosmic meaning, with each of his actions he seems to ask: am I worthy of existence? And he draws far-reaching conclusions: I didn’t manage to hammer in a nail, which means I’m not good for anything at all.
The habit of self-flagellation does nothing to help you overcome your shortcomings and move forward. “The epic poem about your insignificance actually means:“ If something doesn’t work out, then I’m not responsible for it, it’s not my fault, ”Catherine Audiber reflects. In fact, the one who considers himself insignificant is simply justifying his helplessness. And his complaints obscure the fear of moving. The inner critic suppresses his desires, impulses, slows down his plans. “It is easier for such a person to withdraw into himself than to start changing something in his life,” the psychoanalyst notes.
They appear automatically
However, repetitive thoughts are not only negative, but also positive. For example, lovers can imagine for days on end the image of a loved one, over and over again in their minds all the details of a past or future meeting. But even positive repetitions can spoil our mood, reminds Yakov Kochetkov: “Endless scrolling in thoughts of a future good result sometimes leads to disappointment. We might just burn out.”
Indeed, if you look forward to a magical vacation for months, you may later find that the sea is not as clear, and the views are not as beautiful, and the hotel is not as good as in dreams. So maybe those who expect the worst in advance are more far-sighted – they, at least, do not have to be disappointed? From the point of view of a cognitive psychotherapist, this is the wrong question. The point is different. Automatic thinking, whether positive or negative, is based on emotional experience, not what is actually happening. Therefore, it is very important to be able to consider the problem from two sides, including both emotional and voluntary thinking.
Catherine Audiber agrees that negative thoughts do not deserve an unconditionally negative assessment: “People who are prone to such thoughts are distinguished by a fine mental organization, sensitive to the duality of human nature. There is no need for us to strive to completely get rid of this dark side that lives in us. The negative perceptions we form are still the fruit of some kind of thought, undeniably disturbing, but often insightful: we measure risk, see evil where others blind themselves … and slam into the wall in a big way.
Whose voice is this?
Yet more often than not, the voice of the inner critic prevents us from living more freely and acting more productively. It is impossible to suppress, drown it in oneself, the only way here is to develop awareness, says Elena Perova. “We need to learn to distinguish: whose voice is it, which constantly scolds and criticizes me? Who says to me: “You are stupid, nothing good will come of you”?
Perhaps we will find that it is the voice of one of the parents or our school teacher. You can start a conversation with him, object to him: yes, what happened is bad, but there is also good. Then we “disidentify” with someone else’s opinion, build our own defense and do not allow negative feelings to overwhelm us. This helps build self-esteem, we begin to see our strengths and understand that we can cope with life.
Break free from captivity
Longing, sadness, hopelessness, the meaninglessness of life, abandonment are the favorite motifs of poets. These emotions find expression in music, and in painting, and in performances and films … Suffering, as you know, is perhaps the most fertile ground for the inspiration of an artist, which has given the world many beautiful works. But even those who do not have this magical ability to sublimate their painful experiences into art also find their own, albeit much more prosaic, ways of deliverance.
Prolonged “chewing” the same unpleasant thoughts is fraught with the development of depression.
Antonina, 26, says: “During my student years, I suffered from bouts of blues. Now I’ve learned how to prevent them: as soon as I feel that it’s “rolling”, I go for a run, sometimes even at night.” 36-year-old Stepan in such cases is saved by yoga asanas and meditation. And his age-mate Ulyana, in order to drive away the melancholy, takes on general cleaning or starts sewing a new dress for one of her friends: “When you realize that a person is waiting, like it or not, you have to get together and get to work.”
Why do these simple methods help us to “unload” our brain? “The unfocused mind easily slips into negative thoughts,” explains Elena Perova. – And when we start doing something, we, on the contrary, focus on a specific task. In addition, by doing what we are good at, what we are truly competent at, we regain lost control over our lives and feel more confident.
“Different techniques are effective in different situations,” says Yakov Kochetkov. – It’s one thing if a person is overcome by anxious thoughts about an upcoming business meeting. He should think about whether this anxiety is useful to him, whether it can help him, that is, to reach the level of his convictions. Realizing the meaninglessness of anxiety, it is better to really switch to some business. And if a person is haunted by thoughts about his uselessness, that no one loves him, that’s another story. Then it will be important to analyze the thought itself: why do I think so now? is there someone who loves me? Although in such cases, the support of a psychologist may also be needed. ”
What happens when we do nothing and negative emotions remain blocked in the depths of our “I”? Prolonged “chewing” of the same unpleasant thoughts, or rumination (from the Latin ruminare – “chewing gum”), according to our experts, is fraught with the development of depression. So it is in our interest to spend the energy and time to break out of this gloomy circle.