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Most people know the feeling when, after a short conversation with a person, it seems that we were not up to par and hardly left a good impression of ourselves. More often than not, however, we are wrong about this, says psychologist Art Markman. And his opinion is supported by numerous studies.
Throughout life, we continually meet new people: at school and at work, at parties and other events. We meet someone only once, and someone may not mind continuing to communicate. In order for this to happen, we need to assess how much the interlocutor liked us and whether he has a desire to make friends.
Are we good at recognizing sympathy for ourselves?
Clinical psychologist Art Markman suggests asking this question. He cites research published* in the Psychological Science Association journal in November 2018.
Scientists have conducted a number of experiments with a similar scenario. People who did not know each other had to talk for a short time — from 5 to 45 minutes. Then everyone had to evaluate their sympathy for the interlocutor and guess what feelings he himself aroused in him. The results were very interesting.
On the one hand, almost everyone gave good predictions about whether their interlocutors generally liked them. As a rule, the participants accurately determined what aroused sympathy in the other. On the other hand, it turned out that people systematically underestimate how much they like others. That is, their assessment of the degree of sympathy for themselves on the part of the interlocutor turned out to be rather pessimistic. The researchers called this the “sympathy gap.”
The experiment was supplemented with other data. The researchers tested college students who also rated their liking for classmates and their liking for themselves. During the first two-thirds of the school year, there was a «sympathy gap», but by the end of the year, the grades became more accurate.
Why is this happening?
In one study, conversations were recorded on video, which were later viewed by independent observers. By their behavior during communication, they were able to guess how much the subjects liked their counterparts. That is, theoretically, we can quite accurately understand how much the interlocutor likes us, we just do not use this opportunity.
In another study, scientists learned what subjects thought during a conversation. The number of negative thoughts predicted a “sympathy gap.” We tend to think more often that the conversation is not going very well, and this leads us to believe that we ourselves were not very liked by the interlocutor, although often this is far from the case.
Leave room for doubt
“Even if you think the conversation didn’t go too well, chances are you still made a good impression,” reminds Art Markman. It’s possible that others like you more than you think. And if you are interested in continuing communication, you should let the interlocutor understand this. It may come as a pleasant surprise that he also wants to meet you again.”
It should be noted that the focus of these studies remained the mutual interest of people, but not romantic attraction. So about a person’s ability to predict falling in love based on a brief conversation, these data do not say anything. It seems that this kind of sympathy develops according to its own special laws.
* The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think? Erica J. Boothby, Gus Cooney and others.
About the Expert: Art Markman is a clinical psychologist, professor of cognitive science, and author of books about how we think.