We think we know ourselves well. But our unconscious is a storehouse of mysteries. Often we do not suspect what is hidden in its depths. Why dive there and what discoveries await us? We talk about this with psychoanalyst Andrei Rossokhin.
Psychologies: In your work, you encounter what the patients hide. But why do we need secrets at all?
Andrey Rossokhin: Secrets create boundaries, helping us separate from others and become «I». Boundaries are necessary for the development of the psyche: without them, we would all be clones. For the infant, the secret is the fact that he is separated from his mother, does not belong to her, and does not continue her. Gradually, the child understands that the mother is a different being and that he, too, has the right to be separate.
Over time, faced with painful assessments of others, especially parents, we begin to consciously cultivate our isolation. We learn to hide desires, feelings, thoughts, sexual fantasies out of fear that they will be destroyed, devalued. This is how we create a boundary between ourselves and others, this allows us to preserve our “I”, without fully adapting to the requirements of others.
Not all parents can easily come to terms with the fact that their child is hiding something …
Parents’ attempts to build «friendly» relationships with their children so that they tell them everything speaks of a desire for control. The requirement of complete openness is a ban on their separation and independent development.
In order to preserve its separateness, the child psychically hides from his parents, shutting himself up in secret fantasies and exposing the “false” “I” approved by the parent. If he does not protect his true “I” from others in any way and exists in symbiosis with his mother or father, then he does not develop internally as a separate being.
We have the right to any fantasies — provided that they contribute to the enjoyment of both partners
When does the separation of the child from the parents begin?
From the moment of cutting the umbilical cord, the child is physically separated from the mother, but then she again captures the child, already mentally. This is due to evolution, so that the mother can feel the needs of the child as her own and satisfy them. In order for the mother not to swallow the child without a trace, the intervention of the father is necessary.
Parents retire to the bedroom and close the door. The child runs to them — he is patiently taken out and put to sleep separately. This is a colossal trauma: the child is frightened and anxious, he cries, does not understand why he was isolated. This is how a collision with the first mystery occurs, which Freud designated by the term «first scene».
Not understanding why he should not enter the room, and not receiving a clear answer from his parents — it is really impossible to explain — the child, in order to calm down, penetrates into this room with infantile fantasies about what is so important going on between father and mother for closed doors. The secret hurts the child, but thanks to this frustration, his inner world begins to develop rapidly.
The story of the door to the parent’s room is reminiscent of a fairy tale story: the hero is forbidden to open a certain secret door, he breaks the ban and finds himself facing an even more difficult test. What is this plot about?
I think it illustrates the protective mechanism of sublimation, which allows us to melt our childish curiosity into scientific and creative pursuits. We are all explorers to some extent and break into closed rooms to discover something unknown. But what happens next? We are faced with new, even more complex and large-scale tasks. In exact accordance with Albert Einstein’s observation: «The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.»
In a couple, the secret is designed to protect our vulnerabilities and those sides that we don’t want to show our partner. Are closed doors useful here?
You will be surprised, but more often we hide not the shady, but the sunny sides — our pleasures, for example. We are afraid to tell our partner that we are happy, that we feel good. Many men and women do their best to hide the pleasure of orgasm. The reasons are different. Someone is afraid to jinx it, destroy the fragile balance, and it seems to someone that the partner will be frightened or take advantage of this frank confession and absorb him, make him addicted, and begin to manipulate. Such closeness is detrimental to relationships.
Suppose that the partner is not as dangerous as we think, based on past experience, then it turns out that we are depriving ourselves of the full pleasure that we would experience if we opened up and shared feelings with him. Hiding the aggressive sides is also ineffective, because they are called upon to defend, to defend rights and borders at the right time. But on the other hand, hiding something, we can feel special, exceptional, different from others.
Do we have the right to sexual fantasies that we are not ready to share with a partner, or is it dangerous?
We have the right to any fantasies — provided that they contribute to the enjoyment of both partners. But sometimes it is a way to get a perverse satisfaction by destroying the other as a separate person, reducing him to the object of his own pleasure.
If the «forbidden» fantasies help two, then they, on the contrary, discharge fears, tension, desire for betrayal. And whether to tell your partner about your secret fantasies is a question! This can both harm relationships and develop them.
We have many, often well-founded, fears of opening up, such as waiting for an evaluation, the mildest of which is: “I didn’t know you were so concerned.” You need to have a good understanding of yourself, your partner, and the emerging balance of trust-distrust in a couple in order to share sexual secrets. It is not easy, but without it there will be no development of close relationships.
With each new discovery, we understand that there are only more secrets.
You, as a psychoanalyst, accompany the patient on his journey into himself. Doesn’t that violate his boundaries?
Psychoanalysis is the discovery of the secrets of the inner world of a person, performed by him in the presence of the Other, the analyst. But it is a delusion to think that the psychoanalyst helps the patient to reveal all his secrets. Our psyche is an infinite universe. Having known its part, one can only better realize its fundamental infinity and unknowability.
A simple example: dreams. Every night we see a lot of dreams, remember only a few and at least somehow analytically rethink only a very small part of them. Everything else is still an absolute mystery to us. And so it will always be.
The patient reveals and shares some of the secrets with the analyst in order to feel even better the incomprehensibility of his inner world, his unconscious, and at the same time the immensity of his human potential. And then he will continue to explore them and never figure it out to the end. It won’t even come close. Because with each discovery, we understand that there are only more secrets.
In the analysis, you can show the patient: this is quite possible to share with loved ones, and it is safe for you …
No, no, a psychoanalyst never does that! Everyone should decide for himself: what he can share, how and when. But the effect of good psychotherapeutic and analytical work is such that the patient becomes more aware and stronger and, as a result, more open. Why is this happening?
Exploring the inner world in its infinity, we gradually understand: those secrets that we had and which we identified with ourselves, in fact, are not all of us, but only a tiny part of us. As a result, we are easier and more willing to share secrets with others, not afraid of losing ourselves, we communicate more boldly with the outside world, deepen and strengthen our relationships with others. Parting with some secrets, we acquire more and more new ones — this is the vector of our internal movement.