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What is children’s happiness based on? We decided to learn about this first hand, from happy people – actress Natalya Arinbasarova and her famous children Ekaterina Dvigubskaya and Yegor Konchalovsky. A frank conversation on a topic that united the three.
For the sake of severity
Catherine: Выдам тайну: мама у нас ужасно строгая. В детстве ей достаточно было лишь посмотреть на Егора или на меня, чтобы мы впали в ступор – абсолютный и благоговейный.
Natalia: I had a very menacing look!
Catherine: Mom could give a good slap, but that was not the rule.
Natalia: Once I punished 5-year-old Katya for pushing a boy into the pool of our boarding house in Pitsunda. His dad screamed that my daughter was poorly brought up. In general, I closed Katya in a room on the seventh floor. And in the boarding house every evening there was a holiday – they danced, played, met … And it turned out that by punishing Katya, I punished myself. She stood on the balcony, and I felt sorry for her immensely, and all evening I went downstairs and looked: how she was there …
Catherine: And yet now I think that children should be brought up in severity, if, of course, there is love in the family. She was in our family. We never doubted that Mom loved us … Mom worked a lot, but she did our homework, cooked and cleaned, slept for five hours so that we would be wonderful fat children.
Vitamin of love
Catherine: When I was little, my mother used to draw cardboard dolls of marvelous beauty for me. And then she cut them out. I loved to sit next to her when we had guests. And my mother, conducting small talk, painted for me: dolls, shoes for them, dresses, beds …
Natalia: Egor, unlike Katya, did not have to draw. He himself often and for a long time drew and made. Once at the dacha, he led a light into a closet, made a copy of an old chandelier from a tin can and painted it with bronze paint. It turned out so beautifully that his friend asked for this chandelier from him. Egor knew how to do everything himself. I still cherish the kitchen cutting boards he gave me with burnt-out inscriptions “Mame”. My children were amazingly caring. When I went to the hospital before the birth of Katenka, Egor packed a bag for me. He put sugar, sweets and even a Swiss knife, once presented to him, there. Katya took care of me in her own way: when my back hurt, she sat on top of me and kneaded my back with her small but very strong hands. Katya often brought something tasty in her pocket: sticky, melted, crumpled. Proudly got out: “Mommy, this is for you!”
Catherine: As a child, I loved my mother with the hysterical love of Dostoevsky. It was very hard to let her go. I sobbed: it seemed to me that some part of me was being torn off. We always had a tender relationship, for a very long time I came to my mother in bed in the morning – to soak up.
“WE WERE NORMAL, HAPPY CHILDREN – IMPRESENT, NAUGHTY, DOING FOOL… THIS CHILDREN’S FEELING I CARE AND NOW.”
Natalia: Egor once said: “Mommy, sometimes you want to throw something away. But when I think that you are sitting alone in the kitchen, upset, all desire disappears. He was passionate about his life, childish interests, but every time I left for a long time, he had a fever. I was very worried. Our nanny said: “This is on his nerves! When you leave, there will be no temperature!”
Egor: Our love with Katya was, of course, the answer to my mother. This main vitamin – the vitamin of love – we received from her constantly. Mom still worries when I go outside without a hat. Somehow, real bandits ran into me – they came with weapons to deal with. I had to go with them to the “strelka”. And before that, I went to my mother to eat, and when I left, she shouted to me from the balcony: “Egor, put on your hat!” And then I thought: “I wonder if in half an hour I will have something to wear a hat on …”
Catherine: And you didn’t even hint to your mom where you were going?
Egor: Of course, I didn’t say anything to her: she simply wouldn’t let me in. And how would I explain then to the bandits: “Sorry, I didn’t come to the Strelka because my mother didn’t let me!” But my mother did not take care of us at all: Katya and I were often left alone, and my mother left for the shooting.
And if the family is incomplete?
An incomplete family does not mean a defective childhood. The problem is not that the child is left without one of the parents, it is important at what age the separation occurs or a new spouse appears. There are two critical periods: 4-5 and 11-12 years. It is at this time that the “breakdown” of relationships with an adult is especially sensitive for a child. If changes in the family nevertheless occurred at a “dangerous” age, try at least to make your relationship with your child as trusting as possible. Do everything so that he can openly express his feelings.
Margarita Zhamkochyan, psychologist
Breakup Rules
Egor: The family, of course, is built on love. But too much love does not make children happy. Love should be reasonable, moderately strict, it should have a goal – to teach the child to live independently. It is necessary to part with the children in time and gradually move away from them ourselves. In my opinion, parental wisdom lies in letting go of children in time. In this sense, we were lucky – everything was done correctly. We quickly became independent. For example, from the age of 17 I spent a lot of time away from home. After the army began to live separately. Then he went to study in England. There I managed to break away from family addiction: I studied on an equal basis with others, and my diploma is the fruit of my labors.
Catherine: I also became independent early on. She studied at the boarding school for two years, where she stayed for a full week. And having entered the institute, she began to live her own, completely autonomous life.
Egor: We have begun to take responsibility for our own actions. It probably happened to me before graduation. Since then, I listen to the opinion of my parents, but I always make the decision myself.
Natalia: I remember well: Egor was 17 years old, and I began to scold him for something. And he suddenly answered: “Mom, now I’m an adult, and you can’t order me – only advise.” And I said, “Well, this is your life. Since you are already an adult, it means that you yourself are responsible for it!
Egor: It is important to allow the child to make decisions and be responsible for them. This does not mean that we are burning bridges: here is a knapsack for the road – and live your life. It’s about how much influence children make.
Catherine: Fortunately, our parents never pressured us. When I decided to enter acting, my mother did not approve of this choice: the face is non-standard – not Russian, not oriental. And the situation in the cinema at that moment was terrible. Nevertheless, my mother made my decision … Later, at VGIK, I realized that I wanted to become a director. Mom thought that my head was not quite right: she wanted a second profession, not realizing herself in the first. But I entered the Higher Directing Courses and now I am doing what interests me. Whatever it is, a person must go his own way, make his own mistakes. And our parents gave us this opportunity.
Feeling of happiness
Catherine: The family was not simple: Yegor and I have different fathers, and I was generally raised by my mother’s third husband, Eldor Urazbaev. But the relationship was wonderful, and our childhood is happy – with its fears, joys and tears. Of course, there were problems too, but none turned into a disaster. We were normal, happy children – impudent, naughty, doing stupid things … I cherish this childish feeling even now.
Natalia: We had a busy life. Katya’s dad – Kolya Dvigubsky – paid a lot of attention to Yegor: he read, talked about the Middle Ages as if he participated in all the campaigns of the Knights of the Round Table. He took Yegor to exhibitions, to museums. In the summer we went to Pitsunda, in the winter – to the creative house “Bolshevo”. Be sure to go to the zoo in May days. We went to visit together. Katya and Yegor did not feel that they had an incomplete family. Yegor said: “What a rich man I am! I have three grandmothers, three grandfathers, two fathers and a mother!” They knew that there were people around who loved them.
The power of mind
Catherine: You can not foresee life in advance. Unless the parental mind can help …
Natalia: I don’t know, is it? Egor had problems at school, but he solved them himself. Since childhood, he had an inner core.
Egor: How to save it, not to break this foundation of the child’s personality – I think this is the main problem of education.
Natalia: How many cases I know of when parents pressed their children, nothing good came of it. Growing up “under pressure”, they became shackled, squeezed people. And, as a rule, moved away from their parents. And they weren’t happy either. You cannot impose your will. You have to explain love. I tried to do it. Or maybe I’m just lucky that my children are so intelligent …
Step siblings
Be honest with them. Don’t convince yourself that you love them equally. Don’t force them to love you and each other. Free the children from this need, and they will be free to love. Parents often make the mistake of trying to equalize the rights of their children – their own and those adopted. Instead of emphasizing illusory equality, emphasize the differences and merits of each. The more children know about how they are different, the better their relationship will be.
Margarita Zhamkochyan, psychologist