The enemy must know in person!
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Psychological manipulation, manipulation is a psychological influence that causes a given response in a person against his will. Manipulation bypasses conscious control and acts on us from the inside, as if it were our desire or decision.
People manipulate not always, but often and much more often than they themselves notice it. Many people are convinced that they are not manipulating, just because they are inattentive and not used to paying attention to the little things in their behavior and communication.
For example, there is a serious discussion going on, and your opponent did not answer your objection, but clung to the little things, joked or commented ironically, switching his attention to something else. You do not want to be a bore, so you will no longer insist on your objection. You saw your opponent’s manipulation, you noticed it — but are you sure that your opponent noticed it? Most likely not: he didn’t notice, and didn’t want to notice …
Hidden influences on each other are the reality of human relationships. Sometimes people are simply inattentive, they don’t hear what and how they say themselves, sometimes they don’t honestly understand that their actions are manipulations, and sometimes they don’t want to admit (even to themselves, especially to others) that they are now tricked and manipulated.
In a video clip from the film «Chocolate», Comte de Renaud uses the following manipulative techniques: creating a sense of guilt that makes the pastor obedient; he himself created an atmosphere of threat and himself saved the young pastor from it, making the pastor more accommodating; he formulated the most important thing at the end of the conversation, when the pastor had already practically relaxed; launched a series of indirect suggestions and formulated what he needed as their common task. It is visible from the side. But will the count agree with these accusations? “Most likely, he will object.
«You are manipulating!» — it sounds like an accusation, people don’t like such accusations, and people object to this: “No, I didn’t manipulate!”. Where is the truth here? It is best not to look for the truth here at all, because usually it is impossible to prove anything, and there is practically no benefit from this. However, if you want to deal with yourself first of all, then it’s worth thinking about here. So the traditional objections are:
“I didn’t manipulate. I was sincere!
One does not exclude the other. If you look, for example, at children, you will see that at least very many children manage to play a variety of roles SIMULTANEOUSLY, to change themselves from the situation in such a way that it is difficult to call it other than “identity substitution”, with the help of this behavior in a terrible way, sometimes it’s enough to goo, manipulate adults and still be completely authentic and sincere. Sincerity does not exclude manipulation at all, but, as a rule, only strengthens it.
«I wasn’t manipulating, I was just joking!» (option: «I just disagree, I just expressed my opinion, I’m just outraged» — etc).
Again, one does not exclude the other. If, for example, an indignant person does not understand well what he is doing, this does not change the essence of the matter: a drunk person also does not understand what he is doing, but for the court his alcohol intoxication is not an excuse, but an additional aggravating circumstance. You stop thinking when you are indignant, and you yourself don’t remember later what you said (said), then don’t be indignant.
“I did not manipulate, because there was no damage to the partner!”
Perhaps, but the generally accepted definition of manipulation does not say anything about harming a partner. Manipulations can be both good and holy, but this does not stop being manipulations.
“I did not manipulate, I honestly and openly declared my intentions!”
People often do several things at the same time: they try to understand and object at the same time, get to know each other and seduce at the same time, forgive and blame at the same time… does not notice it.
“I didn’t manipulate, because I didn’t have such a goal and such an intention, by God!”
Possibly, but it’s not yet an indicator. A person does a lot of things unconsciously, and what is obvious from the outside, the person himself may not notice in his behavior. In these cases, it is almost impossible to prove anything from the outside, the person himself, if desired, can figure it out. Think more often about how your communication looks from the outside, often ask yourself the question: “Was everything fair?”
We offer you a simple test: answer the questions whether this or that influence is manipulation. Be prepared that all questions are not easy. For example, the appeal “I have a request for you: please make me some strong tea!” — this treatment with explicitly formulated intentions is not manipulation. However, be careful: a tired look or a warm sincere smile that accompanies these appeals may well be already a manipulation — that is, a hidden psychological influence that prompts a person to tear his butt from the chair and bring you tea.
So, is manipulation:
- A sincere, warm smile when communicating with a person, which caused him to smile back even against his will.
- A sincere, warm smile on the poor beggar when he stretches his unfortunate palm towards you.
- An appeal to the interests of the interlocutor, and not to one’s own, in order to influence more effectively.
- An appeal to the sexual needs of a person, especially if this person REALLY wants to.
- Pretty women wearing provocative tights and using scents to attract men is natural.
- The Socratic method: asking a chain of questions that set up the interlocutor for a positive answer (you need).
- Powerful behavior that leaves no doubt that you need to obey.
- A confident look and a calm, sincere voice that gives rise to confidence in your words.
To help you define the concept: “Manipulation is a hidden psychological influence that prompts a person to change his attitude towards something, make a decision or do something in the direction necessary for the author of the manipulation.” Correct at the end of the article.
Bottom line: we all covertly influence each other much more often than we ourselves think about it, but this is not always a bad thing. It is bad when we do not notice this and spoil the life of ourselves and others. Let’s be more careful!
An honest person is not one who never acts covertly, never manipulates. Your openness is not always and not everyone needs it, it’s just not always appropriate, after all, people sometimes like surprises. Honesty in another — in readiness for openness. An honest person is one who is ready, if necessary, to openly declare his intentions and continue to do what he is doing — openly. Maybe no one needed openness and no one asked her, but they asked — and the person easily and with pleasure explained his actions. “I wanted to thank you, this is my gift to you!”
I want to smile at you, I want to tell you how the best you are in the world, I want to please you with flowers! And I will do all this so that you are the happiest woman in the world and that you love me!
If this person does not lie to himself, then there is no manipulation here, this is no longer manipulation, but open psychological influence. The open use of power, the power of love. And in this case, this is probably a joy for two.
If strictly and formally guided by the scientific definition of manipulation, then all questions will be answered in the affirmative: most likely, all this is manipulation. Provided, of course, that these were not mindless mechanical rituals, but behind all these actions there were intentions, albeit not quite conscious. If the author of the actions wanted the consequences that were indicated.