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We can constantly quarrel with a partner, suffer from his overprotectiveness and break into passive aggression … But at the same time enjoy sex with him. Does this mean that the relationship is not so bad after all? The doctor-sexologist explains.
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Alexandra, 30 years old
“My boyfriend initiates fights from time to time. He masterfully finds something to complain about: either the plate is poorly washed, or I didn’t pay for the phone on time. And sometimes it hints at the most painful thing – after the coronavirus infection, my hair falls out. I’m very offended, we don’t talk for a while.
And then he comes to put up and turns into a “gentle cat”: hugs, kisses, asks for forgiveness. Intimacy at such moments always ends with an orgasm and is remembered for a long time. And after a while everything repeats itself – claims, scandal, great sex.
Expert Commentary
In such situations, sex is experienced more acutely, since a quarrel is a mini-parting. Our psyche perceives it as a possible loss of a partner, his inaccessibility. Why do we have erotic experiences after a quarrel? The fact is that it is the distance in a relationship, understatement, uncertainty that creates tension in a couple’s relationship, which includes libido.
Denis, 28 years
“We have been meeting with Anastasia for quite a long time, about two years. But these meetings are always spontaneous, I don’t know in advance when she will agree to continue the evening alone. Anything can be the reason for the refusal – there is no mood, I looked at her friend the wrong way, I booked tickets in the cinema hall on the wrong row.
I feel rejected and unnecessary at such moments, I begin to doubt the sincerity of her feelings for me. But when sex happens, it is simply enchanting. I have never met a more sensual and beautiful girl.”
Expert Commentary
The victim of manipulation finds himself in a situation that he cannot control. On the one hand, sexual frustration heats up the libido. On the other hand, unexpected sex is perceived as a reward for waiting.
Do you have dependent relationships?
Let’s see if there are signs of addiction in your relationship. Pay closer attention to them if one or more of the items on the list resonate with you.
1. Subordination and management
One partner suppresses, the other submits. At the same time, partners can either strictly distribute roles among themselves – when one is always an abuser and the other is a victim, or change them – today one partner dominates, and tomorrow another.
2. Trespassing
Since healthy boundaries are one of the signs of a harmonious relationship, their weakness or absence can be considered a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. As well as the fact that the partner does not see or ignores the boundaries of the other.
3. Child-parent relationship
Such relationships lead to psycho-emotional “gluing” and the formation of a vacuum in the space of the couple where there should be air. Such “gluing” is aggravated over time and in the near future begins to resemble the plot of the movie “Something” – where an alien creature absorbed a person and mimicked him.
4. High degree of aggression
Since emotional dependence is a psychologically heavy burden for each of the partners, there is a lot of passive and active aggression in such relationships.
How does relationship addiction affect sex?
Each of the manifestations that we have named is reflected in all spheres of our life. Including intimacy.
For example, the child-parent relationships of partners – “you are my baby”, “mother’s sun”, “my doll” – allow one of the partners to receive a resource parent – a support that will cover all internal needs.
Since he no longer has to worry about his safety, a lot of energy associated with libido is released from him. And the “child” partner directs her into a sexual channel. At the same time, if the couple’s relationship remains child-parent, then sex from them gradually disappears.
Our aggression is reflected in the same way. In “everyday life” one of the partners can shout, dictate conditions and insist on the fidelity of only his opinion. And in sex, express your anger through the fantasy of punishing the “tyrant” for his excessive dictatorship. And although a relationship with a dictator can be painful, sex with him will bring pleasure to his victim.
Sexologist Elena Malakhova is sure that the signs of a destructive relationship cannot be ignored. Good sex is not a reason to wait until your partner’s aggression becomes excessive and he sweeps away your boundaries.
About expert
Elena Malakhova – Sexologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, full member of the Professional Association of Sexologists, lecturer at the International Academy of Sexology, author of the books “The Right to Sex”, “Psychoanalysis of Sexual Fantasies”. Her .