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The craving of a man for computer games deprived him of his job and took away everything from this family. The psychiatrist told in what cases a hobby becomes a dangerous addiction and what to do about it.
“Now, dear, I’ll make one skating rink with the guys and come,” your husband tells you and … hangs on the computer until 6 in the morning. Those who believe that the main thing is that he does not walk and does not cheat, probably never fell asleep to the blinking monitor screen and the cries of “Beat them, beat them.”
It is easy to notice such a male passion even before creating a family and make a choice for yourself — are you ready to live with it. But sometimes the screen freeze can progress. For example, our heroine Evgenia was not against her husband’s hobbies, but then he began to play all night long and left work.
The situation is complicated by the fact that Zhenya and her husband have two small children. She is his story especially for our colleagues, and the expert explained how to determine when a man’s fun turns into an addiction, and whether something can be done about it.
“Dad is an ideal, and he has an interesting life”
Evgeniya:
“We have been married for almost 10 years, four of them the situation with computer games is acute. Husband plays online. He has several games, teams are everywhere, often consisting of only younger schoolchildren (he is 39 years old).
When we started living together, Dima also played. He spent three evenings a week at the computer, the rest of the time everything was fine with us. Then he and his partner opened a small business, the games were somehow forgotten, then we got married. But it bothered me from the very beginning. For example, he did not listen to what he was told when he played. I could not eat, then quickly bite off a piece of sausage, throw food on the table and again at the computer. I could refuse some kind of activity, an invitation, because I agreed to an online match.
Four years ago, the situation began to worsen. He stopped going to bed with his family and started staying up late into the night every day. He slept until dinner, then ran on business, did not have time for anything, was irritable. Over time, this began to be reflected in the work. A partner (this is a family friend) tried several times to talk to him, but two years later he took out a loan and bought a share from us above the market price. It was good money, but we ate it up over the next two years. There was a lot of talk that this was a good deal, although in fact the husband simply lost his job.
I was on maternity leave, first with one, then with the second child. He loves children, but spends time with them only at my request. Now I have gone to work. The younger child is sitting with my mother, the older one is in the garden. The money from the sale of the business has run out, you have to live somehow. He denies financial difficulties, says that I’m making it up. There is a feeling that he can no longer soberly assess the situation.
Gradually, the husband began to look like a drunkard: thin, green complexion, absent look. Plays every night until 4-6 am. I tried to earn some money there, but it was all trifles.
We have not slept together for four years, no sex since the birth of the last child. At the same time, in words, he says that he loves, understands everything and will fix it. But he doesn’t want to go to work — they offer too little money, he will have to get up too early … And all the time some ideas: “We’ll open a business, we’ll go on vacation, we’ll give birth to a third.” But, considering that he sleeps until 16:00, and for many people the working day ends at 18:00, he does not have time to do elementary things. Change rights, pay rent and so on.
I don’t want to get divorced and consider him my family, but I don’t know what to do. I tried to seek advice (to a doctor) — everyone says, they say, bring your spouse. But he doesn’t want to go. The eldest child wants to play computer games with dad all the time, he thinks that dad is an ideal, he has a great life. He does not want to go for a walk, go to sports, he wants to sit with his dad at the computer, and dad encourages all this. Teaches to play. I think that this is degradation, and I do not understand how to be.
What to do with a gambling husband?
Psychiatrist, psychotherapist Liliya Usmanova explains that a woman who lives next to a man suffering from gambling addiction becomes co-dependent herself. The peculiarity of such people is that they begin to live the life of addicts, immerse themselves in their problems, neglecting their lives. This behavior of the wife supports the dependence of the husband.
“Dependence is formed in a man who is predisposed to this and who falls into certain predisposing conditions. These conditions can be created by a woman. There is an illustrative example from practice: a woman was married three times. The first husband was an alcoholic. The second and third husbands were not originally alcoholics, but they became alcoholics in their relationship with this woman. Of course, in this story, the woman did not make alcoholics out of healthy men, but she somehow unconsciously chose just such men — those with a predisposition to addiction — and created certain conditions for the development of this addiction, ”says the doctor.
According to her, addiction is a family disease. A woman, children, parents are involved in the problem of a man. A system is created, the elements of which mutually influence each other. And a change in one element entails a change in another.
How to understand that a computer addiction already exists?
“There is an irresistible desire to play computer games, the addict cannot control his gaming behavior — he spends hours, days in the game,” explains Lilia Usmanova. — When taking away a computer and gaming gadgets, he experiences irritability, depression, a strong attraction to games. At first he played 3 hours a day, and today he needs more hours to get positive emotions — 6, 10. The addict continues to play, despite the negative consequences of his gambling behavior. There are student debts, problems at work, personal relationships, but the addict cannot stop playing.”
Lilia Usmanova does not recommend «saving» her husband. According to the doctor, it is worth starting salvation with yourself.
“Such women should help their men from their adult part — not take full responsibility for the recovery of their loved one. It is in your power to point out the problems that you see from the outside, to find and recommend a doctor. Also useful behavior on your part are the steps to get out of codependency. For example, focus on yourself, your interests and hobbies, think about what you like and dislike, what you want, ”advises the doctor.
She emphasizes that it is important not to act with empty threats, the behavior must be consistent, the threats must be real. If a woman throws phrases like “I’m leaving you if you don’t stop playing,” and then doesn’t leave, then with her behavior she supports the man’s addiction.
Prepared by: Maria Mironova