“We couldn’t tell the eldest son that his brother had cancer”

If a mother or father ends up with a sick child in a hospital in another city and falls out of life for many months, other children in the family find themselves in a difficult situation. Often, elders try to protect them from the frightening truth. But in fact, it is very important to immediately talk about the disease and not be afraid to explain the seriousness of the situation.

Evgenia Terekhova shared her story. She spoke about her youngest son Lesha, who suffered from leukemia and was a ward of the Podari Zhizn Foundation. And the elder Dima, from whom his parents hid for a long time what his brother was sick with.

How Lesha got sick

In the fall of 2016, my youngest son Lesha fell ill, when he was only three years old. It started with the flu, it was impossible to bring down the temperature, Lesha was getting worse. I decided to take him to the hospital, but I didn’t even think about something serious, and I knew almost nothing about cancer. And in the hospital, the doctor shocked: Lesha has a suspicion of leukemia, and he is already in intensive care in a serious condition.

Lesha spent three days there, it was impossible to go to him, and all this time I lay at home in obscurity. Shocked and on medication. I remember little from that period, I remember how I could not sleep at night: in the hospital they later said that Lesha often woke up at night and called for his mother.

My eldest son was at home, but these three days he did not come to me or he was not allowed. Over time, I realized that this was a big mistake.

Dima was waiting at home

Dima at that time was 12 years old. We are used to always being there. Dad worked, so I had a school, lessons, a football section. But Lesha fell ill, and I withdrew into myself, removed Dima, wanted to protect him from bad news, but made it worse.

I don’t even know how the eldest son was informed that Lesha was sick. When he was in intensive care, Dima was deceived. He couldn’t understand what was happening. It seems that my brother fell ill with a simple flu, why then resuscitation.

We need to tell the kids right away how serious it is. They hear when adults are discussing something, and they understand everything. But they have their own tangle of thoughts in their heads, and it can upset, cause great resentment or even aggression.

Dima saw Lesha during treatment

After resuscitation, Lesha and I were immediately transferred for treatment to the Balashikha Oncology Center. He stopped talking and for the next two weeks answered in monosyllables. And then, on the background of chemotherapy and hormones, he stopped walking.

When we were allowed to go home, he still did not go. I came with Lesha in my arms, everything was fine until Dima saw that Lesha could not walk. He said: “Lesha, come with me.” And Lyosha could not even stand on his feet.

Dima looked at this with eyes full of horror, grandparents were crying, I asked everyone to pull themselves together. Dima didn’t understand why his brother couldn’t walk. After all, he really didn’t know anything. While we were in the hospital, my grandmother could not talk to him – he did not want to, he argued with everyone. He kept trying to come to our hospital, but they wouldn’t let him in – it was impossible.

The moment came when I decided to tell everything as it is, to explain what kind of illness Lesha had, that it could be fatal. He could not accept this, because he had been thinking about the flu for so long. And it seems to me that after a while he did not accept this.

Lesha at home

At home, Lesha began to walk again, spoke more. Everything was slowly getting better, at some point the hospital treatment ended, we just regularly came to the hospital for outpatient treatment and control, but lived at home.

Dima had an internal struggle with himself. He tried to help me with Lesha, he learned the entire schedule for taking medications, but it was difficult for him. It was necessary to explain why Lesha needed more attention, why he had more gifts.

Dima was jealous, was offended by the whole family. He seemed to say: “I’m healthy, but I also want your love and affection.” And I constantly reminded him: “You are both my children and I love you equally, it’s just that Lesha has a terrible illness, and I don’t know what will happen to him tomorrow, I’m very afraid for him.”

It was hard to leave Lesha, I was worried for any reason, but I tried to escape from the house and went to watch Dima’s football training. I wanted to show that he is important to me too.

He never realized the whole tragedy, but his attitude changed when, due to so many courses of chemotherapy, Lesha suddenly had an epileptic attack and he again ended up in intensive care. My dad and grandparents were in the hospital, but Dima stayed at home with his great-grandmother. He said that he did not believe in God, but at that moment he was praying for Lesha. And Lyosha, having come to his senses, said that he heard Dima calling him.

Dima came to the intensive care unit on a bicycle, stood under the windows. He suffered so much and cried a lot.

“Both global research and our practical experience show that the impact that a child’s illness has on his siblings should not be underestimated. To cope with it, you need the support of family, relatives, professionals.

This is one of the reasons why the foundation’s rehabilitation project specializes in family programs. It was important for us to involve the whole family in the process: dad, mom, siblings, and not just a sick child.

The program is organized in such a way that everyone has enough attention and support from volunteers and staff. This helps to shift the focus: instead of putting the sick child in the spotlight, we show the participants that the wishes and interests of all family members are important.

Of course, everyone solves his own problem: sometimes it is important for a sibling to confirm his importance for parents, sometimes it is important to feel like a child again, removing the burden of adult obligations to serve a younger brother or sister.

Some people want to regain their confidence. It is enough for someone to get to know other guys and understand that he is not alone, that others also experience similar difficulties. We try to help them with this,” explains Elena Rachkova, head of volunteer and rehabilitation programs at the Podari Zhizn foundation.

Text: Sofia Strinkevich