Fear can become a fulcrum and even a powerful force that helps us move forward. But how exactly? Our journalist spoke about her own fears to the philosopher Charles Pepin and the psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochyan. One story from two positions.
Elena Shevchenko, Psychology: Let’s talk about what I personally fear. I hope you can help me understand my fears and overcome them. Here, for a start, is my quite natural anxiety: I would not like to be left without a job or to survive by odd jobs …
Charles Pepin: Like anyone, you may lose your permanent job and your income may decrease. But most of us are not in danger of being on the street. In fact, we are willing to cocoon our “fear of being on the street” with our deeper fears, related, for example, to the meaning of our life, and not just financial or social solvency.
Margarita Zhamkochyan: Let’s start with the fact that fear itself means that we are in a zone of failure, inefficiency. It limits our options. Therefore, if a person is afraid of heights, mountains are closed for him, and the fear of losing a job (as in your case, Elena) closes your own desires and ambitions from you. This self-restraint is connected either with the unwillingness to fall out of the social cell, to be a “unit”, an individual who chooses her own path, or with the fear of losing control over the situation.
Can I turn this fear into a driving force?
Sh.P .: Not everything can be turned to your advantage. It may seem paradoxical, but in order to overcome our fears, I think we should first recognize that they weaken us, make us vulnerable. Don’t try to deal with them in a hurry.
M. Zh .: Turning fear into a driving force is not an easy job. The first step is to take the fear out and look at it, to make the invisible visible. And it is better that this happens in a relatively safe environment, which psychotherapists help create. The removal of fear causes an amazing effect — the possibilities of the individual increase in all spheres of her activity, there is a feeling of the infinity of one’s own strength — «I can do anything.»
Sh.P .: It all comes down to going to meet what is hidden inside us, more precisely, with our desires. Jacques Lacan said: «The goal of psychoanalysis is to find a way to be true to your desires.» Some philosophers, such as Nietzsche, have also put forward this claim of fidelity to oneself. So perhaps when we are paralyzed by fear, it would be helpful to try to understand what that fear says about ourselves.
But some fears exist objectively and are inherent in almost everyone: for example, I am worried about the future of my children…
Sh.P .: I want to tell you right away that this is a “good” fear. It seems to me more justified and healthier than the fear of being left without funds. Probably because this feeling is associated with altruism, and the fear of poverty closes a person in on himself …
Can you encourage me as a philosopher?
Sh.P .: This altruistic fear is also called «moral consciousness» or «historical responsibility.» It is in him, according to Kant, that the greatness of man lies. I would advise you to love this fear first, as it uplifts you. And then work on… to become a good dead man! After all, each of us knows: “I will die before my children, I am responsible for the fact that they were born. So I need to try not to burden them too much after my death.”
I.e?
Sh.P .: Sh.P .: Being a good dead person means not spoiling the lives of those who remain alive, and helping them if necessary. Some philosophies, such as Kant’s, would invite us to ask the question: «What should I have time to say? What family secret will I have to reveal before I die?” There are things that need to be uncovered in order to finally get rid of them. You also need to pass on values to the next generations: honesty with yourself, freedom … If you work in this direction, you will see that your fear will dissipate.
It turns out that passing something as a legacy to your children is a way to gain immortality and, therefore, be less afraid?
Sh.P .: I would rather talk about eternity, and not about immortality. Immortality is life that never ends. And eternity peeps through in a beautiful moment or in the value that we stand for and want to convey … Yes, in order to overcome our fear of letting go of those we love, we will try in our relations with children to work on what belongs to eternity.
And what do you say about my fear, Margarita Stepanovna?
«OUR ETERNITY IS IN THE VALUES THAT WE DEFEND.»
M. Zh .: I would suggest that you think about what exactly you are afraid of. If you are afraid for the future of children, for example, how they will live in this world if they are suddenly left alone, then you can call this fear positive. He will help you prepare their future, take steps “just in case”. You will try to provide children with a good education, teach everything, prepare for difficulties. Or give a child a gas spray and emergency phone numbers, tell how to react to danger, describe it … If your goal is to keep a child out of bad company, you will try to raise him so that he has something to rely on inside, so that he does not need to was to make dubious friends and thus prove their worth.
And what is useless or wrong in my fear for children?
M. Zh .: Anxiety. The child is not at home, you are nervous, worried. Very often this turns into aggression against the child — it turns out to be his fault that you were worried. And when he finally comes, you pounce on him, shouting: “You made your mother worry!” This is a very unfortunate moment in our culture: very often the children are responsible for the experiences of the mother. Intimidation of ourselves and the child with negative consequences (“If you study poorly, you will become a janitor”) is the transfer of our fears to children. So take care of your children! It was your choice to become parents. So your risk…
Sh.P .: I want to add that happiness is never complete, it is always mixed with anxiety. Getting used to living in a situation of risk — this idea is also shared by the Stoics or Nietzsche. True, these philosophers never considered the question of «my» death from the point of view of leaving orphans after me. But Nietzsche’s proposal is still excellent: love your mortality, measure your existence by the fullness of the lived moment — let it always be both pleasant and unpleasant. Here’s a guide for parents!
Can I say that the ability to live in the present will help me overcome fear?
Sh.P .: Sartre showed that fear is always the expectation of what will happen in the future. He gives the example of a woman who was terribly afraid to approach the window, because it seemed to her that then she would begin to invite passers-by like a prostitute. In other words, we are afraid of our freedom: not that we cannot do something, but our own power to do what we want.
M. Zh .: Here one can argue whether this fear is born in the past, as Freud thought, or is generated by the future … But inside each personality, the entire line of life constantly pulsates, connecting the past, present, and future. If gaps appear in it, then it becomes scary to leave the house! A person cannot live without a perspective, and if there are traumas in his past, they distort the entire timeline. The famous psychologist of the humanistic school believed that competence in time (free orientation in the past and future) is one of the main signs of a mature personality.
«IF WE ARE AFRAID OF OUR DESIRES, IT MEANS WE ARE AFRAID OF FREEDOM.»
And the last fear that I wanted to tell you about is the fear of living life “wrong”.
M. Zh .: For individuality, there is no concept of “right or wrong”, there is “mine” or “not mine”, “corresponding to me” or “not corresponding to me”. The main criterion of truth lies within the personality, not outside. Listen to yourself, your desires, needs. If you are afraid of them — to realize or manifest — you are afraid of freedom.
Sh.P .: The Epicureans taught us to be content with what we have. Yes, I did “just that”, but I did it, and, more importantly, I could not have done it either. It is already wonderful that I exist and that I acted. Happiness lives in the space between who I am trying to be and who I am in my loyalty to a deep desire — but first you need to find this desire …
What are your strongest fears?
Sh.P .: It frightens me that life passes too quickly, that death will come before I can do everything I have to do.
M. Zh .: Fear of heights, feeling of boundless space in front of me. Leaving this fear to myself, I honestly admit that I am afraid of losing my head from my own unlimited possibilities. And inside I am not afraid of anything.