«We broke up». Why do men experience differently than we do?

Emotion control

Many men who have been raised in the «boys don’t cry» tradition that is still rooted in society go out of their way to hide their feelings. From conversations with clients, psychologists know that they are going through a breakup, sometimes it is difficult to cope with loneliness. But it’s hard for them to talk about it.

“Some men prefer to emotionally “lock” the situation,” says coach Chris Armstrong, “because speaking openly with a partner for them means losing control of their feelings, revealing weakness.

Women, as a rule, do not let their ego get in the way of expressing emotions, it is easier for them to be sincere. And although the man also suffers from what is happening, we often evaluate him through the eyes of an ex-wife. And she sees the lack of feelings and regret on his part.

He’s been through this for a long time.

He could think about the breakdown in your relationship while you were together, but not tell you about it.

“Men often don’t voice their thoughts because they recklessly assume that only actions matter,” says Chris Armstrong. — Therefore, in relationships, a woman sometimes does not feel emotional support from her partner, because he is sure that only actions help.

Similarly, in a situation of separation: a man can start a discussion only if he believes that something else can be fixed. Deciding that this is impossible, he simply leaves. And when you once again return in your thoughts to the breakup that happened, he has already come this way. Only alone, and you didn’t know it.»

Separation of feelings and decisions

After a breakup, many women are able to reflect for a long time because of what happened, while men seem to be turned to the future and are more interested in the question — what’s next?

This is partly because they are better able to rationalize what is happening, separating the realm of decisions and emotions. They let go of the experience for a certain time and move on.

«Women suffer more from emptiness in relationships»

“The traditional search for differences in the reactions of men and women always rests on the same question: are they innate, that is, biological, or acquired, sociocultural? — comments Svetlana Aulkina, clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst. Evolutionary psychologists attribute differences in emotional responses to echoes of different coping strategies that our ancestors developed.

Thus, a caring woman would be more likely to protect her offspring, while a brave man would be successful in reproduction. In this sense, a woman should demonstrate flexible, empathic behavior based on affection and a subtle understanding of feelings. A man, on the contrary, is emotionally independent and free.

The psyche of a woman is mostly process-oriented. Raising children, maintaining order requires daily patient work with delayed results. And the psyche of a man withstands great stress in the short term and is aimed at analyzing the situation and achieving a quick result. Perhaps these evolutionary features explain the difference in the strategies for building relationships and experiencing a break in a couple.

But it is important to take into account the changed attitude towards the marriage union in the XNUMXth century. Patriarchal marriage during the previous six centuries was exclusively a legal institution for the birth of children, the transmission of traditions and the preservation of material values. This union, clearly based on the distribution of roles, was not focused on mutual love.

In the middle of the last century, marriages for the first time began to be created primarily on the basis of sincere feelings. Accordingly, the requirement for spiritual comfort in relationships has increased dramatically. This made marriage, on the one hand, psychologically satisfying, on the other hand, more fragile, and the partners emotionally vulnerable.

Now in a relationship, both the man and the woman want to be recognized as individuals, respected and supported in difficult situations. Sexual harmony became important. These increased expectations inevitably require new skills from us: the ability to discuss differences, to endure conflicts, to understand and talk about our feelings.

A large number of divorces is a sign of a lack of these skills and traditions, a readiness to overcome the crisis in a couple. This is equally true for both men and women.

At the same time, women are the initiators of divorces. That is, due to their characteristics, they suffer more from emptiness in relationships, betrayal, lack of respect. It can be assumed that, despite the difficulties of experiencing parting, for them the emotional comfort in the union becomes more important than for men.