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Having fallen in love, sooner or later we are faced with the fact that our partner is not like us. He has his own habits, values, system of views. Sometimes they contradict ours. What to do, how to accept the values of a partner, says psychotherapist Viktor Kagan.
Is this a relationship verdict? Need to «tune in»? Change another? How to understand each other?
Liebig system
Psychotherapist Sergei Liebikh talks about different types of communication in a couple:
— “man-son” and “woman-mother”. They have an inherent need to care, take care, patronize — in a word, behave like a parent;
— «man-son» and «woman-daughter» with their need to be a guarded object of care and attention;
— «man-man» and «woman-woman»: active and passive.
Here is a parent-parent pair — headlong, they rush towards each other with their concern for the other and … collide with their foreheads. And if they don’t collide, will it suit one of them to be constantly the object of care, when you really want to take care of yourself / yourself?
A child-child pair is like a cuckoo with its mouths open and waiting for the other to put in a delicious worm. But the other one also sits with his mouth open and waits.
Compatibility is greater in parent-child and active-passive pairs: the needs of one meet the needs of the other
Relationships in the adult-adult pair depend on the subtypes:
two «active» — »darlings scold — only amuse»;
two «passive» — all night lying on the edges of the bed, waiting for the other to take the initiative.
Compatibility is greater in parent-child and active-passive crossover pairs: the needs of one meet the needs of the other.
Can a man tell a woman about his failures, mistakes, insults, humiliations? The need for such a confession is unlikely to arise in a “male father”. But in the «man-son» it is very large.
But the “woman-daughter”, who is waiting for him to complain herself and hear consolations, he will not please. And the “mother woman” is waiting for such a confession — she is ready to listen, nod, support, while at the same time moving forward prepared slippers and food.
The types described by Sergei Liebig combine character and life experience. Therefore, the situation is not hopeless — if the partners have a fairly wide range of roles and are able — depending on the needs of each other — to be either a «parent», then a «child», then «active» or «passive».
Pezeskian’s method
Another approach is offered by Pezeshkian’s father and son. They proceed from the fact that value systems and associated languages of communication are taken from the parental family, and distinguish four such systems:
— body (order),
– intelligence (achievements),
— emotions (communication),
— fantasies (creativity).
Each person has not one of these four traits, but a combination of them. Let’s imagine.
She grew up in a family where everything shone with cleanliness, order reigned, they monitored their health and did not forget to brush their teeth. In his family, of course, they also did not overgrow with mud, but emotional relationships were always in the foreground — friends, communication.
And now she is waiting for him in cleanliness and order, thus expressing her feelings for him, and is offended when he does not notice this. And the words of the hero of one of Arbuzov’s plays are torn from his throat: «Such an order that you want to go through and spit in all corners.» In turn, he may want to please her by calling a bunch of friends to the house, among whom she looks with regret and annoyance at the devastation in the house.
To discern such value systems in another, to accept them means to make the relationship deeper and stronger, and if the other responds in the same way, even more so.
The most common question is: “Well, I will keep up with him (her) all my life?! And who will think about what I need ?! The first step is usually for the one who first felt discomfort in the relationship and wants to keep it. It may not save the relationship, but it makes sense to try.