We are fed by family history

The image of a family gathered around the table is one of the most favorite among advertising producers. And although these ads are about products, what we are really being offered is the ideal of an emotional connection between family members — they feel good together. And all this family happiness is attributed to the magical action of bouillon cubes. The product turns into a sign, food means something else — love, care, joy of meeting, well-being. This happens not only in advertising, but also in life.

The old custom of hiring workers in the village was to watch how they eat — hastily or thoroughly, a lot or a little, neat or sloppy? “As he eats, so he will work,” popular wisdom asserted. Looking closely at how we eat ourselves, we are likely to understand a lot about our attitude to life. No wonder the founder of Gestalt therapy, Fritz Perls, reformed Freudian psychoanalysis, placing at the forefront not sexuality, but the “food instinct”.

The image of the house and romance

Food is strongly associated for us with different memories and associations… “I spent my holidays with my grandmother, in her spacious apartment on Nevsky Prospekt, and my grandmother always started the day with a cup of coffee,” recalls 26-year-old Dina. “To this day, coffee still has magical powers for me. When I want to please myself, I make strong coffee.” The point, of course, is not the magical properties of coffee. “We objectify our needs,” explains clinical psychologist Sofya Tarasova, “and the need for that security and pleasure that a girl experienced next to her grandmother is embodied for an adult girl in a cup of coffee.”

For some, the idea of ​​home is inconceivable without the aroma of freshly baked pies — and it’s not about the pies per se, but about the feeling of coziness and unity. Nevertheless, food really is, one might say, at the very origins of the family. Even the romantic custom of kissing, the researchers suggest, is associated with feeding — with the transfer of delicious pieces from lips to lips, similar to how birds feed their chicks. “Food evokes many associations,” says psychologist Inna Shifanova. – And it is no coincidence that many family stories begin with food: almost all men, starting to court a woman, take her to a restaurant. There is a deep meaning in this: the man is affirmed in the role of the breadwinner. Within the family, the roles change, and in most families, the woman is responsible for cooking. But for men who want to maintain a romantic relationship with their wife, I would recommend taking her to a restaurant from time to time. The second option is to put on an apron yourself and cook something, again reminding you that you are ready to feed your family in the literal sense of the word.

“I fell in love with her because she cooked wonderful kharcho!” — explains the 35-year-old George his choice of life partner. “The coincidence of tastes evokes a sense of community,” agrees Inna Shifanova. “But the opposite is also true: from your favorite hands, scrambled eggs seem like ambrosia.” But eating out means separateness, isolation. “I don’t like to hear from my husband,“ I already had dinner, ”admits 32-year-old Nadezhda. “Of course, I’m sorry for my futile efforts, but it’s also a pity that we won’t sit together, we won’t talk.”

Power and freedom

Children eat the way their parents do. The very word «education» refers us to nutrition. But a teenager, returning home, throws: «I’m full» (had a bite on the way) — he gradually moves away from his parental family, strives for freedom, independence and begins by finding food sources outside his home, «educates» himself.

If the issue of power is important for the family, then during the meal it is easy to notice: this is indicated by parental shouts of “Get off the table immediately!” or “Return to the table immediately!”, restrictions: “Until you finish eating, you won’t go for a walk.” It’s not about what’s tasty or healthy, it’s about obedience. And about disobedience too. “My mother-in-law fed blackcurrant jam to both my husband, and me, and both grandchildren,” admits 43-year-old Elena, the mother of two sons. – I did not argue, because it is useful, in fact. But when, by inheritance, the dacha passed to us and I became the hostess there, the first thing I did was uproot all the currant bushes! Of course, the bushes are not to blame, “they simply took on the aggression that was intended for the mother-in-law and that Elena did not dare to express,” Sofya Tarasova notes. Every morning, 30-year-old Oleg breaks two eggs into a frying pan and proudly calls it “bachelor’s breakfast”: “This is my symbol of freedom, I can do without a woman, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.” But not everyone is so confident. “I had a client who was scared to death when his wife was in the hospital,” says Inna Shifanova. — The man was not the first youth, but not old either. He repeated all the time: “Who will cook? And if she does, who will take care of her? It would be better if she died, then at least another one can be found. He was in tears, and he did not feel the tragedy of the situation: he was in a panic.

“My husband wanted to have a lot of food, and it doesn’t matter what kind,” says 42-year-old Daria. “He was more concerned about volume than taste. We divorced after five years of marriage.» The demands of her husband were accompanied by the formula «a woman must», which evoked a feeling of protest in Daria. “Behind this attitude to food, most likely, there is an acute lack of love in childhood,” Sofya Tarasova suggests. “But the one who did not receive love from his parents cannot give it himself.”

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Taking care of food is like taking care of yourself.

When the meaning of food is not the same for the feeder and the one being fed, it is like a letter delivered to the wrong address. “I still hate semolina, which I was overfed in childhood!” exclaims 29-year-old Gennady. “When they feed, there is usually some kind of fear behind this, for example, that the child will lose weight or that others will condemn the mother, consider her bad,” explains Inna Shifanova. As we grow older, we have the opportunity to reexamine our food experiences and understand our parents’ motivations. Understanding leads to forgiveness and frees food from unpleasant associations.

Eating can boost your self-esteem. “I’m a great cook and I’m not ashamed to admit it,” jokes 38-year-old Lisa. “Sometimes I invite friends on a kind of culinary journey, making traditional dishes of some national cuisine.” And 28-year-old Mikhail is categorical: “I don’t like to think about food, it is necessary for health, I don’t understand why so much attention is paid to this at all.” Such a position makes one think about low self-esteem, according to Sofya Tarasova: “Food is associated with communication, including communication with oneself. Failure to pay attention to this raises a question of self-esteem, about how ready the speaker is to take care of himself.

Traditions: to keep or to overcome?

Not only each of us, but also in each family, there are own beliefs about food — for example, that food should first of all be healthy, or, conversely, tasty, or plentiful. Most often, we follow the models that we learned in the parental family. “I get up every day at six in the morning and cook breakfast for the children and my husband, it is very exhausting,” complains 39-year-old Anna. Yet she can’t imagine her staying in bed while they make their own sandwiches. “Behind many family habits is the idea of ​​the role of a woman in society and in a couple,” comments Inna Shifanova. “The question is whether we voluntarily repeat the examples of our parents or do it through force, forcing ourselves.”

For the military generation, food was the greatest value. “Since childhood, I have seen that my grandfather collects crumbs from the table in his palm and always eats them,” recalls 53-year-old Alice. — Then I found out that he spent ten years in the Stalinist camps, and his habit took on a completely different meaning for me. What seemed like a fad has become a symbol of resilience. Later, I myself sometimes did this in memory of him — and for the first time, when they saw this, the son and daughter were surprised and asked why I was behaving so strangely, and I explained and told them about their great-grandfather.

“An indicator of a healthy body is its flexibility, the ability to change in changing conditions,” notes Inna Shifanova. “This fully applies to how the family eats food.” “I really like avocados,” admits 77-year-old Margarita. – Of course, there was no such fruit either in my childhood, or even in my mature life. But I tried it and liked it. I guess for me, an avocado for breakfast means that life goes on!”

Should the family gather at the table?

Let’s return to the image with which we started — a happy family gathers at a common table. “Partly this picture is an illusion,” notes Sofya Tarasova. “But this illusion gives us psychological protection, a sense of togetherness and confidence.” In difficult times, this is especially noticeable, we begin to get together more often. But it does not follow from this that everyone should be seated at the table at any cost. “It is important to observe the principle of voluntariness and respect,” emphasizes the clinical psychologist. — You can invite, persuade, ask, but you can not force. When someone pours a glass of kefir and goes into the next room — if he hasn’t done this before, you can gently ask if something has happened, and if he loves it and always does it, then so be it.

We can assume that everything is in order with us if food fills us up without leaving a feeling of heaviness, and communication pleases us — including with ourselves.