If you are used to defending your interests at work and easily overtake colleagues, showing your worth, then it is likely that such rivalry will migrate to relationships with a partner. Why does this happen and how to avoid it?
Competition in relationships and in the family is a common situation. We fulfill ourselves in society and often bring the same behavior home. What to do if rivalry has crept into a relationship?
“First of all, slow down and analyze everything well,” advises family and personal psychologist Dmitry Sobolev. “If it’s beneficial for a couple that their relationship moves forward, then the partners understand that rivalry is a direct threat to their relationship.”
Of course, every family has its own rules. What is unacceptable for some, for others is a completely understandable, working scheme. Someone supports the patriarchal model, someone is satisfied exclusively with partnerships, and in some couples, competition energizes partners and motivates them to develop.
“The main indicators of healthy relationships are the successful overcoming of crises and the further development of the family without “getting stuck” in one phase or another,” explains systemic family therapist Ekaterina Kozeikina. “However, if the rivalry between spouses becomes pronounced and injures one or both partners, then this model gradually destroys the relationship.”
Why do we see a competitor in a partner at all?
According to Ekaterina Kozeikina, a lot depends on the position of the spouses in their parental families. Most often, this situation occurs in a couple where both partners are older or only children. In this case, a conflict of ranks may arise between them, since each believes that he is the best at doing any business, and in every possible way tries to prove this to his spouse.
Also, competition can arise if one of the partners has low self-esteem, and then, in order to demonstrate his superiority, he will try to rehabilitate it at the expense of his spouse.
The conditions under which strong partners can agree among themselves are simple. First and foremost is the distribution of responsibilities in the family and compliance with agreements on how decisions should be made. “Draw up a written agreement that clearly states who is responsible for what,” advises Ekaterina Kozeikina. — For example, who organizes the holiday, how large purchases should take place, who is responsible for cleaning the house. This will minimize the risk of conflict situations.
In addition, it is important to openly discuss emerging problems with a partner, without hushing up anything.
Be honest about your experiences. After all, each of us is able to change our behavior and reaction, depending on who we are talking to — a friend, boss, relative or loved one. “The rivalry will come to naught if you and your partner realize that you are not rivals to each other and not enemies, but close people, associates, two parts of one whole,” says Dmitry Sobolev. “Each of you has your own personality and your own direction of development, but there is something that unites you.”
Answering the questions “Why did I choose this person? What do I want — to be near him or to do tug of war?
“Honest answers to these questions will help you understand who the person next to you is, what you want from the relationship and what would be useful for both of you,” says Dmitry Sobolev. “But in order to move in the same direction, you need to learn to recognize the merits and merits of each other.”
The colleague is supported by Ekaterina Kozeikina. “Only through mutual respect and recognition of the strengths of each, it is possible to cooperate, and not to fight,” the systemic family therapist is sure. — And along with your strengths, you should recognize your weaknesses, allow yourself to lose in something. Treat the family as a shared project in which everyone contributes what they do best. Then it will become stronger day by day, and the common resources can be directed to the fight against external difficulties, and not against each other.