“We are as one”: why it is dangerous for your couple

“Marriage is when a man and a woman become one person. The hardest thing is to figure out which of the two of them, ”director Woody Allen once joked, expressing in this brief formula the essence of the problem that sooner or later two people who decide to live together face. What at first inspires them so much – a common bed, the same tastes, common friends, the same manner of speaking, joint rest – then very often leads to the depletion of love feelings (and sometimes to the loss of it!). And besides, there is a feeling of loss of one’s own individuality.

“If two “I’s” that were once separate from each other merge into a comprehensive “we”, energy leaves it, which just allows the couple to move forward, develop,” says psychotherapist Olga Dolgopolova. Family relationships gradually turn one person only into a continuation of another, into a double, predictable and therefore imperceptible. Desire fades, boredom and fatigue arise.

Psychotherapists confirm that when we begin to suffocate from living together in a short distance, it is difficult for us to sort out our feelings, since the original desire and energy have already been lost.

Paradoxically, maybe this is just the right moment to ask yourself a few questions. What is happening to me? What’s going on with relationships? Am I confident enough in the feelings of the other not to interfere with his self-realization outside of our life together? Am I getting too lost in our relationship, am I losing sight of myself?

When we answer these questions for ourselves, new opportunities for coexistence will open before us, we will see where we can get oxygen, which our couple so noticeably lacks.

“A few years after the wedding, I seemed to no longer understand who I am,” recalls 42-year-old Nadezhda (12 years of marriage). – Nothing surprised me in my husband, I could predict his every word, every gesture. I wanted to quit everything, I was literally suffocating … “

Stay two people

And yet Nadezhda did not leave anyone or anything. She decided to “take a breath of fresh air” … and took up charity work. What brought new acquaintances into her life, various events outside the family circle, and most importantly, internal energy and desires returned to her. Within a few months, she felt more independent, more energetic, joyful… and more in love.

Being two is also being able to say no. And it’s not as easy as it might seem. “Those who love each other should want the same things and do the same things” – such an idea is firmly fixed in our minds. It happens that a person who is not self-confident enough, noticing that a companion does not share his tastes, begins to worry, to be afraid of his condemnation and even that they will stop loving him.

“This is especially painful for someone who feels more dependent on their partner,” says Olga Dolgopolova. “By merging with him, he thereby “completes” in another, feeling like a more complete person.”

In fact, it is important to respect and support our differences, to defend our own desires. And, accordingly, respect the wishes of the other. After all, remember: when we first met him, it was our difference that attracted us … which, over the course of days, began to fade. Unexplored facets disappeared, a precious nugget polished and became a pebble-pebble, a wild panther turned into a fat domestic cat, well known and predictable. Why be surprised that we are no longer attracted to each other?

Avoid sacrifice

If we abandon our favorite activities or friends in order to devote more time to family life, or if we force ourselves to adapt to the circle of friends and interests of another, we not only renounce our individuality, but also secretly accumulate annoyance. Which will certainly spill out at the first disagreement.

In essence, such a sacrifice is a form of blackmail and always poisons intimate relationships in one way or another. “After all, when sacrificing, in return a person expects sacrifices from a partner, who sometimes does not even know about it,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Mardoyan.

The one who sacrifices himself lives with the thought that someday he will be rewarded for it. And the slightest desire of a partner for autonomy is perceived by him as a monstrous ingratitude.

As a rule, constant concessions to a partner in order to please him do not at all lead to the result that we expect. On the one hand, indulging his desires, we lose our own face and eventually cease to understand who we are and what we ourselves want. On the other hand, the object of our relentless attention may feel painfully unfree under the suffocating weight of our care.

Create a space of love

A banal, but, alas, true observation: living together inclines us to laziness. In addition, our age is full of overloads, from which we often get tired. That is why it often happens that two people, having collapsed unconscious on the marital bed, are immediately … forgotten only by an innocent dream.

So gradually, because of this little laziness and great fatigue, the love affair turns into a “brotherly bond.” The partner’s body, becoming too familiar and familiar, gradually ceases to give an erotic charge.

There are hardly any magic recipes, but there are simple tricks that will help prevent the fading of sexual tension in a relationship. For example, you can create some special “field” for a couple’s love dates – in time or space. A specially designed corner of the bedroom, a weekend dedicated to sensual pleasures, or an encounter with art, an unusual dinner or a favorite place in nature – in short, what unites a couple and meets their desires helps to create an intimate atmosphere that is different from the usual everyday life.

“The highest degree of intimacy between two people is sexual,” recalls Svetlana Mardoyan. “And she, like a sensitive rare flower, needs to be constantly looked after, doing something that does not fit into the usual daily routine. For example, you can call your partner on a date, walk around the city, go to a cafe or restaurant. Escape from everyday life by flying to another country for the weekend. In general, to do something unusual in order to see each other in a new light, to re-engage in a romantic game.

Agree to part

Such advice, which at first glance diverges from common sense, is actually given by all sexologists and family psychologists. Indeed, after parting – even for a few hours or days – a joyful meeting follows. And it seems that everyone can easily follow him … But no such luck! When one of the partners is energized outside the family space, the old demons of doubt in his feelings begin to stir in the depths of the soul of the other. “How can he (a) enjoy life away from me so much?”, “What if he (a) finds someone better for himself ?!”, “What if he (a) enters the taste of a free life and does not want to return? »

The line between love and ownership is often very thin. The fear of being alone sometimes serves as that unconscious brake that prevents you from letting go of the other, letting him move away.

Do not forget that the desire to escape does not arise from a sense of freedom, but from a feeling of dissatisfaction. The one who has realized himself and fulfilled his desires is much more inclined to share his feelings with a partner than the one who experiences dissatisfaction and frustration.

“If the relationship continues to develop,” says Olga Dolgopolova, “then after a period of emotional intimacy, there will definitely be a distance from each other. But doing what we love at the same time will allow us to experience spontaneous, sincere excitement. And then, at home, we will share impressions with each other, exchange emotions, this excitement. This will be the moment of the reunion of the couple and the same pas towards each other.

Another hindrance to our independence is our subordination to the existing social norm: “The couple should always be together.” So, if I have a desire to go somewhere alone, if I feel good together with a partner, but I’m not ready to spend every minute with him, I conclude: “I don’t love him enough, after all, this is not the one who I needed, our relationship is a mistake.” Or even: “I’m not made to live together.” This is a stable belief that is firmly planted in the minds of many couples. And unfortunately, often instead of getting rid of him, they get rid of each other.

Support other desires

Mutual attraction in a couple is also fueled by sudden outbursts of desire that arise outside of family life, sexologists say. This is not at all about encouraging adultery, but about the fact that, leaving the space of family relationships, we should not add up our “sensuality antennas” – let them always be straightened. It is worth allowing yourself to be seduced just enough to get a taste of the possibility itself – and it is not at all necessary to realize it.

“Paradoxically, it is those partners who give each other the most freedom that remain the most faithful,” notes psychotherapist Serge Efez. “Conversely, in more closed couples, such a ban on the unacceptable often acts like a magnet.”

Maybe because the one who trusts us is much more difficult to betray? “Trust is the basic criterion for harmonious relations,” says Svetlana Mardoyan. “By trusting each other, we feel not only physical, but also moral security.”

“I am for such trust,” adds Olga Dolgopolova, “when partners are in contact, their eyes and ears are open, they interact with each other sincerely and openly. Trusting a partner, releasing him into life, we must be prepared to take risks. But whatever happens, we will be able to talk about it, discuss it directly, understanding what is happening to us here and now.”

Desires outside of family relationships are by no means limited to the field of sexual desire. Devoting time to yourself, getting the joy of close communication with friends – there are many different sources of vital energy from which our desire to live and love is fed.