Contents
Many believe that they know how not to succumb to other people’s manipulations. In fact, everyone is vulnerable, and most of us have been victims at least once.
Nina’s friend, 35-year-old Anton, has a magical way to get something out of her. For example, he says: “I rented a new apartment. Will you give me a car for a week to transport things? Taxi is too expensive.
Nina refuses: she needs the car herself. “Well, at least for three days!” Anton is not far behind. After winning four days, Nina concedes, although this means that she will have to get to work in crowded transport and with transfers for three days. And it’s not a fact that Anton, a person who is not the most obligatory, will return the car on time.
She is angry with herself, vaguely realizing that she has been cheated again, but she does not want to look like a callous selfish woman who abandons her friends in difficult times. For the same reason, she spent a vacation with her former mother-in-law in the country: she endlessly insists that no one needs her, and Nina is not able to play the role of a bad girl, who left the elderly lady to her fate after a divorce.
Why do we get manipulated
From the side it is clear that Nina falls into the traps of manipulators over and over again. But we are blind, like her, when we do not notice the same traps ourselves.
“This is a hidden, implicit psychological impact that we realize only later, and even then not necessarily,” business coach Nikita Nepryakhin explains the essence of manipulation. – She is always two-faced: externally, the manipulator pursues one goal, but latently he has another, true one. The thinner it is veiled, the more professional the manipulation. Therefore, I always say: if it seems to you that no one is manipulating you, then you are in the hands of professionals.
The manipulator feels the victim’s pain points and presses on them to gain power over her.
The way in which the manipulator presents us with information or their arguments leads to a distortion of our needs and desires, adds Elena Shuvarikova, a psychologist and group analyst. “It begins to seem to us that this is exactly what we want, this is what we feel, that this is our decision – to do exactly what the manipulator needs. If he acts masterfully, we may not understand that we have fallen for the bait, even with a very good psychological education.
Pain points at which the manipulator aims
64-year-old Larisa is an authoritative scientist and a popular teacher among students. She carefully concealed from everyone that she began to have hearing problems. And so, “not knowing how,” she laid out a considerable amount for a hearing aid, which was offered to her by a merchant who went from apartment to apartment.
The purchase was in vain: the device turned out to be ineffective. Why, with all her intelligence, was she suddenly so gullible? Yes, just a physical handicap that makes her feel inferior, made her vulnerable to a manipulator.
We are all vulnerable in some way, and manipulators play on this. “Any manipulator is a subtle psychologist,” says Nikita Nepryakhin. – He knows or instinctively feels the pain points of his victim and presses on them in order to gain power over her and force her to “voluntarily” do what she did not want at all.
We are easily manipulated by loved ones who know our weaknesses very well.
Our feelings – guilt, pity, fear, our motives, desires, goals and needs, for example, the need for respect, social recognition, can act as a manipulative target. The manipulator can play on beliefs, social norms, stereotypes.”
Therefore, we are so easily manipulated by those close to us, who are well aware of our weaknesses. And often they do it unconsciously. The mother who says to the child: “You will give me a heart attack with your deuces!” Wants him to take up his mind, and does not think about what plays on his emotional dependence on her.
And those who do not know us personally can play on typical human weaknesses. “Surely everyone will remember the saleswoman who ardently assured him that this product is extremely fashionable and popular, everyone buys it! – Elena Shuvarikova gives an example. – This simple technique is designed for the mass buyer, who focuses on the opinion of the majority. Those who take the bait will always outnumber the skeptics.”
The arsenal of manipulative techniques used in sales, advertising, and the media is truly inexhaustible. After all, without noticing it ourselves, we react not only to words, but also to intonations, tone of voice, pauses, facial expressions, glances, touches, gestures, smells.
Manipulators on the Internet and in real life
The development of social media provides new, never seen before opportunities to manipulate us. “We used to communicate only with those whom we knew personally, perhaps even with those with whom we corresponded. Now, thanks to social networks, contacts are rapidly expanding. The Internet gives access to everyone: they constantly send us mailings, advertisements, they try to impose something, to subordinate us to someone else’s will, ”says Elena Shuvarikova.
A vivid example of how we are caught on emotional hooks in the digital world is the actions of Internet trolls.
“Their method is to unbalance, demoralize users,” says Nikita Nepryakhin. Among them are professional propagandists whose job it is to spread false information or divert attention from an important topic, switch the discussion to other issues. But there are also simply amateurs who, at half a turn, deftly draw us – as if against their will – into fruitless, senseless disputes that leave a heavy aftertaste.
Manipulators-“hedonists” enjoy the process itself. For them it’s just a game.
Before the second, we are especially defenseless. On the one hand, they encroach on our values, on self-esteem – but at the same time, no selfish purpose can be read in their actions, and because of this, it is more difficult to recognize their manipulation. Such trolls are often referred to as a specific phenomenon inherent in the Internet space.
Although in fact we can remember something similar and “in real life.” For example, a neighbor who just pitted tenants against each other, or a colleague who weaved intrigues without any benefit to herself. “Most manipulators have some pragmatic goal.
But there are also manipulators – “hedonists” who enjoy the process itself. For them, this is just a game: they want to emerge victorious and enjoy their power over others. This, of course, is a serious psychological deviation, and such people should be avoided,” emphasizes Nikita Nepryakhin.
Who falls for the bait of manipulators?
Most of us fall for the bait at some point, but we are manipulated to varying degrees. “Victims are primarily people with low self-esteem or serious psychotrauma,” says the business coach. The second risk factor is suggestibility. Such people are inclined to conformism, to conciliation.
We all tend to exaggerate our invulnerability. Nikita Nepryakhin talks about the results of his survey: “96% of respondents believed that others were victims of manipulation, while 76% claimed that they themselves were able to competently protect themselves from it.”
The first and main tool of protection is the ability to recognize your feelings. Even when we are not aware of the intention of the manipulator, we feel some psychological discomfort. And our experts recommend that you definitely listen to this feeling: it says that something is unclean here and, perhaps, we have become the object of manipulation.