From the point of view of psychoanalysis, gratitude is one of those virtues that most make us human. But sometimes it turns into too heavy a burden of obligations. How great can our filial, child, or parental debt be?
This concept may seem outdated, even slightly naive, since it was originally part of the religious language: by «thanks» was meant thanksgiving to God, a prayer of thanksgiving. However, true gratitude comes from the depths of our being.
Sometimes I meet my former patients who, fifteen years later, thank me for everything I did for them, for the changes that later happened in their lives. What exactly did I do to earn their gratitude? I don’t know. Something happened: a word, a phrase, a glance—something that they perceived and that gradually produced an inner change in them.
I sincerely believe that true gratitude is more a way of thanking life than a specific person; it expresses the joy of being alive. She is opposed by the position “I did not ask me to give birth, therefore everyone owes me — life, the world, people”, which expresses absolute ingratitude.
Gratitude means being responsible for your own life.
Anyone who is convinced that others — parents, partner — should take care of his well-being, will not be able to feel gratitude. In general, we have entered the era of “victims”: they believe that happiness is due to them, and they demand compensation for damage if there is no happiness!
I believe that the sense of self of the victim is due to the childish illusion that it seems that fate spoils others more and that there is always some way to get rid of suffering. I do not deny that some people had to endure monstrous injustice. I am not saying that it is easy to be responsible for oneself in our divided society, where one can become an outcast very quickly.
And yet: the belief that we actually deserve more happiness makes it difficult to thank life for what it gives us. In addition, being satisfied with one’s fate is considered something almost shameful, it is perceived as weakness and lack of fighting qualities. I feel a certain bitterness in people, a general discontent. We are ungrateful not in the sense that we forget to say thank you.
Ingratitude is a refusal to acknowledge the good things that happen to us. Agreeing that there was good, we look at life realistically, which allows us to recognize both our wounds and our failures — without this it is impossible to move on.
Psychoanalysis does not directly help you learn gratitude. But Freud wrote about the idea of duty that each of us has from birth, simply because we were born. One of his patients tried to repay an imaginary debt and in this unrealistic way to pay off the real debts of his own father. In this case, we are dealing with a neurosis, but in general we really owe our lives to our parents. And some, until the end of their days, ask themselves how to pay off this debt.
Some violently spoil their lives, thereby saying: “I don’t owe you anything, it’s because of you that I am a complete loser.” Often this happens in the case of ambivalent relationships between parents and children, which are accompanied by an unconscious desire for the death of the other and emotional blackmail. Others act more positively: recognizing the limitations of their parents’ role, they try to accept what was given to them.
Gratitude is easier when there is a good relationship between parents and children. The best way to repay this debt, which we have been born with and by definition unrequited, is to give life in turn, or become the creator of our own life.
Freud quotes Goethe, who called on sons, and children in general, to appropriate the heritage of their ancestors on a symbolic level: it is not enough to passively accept the heritage, you need to desire it and work with it — only in this way can we realize the duty of our whole life and not collapse under its weight.
When it comes to parent-child relationships, I prefer respect over gratitude. I really believe that we should help our parents when they get old. And not because of sentimental reasons, like «thank you for everything you have done for me,» or because they sacrificed themselves for us. It’s just our moral duty (I have to help them!).
Rather out of gratitude for the life we have received through them than out of a sense of gratitude to them! Even if I don’t like them, I have to respect them — not as individuals, but as the embodiment of the parental role. Even if the father is a nonentity, he is still a father.
You should also thank your children.
Of course, you do not need to express gratitude to them every second for what they are. But we really owe them, because thanks to them we got access to the creative power that they gave us with their birth: having created a new life, we become like the Creator.
This does not mean that we must endure everything from them, meekly endure their reproaches, their claims. We have become the cause of their birth, but this is not a reason to answer for them forever. Of course, they did not ask them to give birth, which they never tire of reminding. However, from the moment they live among us, as they mature, they themselves are partly responsible for what happens to them.
Gratitude is the ability to love life despite inevitable disappointments.
There is something of the love of the unexpected, the pleasure of the unexpected. This is the ability to turn the unexpected into something positive, to write it down as a plus. I was waiting for something, something else happened, and I am satisfied. Life consists of these gaps between our expectations and real events.
It is pointless to hope for a complete coincidence of dreams and reality. This is also true in relationships: between what I give and what I receive, between my intention and the perception of the other person, there is almost always a gap. And our task is to accept it and live with it! The promise of “win-win options” is just a hoax.
Author: Jacques Aren is a psychoanalyst who has authored numerous books, including Become an Adult to Be Free at Last (Devenir adulte pour être (enfin!) libre, Hachette, 2009).