Contents
Money is one of the most taboo topics. Boasting about your fortune or asking how much someone earns and spends on what is considered uncivilized in society. But such conversations can boost our self-esteem, instill confidence, and improve relationships with a partner. How exactly they help, explains the psychologist and financial coach.
Why don’t we talk about money
Many people try to avoid discussing finances. And if they talk about them, then they often experience feelings of shame and guilt, fear, irritation or anger. Why is this happening? To find out, you need to determine what meaning each person invests in money and what they identify with.
Money as an indicator of success
For men, money is most often an indicator of their own success, significance in society: “If I am rich, then I feel confident and courageous, influential.” This, as a rule, speaks of a person’s low self-esteem, of his clear conviction that not everything is in order with him. He can compensate for this self-doubt only by reaching the heights and proving to others his success.
Talking about money with those who are many times wealthier than him, a person will feel discomfort. The fact that there is someone richer and more successful will remind him that he is not all right. If the conversation takes place with an interlocutor whose income is much less, the person will either feel confident and comfortable, or feel ashamed of what he has.
The common thing in both situations is a comparison that is tied to low self-esteem
A person unconsciously compares himself with others and depends on their assessment. So, a conversation about money is inevitably accompanied by fear — whether his financial situation will cause admiration from the interlocutor or, conversely, condemnation or pity. There is a clear belief here that the value of a person is measured by the level of his income.
No less common in our society are cases where women are ashamed of their income. This is explained by the fact that society expects a certain behavior from a woman: for example, that she will run the household and devote herself entirely to children. If she still chooses a career, then a sense of shame and guilt for the inconsistency of the imposed role is inevitable. In the case when a woman is not married, or has no children, or does not have time to take care of a child and at the same time perform household duties due to work, she will blame herself and be ashamed of her success.
Money as an indicator of power in the family
In the view of most people in our country, a man is a breadwinner, and a woman is a keeper of the hearth. In this situation, money becomes an indicator of power: whoever earns more in the family makes all the important decisions, takes responsibility, ensures the safety and basic needs of family members.
If a man — the head of the family suddenly loses his job or is left without his usual income, he withdraws into himself and flatly refuses to discuss money with his wife, because he is afraid to appear weak in the eyes of his beloved and lose power.
If a woman earns more than her partner, she hides her income, deliberately understates it or avoids talking about money, fearing to offend her partner: “If I start talking about money, my husband may take it as a reproach for insolvency.” Also, a woman who earns more than her partner may feel like a breadwinner and experience discomfort, fear from such awareness. Moreover, because of such destructive emotions, she may unconsciously «close» herself from opportunities to climb the career ladder.
Should we talk about money at all?
An open and calm conversation about money is likely to lead to well-being both in relationships with a partner and at work.
If the spouses have a number of financial problems and prefer to avoid talking about money, then everything is likely to end in a conflict — a lack of coherence in their actions will lead to it. It is important that partners can sit down at the table and rationally discuss the family budget.
If an employee is afraid to take the initiative and talk with superiors about a possible promotion, pay, or deliberately underestimate the cost of his services, then his quality of life also deteriorates. Soon, he begins to feel tremendous fatigue, is faced with an unwillingness to continue working and «closes» from new opportunities.
How to learn to discuss money
1. Think about what you associate money with.
What are they for you — an indicator of success, self-importance in the eyes of others or power? Ask yourself the question: “What is money for me?” and write an essay on the topic. Try to describe the answer in as much detail as possible and in a couple of days take a look at what was written with a critical eye. You will most likely find many negative beliefs and associations associated with money.
2. Track your emotions
At all times, money was a means of exchange and did not carry absolutely any meanings and emotions, unless we ourselves endowed them with them. It remains for you to realize this and monitor your own emotions when it comes to finances. If you start feeling ashamed, guilty, angry, or annoyed, ask yourself, “What is this about for me?” and try to find the answer.
3. Break the Silence
As often as possible, discuss the topic of money with relatives, friends, acquaintances or strangers, but do it carefully and tactfully. Set aside some time for this. Specify whether your interlocutor is comfortable discussing such topics, whether he has a desire to keep the conversation going, and what he thinks about it in general. Speak with respect and don’t judge people by their income.
4. Talk about finances with a partner
Are you planning to legalize relations with a partner, are you just going to live together, or do you want to resolve existing differences? In any of these situations, you need to know how finances will be distributed in your couple. Will the budget be joint or, conversely, separate? Simulate different life situations: what will happen if one family member is suddenly left without a source of income — is the second one ready to support and temporarily provide for a partner at this moment?
These points are more important than ever to discuss, because often conflicts arise due to such disagreements.
5. Look for like-minded people
Whenever possible, connect with people of different income levels to share knowledge and experience. Not always a conversation about money is an encroachment on personal and excessive curiosity. The more you share information about your financial situation or difficulties with others, the higher the chance of getting useful advice from someone who once successfully got out of a similar situation.
Keeping up a conversation about money is not easy at first, especially if you were brought up in an environment where people avoided this topic. Fortunately, you can consciously approach this issue and start talking about money without experiencing destructive emotions.