We all “owe”: how unconscious debts spoil our lives

For several months now, 35-year-old Maria has been spending every weekend in the hospital with her mother, who is slowly recovering from cancer treatment. Doctors’ forecasts are optimistic, her friends often visit her, she is in a good mood. So there is no reason to spend all the time in the hospital, giving up your personal life. And the 40-year-old Fedor settled in his childhood friend, who does not consider it necessary to earn a living and wallows all day on the couch, mocking the “slaves of work.”

We feel responsible for parents, friends, children, colleagues. We take on their duties, tasks and debts that poison our existence, and no one asked us about this! Without realizing it, we experience what psychologists call unconscious debts. What and from whom did we borrow? Where do these obligations come from, which we recognize, but cannot intelligibly explain?

First of all, we “owe” our parents. This is the proverbial “we owe our lives.” Of course, they gave us an invaluable gift by bringing us into the world, and we have obligations towards them. But this is hardly a reason to doom yourself to eternal gratitude and reverence.

“Becoming an adult means one day telling ourselves and others that we cannot give our parents all that they have done for us,” says psychotherapist Nicole Prieur. – It would be good for parents to understand that their love for a child is a free gift. Moreover, the life that they gave us, they themselves also received as a gift.

We pass this gift on, rather than borrow it. What we cannot return to our parents, we give to our children, and they will pass it on to theirs. Understanding this order of things will serve our liberation. Our task is not to return the debt to past generations, but to give to the future ones, to invest in the future.”

“After all I’ve done for you”

Alas, few of us can boast of such independence from our parents, especially when they tirelessly remind us that they sacrificed everything for us. “Don’t let yourself be lured into the trap of sacrificial relationships with previous generations,” warns Nicole Prieur, “otherwise you risk losing your freedom.”

This is exactly what happened to Elizabeth: “For years, my mother told me: “Because of you, I was left alone! You would never agree if any man took your father’s place! You are my only meaning in life.”

And as a result, now, at 34, Elizabeth still lives with her mother, in the same apartment where she spent her childhood: “Sometimes I feel trapped, but I don’t have the courage to leave my mother – after all, she didn’t leave me, when the father is gone!

Not only parents are responsible for such a painful relationship. To their eternal: “We sacrificed everything for you!” our childhood fantasy of omnipotence responds: “I will sacrifice myself for you!” If we say: “I can’t leave my parents, because they need me!” – so we are faced with an infantile illusion that we can save them.

At work, with friends, in a couple, without realizing it, we are re-enacting the difficult relationships that were in our family system. “Each of us plays a certain role in the family and in the family,” explains family therapist Serge Efez. – There are official roles: father, mother, older brother, younger sister. And there are secret missions, hidden functions that control us without our knowledge and the burden of which we carry throughout our lives.

So, the task of one of the children may be to pull the mother out of depression, the other should perform parental functions in order to replace or support the weak father, the third will play the role of an intermediary. Those who feel obligated to care for others played the role of protector in childhood, ready to sacrifice themselves for the good of others.

“I can’t leave her”

As a child, Marina covered up the brothers’ antics. “Two months ago, I almost lost my job because I brought a friend to the company. I knew she was “in trouble” but she didn’t have a job and I just couldn’t help but lend her a helping hand. And of course, it backfired on me, because she made a lot of mistakes! If Marina does not sacrifice herself, it is too hard for her to bear the feeling of guilt.

Many of us are filled with guilt for not living up to our parents’ expectations, for disappointing them, for loving or hating them too much, for making them suffer. All means are good to avoid this.

It took Alexander six years of work with a psychotherapist to understand to what extent he feels responsible for everything: “My parents worked hard, and I had to take care of my sister. And I did my duty: at the age of 26, I paid her bills and rented a house. I felt guilty that I was living so well and she was doing so badly.

But one day I said: “That’s it, get out now yourself!” It helped me free myself. At the same time, I ceased to be a faithful friend, a comrade who pays for two, an obliging colleague who concedes his promotion to another! In the end, Alexander realized that the only person to whom he owed something was himself.

“In many families, the importance of what everyone owes to their family, ancestors, founder of the clan, traditions is emphasized,” emphasizes Serge Efez. – And all subsequent generations agree with this and find it impossible to get rid of it. A bit like a mafia clan…”

Leonid obeyed his father’s will, taking over the leadership of the family business, as all the eldest sons had done before him for many generations. “This succession was a tribute that I had to pay. I really wanted to study philosophy, but forbade myself to think about it. Now I am 56, I work like a damn to keep the enterprise afloat, and I understand that a sense of filial duty has ruined my life … “

“I owe them everything”

The unconscious missions that are entrusted to us and passed down from generation to generation may be implicit, but their effect is not weakened by this.

Lydia is raising her one and a half year old son alone. As a result of psychotherapy, she noticed that she inherited an unconscious task: to prevent men from raising children, as four generations of women in her family did. In order to save her relationship with her son, Lydia had to give up the hidden debt that her ancestors had given her.

Unconscious debts can also be in relation to colleagues. Loyalty conflicts constantly accompany us on our professional and career paths. Karina refused a highly paid job in another company, because she was afraid to destroy her image as an honest and faithful subordinate: “The boss gave me a chance, I owe him everything. If I left, it would feel like I had stabbed him in the back!”

In such situations, leaving, breaking up creates a huge risk – losing the love of the one we made to suffer. But sometimes it is necessary, as Nicole Prieur emphasizes, to decide on disloyalty and transcend feelings of guilt in order to expand your horizons. It is very painful, but necessary.

And this is not betrayal and not black ingratitude. Of course, on the condition that we can explain ourselves to those whom we “leave” and recognize that the segment of the path we have traveled together has played an important role for us. To express gratitude for the ways that he opened for us, but not to sacrifice new opportunities as a token of this gratitude.

“Twenty-five years ago, my friend and I were inseparable,” says 42-year-old Eduard. “Today everyone has their own life, and apart from memories, nothing unites us. But we continue to meet – apparently, out of loyalty to our common youth!

Eduard is not the only one who continues the relationship out of habit. It is very difficult to cut off old ties and admit that what was, is no more. However, this is the only way to develop further. We must find the courage to get rid of the “benevolent tyranny” of loved ones, otherwise the relationship will completely deteriorate.

“What should belong to the realm of emotions becomes their complete opposite. We meet not because we like to spend time together, but because we are forced to do so by our “Super-I” and a sense of duty, ”says Serge Efez.

If we want to live in accordance with our desires, we will have to close the doors, give up obsolete relationships and say to ourselves: “Today I want to turn to other people, events, opportunities.” This is not about selfishness, but, on the contrary, about openness to the world.

Of course, loyalty and attachment to the past are important qualities. Witnesses to our lives are like encouraging landmarks that help us persevere as we face the unknown future. No one proposes to completely erase the past from memory, to renounce friends, roots, family and history, to start from scratch. We just need to get rid of what holds us in place, does not allow us to move on.

It is necessary not only for us, but also for our children. Before you send them on their own, it would be good to first achieve independence yourself. In particular, in relation to parents. “If we want children to obey us, we must stop obeying our parents,” concludes Nicole Prior. “This is not betrayal and ingratitude, but a matter of survival.”