Wives have long worked as equals with their husbands, but the burden of housework and childcare still rests on women’s shoulders. Quarrels based on the unequal distribution of household responsibilities often lead to divorce. What can men do to save a marriage in the XNUMXst century?
“She divorced me because I didn’t wash my dishes” is the title of Matthew Frey’s blog post about the end of his marriage. Frey writes that whenever his wife went into the kitchen, she found his cup by the sink. He realized too late that almost all the housework and child care was on his wife.
“I just didn’t take the initiative, and my wife did everything – planning homework, the logistics associated with caring for our son … I call it “unintentional sexism” … Well, I’m certainly not a sexist, and gender inequality disgusts me! »
Frey works with men and knows that the “average man” hasn’t read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. When wives try to draw the attention of their husbands to the unequal distribution of household and child care responsibilities, men usually react as follows:
- dispute the facts given by the wife;
- agree with the facts, but believe that the reaction of the partner is excessive;
- defend their actions (or inactions) by explaining why they did it.
The sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got it.” Frey says he works as an interpreter for men, whom he advises on how to save their marriage. He also advises checking what year is on the calendar. It’s not the sixties anymore.
“Take the initiative” – Frey advises his clients to pay attention to what needs to be done at home. Here are a couple more tips from him:
- Don’t be surprised if dinner doesn’t cook itself.
- Don’t wait to be asked, do your own homework.
Do men act like they owe everything?
Gender disparity in household chores has a simple but troubling explanation, says Catherine Aponte, clinical psychologist and author of The Marriage of Equals. It appears to be driven by four factors:
- gender socialization;
- Reflection (or rather, its absence);
- gender stereotypes;
- Unwillingness to share responsibility.
Gender socialization
Girls are taught this from childhood. Writer Tiffany Dufu calls it “the painful need to keep order in the house.” This “disease” is characterized by the “invisible internalized sexism of the woman who associates the impeccability of her home with her own worth because she has been taught to do so.”
Men don’t understand this because they don’t associate a clean home with value. A man who appreciates cleanliness in the house is just a clean person.
Lack of reflection
Noticing how you support gender disparity in homework requires reflection, which is not easy. It takes a conscious review of your beliefs and analysis of your own actions in order to learn new ways of organizing relationships. Reflection can help find new ways to live together based on the principles of equality and justice.
Gender stereotypes
According to research, in families in which a woman earns more than a man, the following often happens: the more a woman earns, the less housework her partner does. Obviously, out of fear of seeming even less courageous.
A woman in this situation may give up her career ambitions in order to take on more household responsibilities and devote maximum time to caring for children, as well as to save her husband’s ego. This situation is exacerbated by the fact that men are wildly admired for doing ordinary housework.
Division of responsibility
Sharing responsibility means participating in childcare, doing your share of housework, making decisions together, and striving for equal career opportunities. It is not simple. Especially for men. But, as Frey says, “it’s not the sixties anymore.”
This caution is especially important because many men are reluctant to redefine traditional gender roles despite the fact that women, their wives, work with them as equals.
How to redistribute the load?
Don’t assume that your understanding of home cleanliness is the same by default. In fact, there are no generally accepted rules for keeping a house in order. What does a clean bathroom look like to you? What does laundry include? Should dishes be washed immediately after eating?
Discuss your “rules” with each other before making a list of household chores. Talk about how it worked in your family—who was responsible for what and why.
Standards and List
To get started, make a list of everything you need to do to keep the house clean, as well as a list of things related to taking care of children. If you’re going to set new standards, you need to start from scratch. This will help you visualize and accept shared responsibility for unpaid housework.
Controlling Wives and Helpless Husbands
Wives may not let their husbands get involved in housework and caring for children, because “he will do everything wrong”, “I’d rather do it myself – it’s not difficult for me.” The helpless husband is “a man lost in the space of a household without a woman,” an image normalized by the media.
Search for arrangements
To make it all work, you’ll have to learn how to negotiate. Marriage negotiation is different from business negotiation, in which each party seeks to maximize its benefits at the expense of the other. This is also not barter (you – to me, I – to you). Take the time to learn how to negotiate with your partner.
Summary
1. In the XNUMXst century, “unintentional sexism” in marriage will not work.
2. Although husbands today usually support their wives in their work, men continue to avoid sharing household chores equally.
3. In order to overcome inequality, men should not wait for their wives to tell them what to do, and women should avoid the habit of over-controlling the order in the house.
4. In order to fairly distribute the load around the house, it is necessary to agree on standards of cleanliness. Make a list to review your beliefs about who should do what around the house. Worry less about cleanliness. And discuss everything.