Warm relationships that devastate

Everyone will certainly have acquaintances, communication with which inspires, literally inhaling strength, the opposite is also familiar: there is a kind of relationship that weakens, internally devastates us. At the same time, any person, depending on the situation, is able to alternately both give energy to others and absorb it, in need of spiritual nourishment.

“Each of us is a potential vampire,” warns psychotherapist Christophe André. “It is in our nature to expect a lot from another, to desire him all, entirely. However, with the experience of real relationships, we understand: with such a strategy, we are unlikely to keep another person next to us, because he suffers and therefore will avoid us.

It is useful to understand more clearly where energy comes from and what takes it away, how we support and infringe on loved ones, then it will become much easier to build harmonious relationships with them. Christophe Andre analyzes in detail the mechanisms of communication of a vampiric nature and those that give us strength, feeding us with their living energy.

Who should you limit your contact with?

Vampiric relationships are easy to recognize by the breakdown that overtakes in communication with a person. They give nothing, emotionally unsettle us. It is easy to outline several portraits of such people, with whom it is worth communicating less often.

• Forever mourning. They are debilitating because their need for sympathy is immeasurable and we can neither fill it, nor even reduce its depth. They entrust us with the mission of saviors, even if we have neither the desire nor the ability to do so. At the same time, they deliberately doom her to failure, since in their hearts they are not at all inclined to accept our advice.
• Dependents. They constantly want confirmation of love and a good attitude towards them, they ask for advice in making the simplest decisions. Childishly clinging, they put us in the position of parents, putting a disproportionate burden of responsibility on our shoulders. And when we try to move away from this imposed role, we are overcome by a sense of guilt.
• Hypersensitive. Their excessive vulnerability forces them to be constantly on the alert. Since everything that happens in a relationship, they are ready to perceive in an unexpected way and interpret in their own way, sometimes writing the plot of a real drama. In response, we are forced to be in constant tension, controlling ourselves in everything.
• Conflicting. They are used to solving any problems through aggression, which, however, does not cost them the slightest effort, because conflict is the element of their existence. On the contrary, those to whom this aggression is directed are devastated by this type of relationship.
• Border trespassers. Their own role in relationships and the boundaries of personal space are always uncertain, and this forces other participants in communication to constantly “tune in”. Since the rules in such relationships are not clearly established, each involved in them involuntarily encroaches on the territory of the other.

Set boundaries

In a vampiric relationship, it is important to keep the right distance so as not to let yourself be pulled into an energy hole. We run the risk of falling under the influence of the pathology of another person, bitterly feeling that we have become its victim, and responding with a stream of our own aggression. We often want to become a savior, and this desire is worth fearing.

Yes, we can often help another, but very rarely we can save him. When the irritation in us rises, it is worth asking ourselves two questions: “Am I the one who should play this role?” and “Should I do it alone?” In any case, the alarm signal is our emotions: if we are uncomfortable, then it’s time to say “stop”.

What attracts us to such relationships

It is not known why such relationships nourish with bright feelings and encourage, sometimes even filling with a sense of bliss. Let’s try to take a closer look at them.

• Pleasant trifles. A compliment from a stranger, a friendly question from a neighbor about how things are at work, a simple friendly gesture serve as confirmation that we and our life are interesting to others. We tend to underestimate such signs of attention, automatically responding politely to them. In the meantime, they reinforce their sense of self-worth. We need relationships of different levels, and such “superficial” connections are no less important to us than strong love or strong friendship. So, a lonely elderly person who has the opportunity to exchange greetings with a familiar saleswoman or a pharmacist of a nearby pharmacy will find in these simple relationships the share of warmth he needs so much.
• Equitable exchange. Relationships that are built on open emotional exchange enrich us because in them we continuously build each other. By opening ourselves to others, we discover something new in ourselves. In such relationships, no one presses and no one obeys – they have only equality and reciprocity. If someone shares his secrets with us, is ready to accept our advice and follow it, then he trusts us, making us the chosen ones. Dialogue on an equal footing energizes both its participants.
• Gift as acquisition. Giving someone our time, help and love, we radiate positive energy. The reciprocal feelings of those who have accepted our gift always increase our self-esteem. And we get no less than the person to whom we give.
• Feeling of agreement with yourself. In what we do, we feel the meaning and benefit for others – having received confirmation of this, we are full of strength. The teacher, who by his labors turned a hopeless loser into a good student, is literally inspired by his success. Such efforts are rewarded in full: when we act in harmony with ourselves and in accordance with our own values, we feel that other people are needed, and we feel almost invincible.

strike a balance

To feel good, we need to emotionally “fill” ourselves from various sources. We get our daily “diet” by communicating with loved ones. But we also need other relationships – those that sometimes knock us out of the usual rut and force us to change.

It is they who awaken dormant desires and hidden possibilities. Aggressive, provocative people, of course, we do not like, but, annoying us, they encourage us to change, develop and grow. Sometimes such “uncomfortable” relationships are the most effective means to renew our strength.