A stretched sweater, “well-deserved” jeans, an old downy scarf … Each of us has a couple of things in the closet that the hand will not rise to throw away – they are dear to our hearts. Where does this special significance come from? How are they related to our past? And what role do they play in the present?
Do you have a favorite item? 38-year-old Elena answers this question without hesitation: “Of course! This tweed jacket – I feel very elegant and attractive in it. And I don’t care that it’s far from the latest collection!” This jacket for Elena is a kind of fetish. Like that dark blue tie with the smallest yellow speck, in which the 52-year-old Yevgeny holds meetings every Monday: “It gives me confidence.” Or black boats, in which Valeria, 35 years old, seems to herself “lighter, fitter”. Such a thing invariably fuels us with narcissistic pleasure in our own appearance. “This choice is not random,” says Gestalt therapist Maria Andreeva. “We unconsciously assign to the role of a “fetish” a thing associated with some significant moment in our life or a vivid emotional state – pride, victory, a joyful feeling of harmony with the world.”
But there are things we love of a different kind, and in them we do not at all strive to demonstrate ourselves to others. Frankly, we don’t even care how we look in them – for us they are out of time, fashion and the views of other people. They are always at hand or, conversely, languish in the bowels of the closet for a long time – until the need arises. They are beautiful or have a completely unsightly appearance and worn to holes. Nevertheless, we love these things very much – for a long time and unconditionally. We seem to be related to them, we feel really comfortable in them, we feel like ourselves.
A piece of childhood
Such a thing for us is like a favorite children’s toy that we carried with us everywhere and fell asleep with her in our arms. A plush hare, a dog or a bear soothed, instilling a sense of peace. And today, the pleasant, cozy sensations from the contact of the “native” thing with the skin also return us to childhood, when we, who made the first independent steps and discoveries, our favorite toy gave a feeling of security, maternal love and care.
Later, in adolescence and already adulthood, our favorite clothes become a kind of analogue of that children’s toy for us. We may need it only at certain times of the day, for example, at the moment of awakening or, conversely, before going to bed. Or when we are sad and lonely. Or if you need to gather strength and focus before some important business. At such moments, the “native” thing – just like in the first years of our life – instills in us peace and confidence that everything will be fine. “The attitude towards the object of our affection becomes deeper and more meaningful with age,” says Maria Andreeva, “it itself acquires a certain symbolic meaning, embodies the memory of someone.” Therefore, we may have several such favorite things.
A trail of admiring glance
It happens that things become loved because they remind us of someone’s admiring gaze turned on us. The look of someone who was very important and dear to us at a certain period of life. They bring to mind the very special attention we received when we put them on. “Wearing these clothes, we seem to put on that inspiring look again, and this gives us confidence,” explains Maria Andreeva. – We begin to experience the pleasure of our ability to please other people in the first months of life. We first find it in the admiring gaze of the mother, which nourishes our self-confidence and calmness. Then, as soon as we learn to walk, we see that we are loved, admired by other people, while paying special attention to our appearance and clothing. Later, when some significant person looks at us with admiration and love, we can also unconsciously draw a parallel with what we are wearing at that moment and remember it.
For 34-year-old Anastasia, black jeans have become such a thing. “They were worn by my older sister. I was fifteen, she was twenty. I was chubby, she was slim and beautiful, for me she was almost the most beautiful in the world. I secretly tried on her clothes, and I especially liked these jeans. It seemed to me that in them I become like a sister. Once she asked: “Do you like it? Take it if you want. They really suit you.” Since then, every time I feel tired, ugly and in a bad mood, I wear these jeans to regain my confidence. My sister seems to be around again and says that I am beautiful. What difference does it make that these jeans are out of fashion and frayed at the seams!”
Reconnect in time
A FAVORITE THING IS ABLE TO RETURN US TO THE FEELING OF PRESENCE AND SUPPORT OF A LOVED PERSON. A FEELING THAT IS DIFFICULT TO OVERESTATE.
Sometimes a warm response in the soul can give rise to the thing itself, and its detail or the material from which it is sewn. One touch can evoke a whole string of memories, and in particular – about those with whom we had to part. 42-year-old Lyudmila did not imagine how it was possible to have any special affection for clothes until she had to move to live in another country. “I chose for a long time what things I would take with me and what I would leave. As a result, the most necessary thing for me to survive abroad was an old cashmere scarf that my grandfather used to wear. And this despite the fact that in Dubai, where my husband and I went, the average annual temperature is under 30. It took me such a radical change in my life in order to realize how important this piece of wool is to me. Not only important, but essential! “Often the things that we inherited become the most expensive for us,” comments Maria Andreeva. “Not at all because of their material value, but thanks to that huge emotional support and a sense of stability in life, which gives us a sense of belonging to our family, to a series of generations.” 23-year-old Christina recalls how, during the state exams, she wanted to get out of the closet an old, soft, already out of shape T-shirt, which her mother gave her a few years ago, and sleep only in it. “There are situations in our lives that disturb our inner sense of security in a special way,” writes psychotherapist Sarah Stern. – It can be an illness, a test, some kind of loss, or, for example, pregnancy, which always brings a woman back to the experiences of her childhood and relationship with her own mother. At such moments, you want to wrap yourself in something soft, warm, tender, in order to regain peace of mind.
And the 48-year-old Cyril got such a “native” thing after the death of his father. “We were in Asia filming when my mother told me on the phone that my father was no more. I flew to Moscow, completely forgetting that it was winter on the calendar. At the transfer at the airport, I bought the first sweater that came across – blue, with a high neck, which I never wore. He warmed me at a difficult time in my life. Since then, this thing reminds me of my father. When I get sick, work at night or go on a business trip, I put it on.
* S. Stern, C. Joubert “Undress me” (Hachette Literature, Pluriel, 2007).