Want or Should: 5 Honest Questions to Yourself

About 20 years ago, the question “And who in your family cleans up and washes the dishes?” didn’t require thought. Of course, a woman! In most cases, by default, her “track record” included responsibilities for raising children, household chores, caring for her husband. At the same time, take care of yourself in order to be in shape. Yes! Still work on a par with a man.

This is not a reproach to the strong half of humanity. This is a statement of fact: cultural and social attitudes did not suggest otherwise. However, let’s be honest: women themselves are not averse to building a career, achieving success, and leading an active social life. However, other responsibilities are not removed from them. Or some women themselves are not ready to give them away. Is it really? How satisfied are they with their multitasking? Has the role of women in society changed over the past 20-30 years?

On the one hand, yes, because more and more men declare that they do not want to consider their companion as a universal soldier. They want to spend more time with her together and are ready to share the responsibilities of the housework and raising children. On the other hand, traditions and the historically established family way of life are still strong, when a woman works the second shift at home.

Let’s try to answer a few questions:

1. Am I doing what I want or what I need to do?

Before you take any action — from a simple household trifle (going to the grocery store) to a serious decision (changing jobs), ask yourself: is it born out of my desire? We so often fail to recognize the boundaries that separate our own needs from the need to satisfy the needs of others. Especially when it comes to loved ones. The list of necessary tasks that we solve for others is small for someone, and for someone it takes up most of all the cases. It is clear that our life is a mix of such activities. But how do you strike a balance? First, let’s try to analyze our list.

An exercise

Take a sheet of paper. Write the things that you have already done today and that you still have to do before the end of the day, leaving an empty space on the right, next to each item.

When the list is complete (do not limit yourself, write everything you remember, every little thing), next to each item, write “I want” or “need”. If you find it difficult to determine your own feelings on any of the points, say it out loud and try to feel how your body responds. Is the energy increasing or decreasing? Do you enjoy thinking about this action, or does the thought of it cause a pulling feeling of heaviness? If the second, then feel free to write the word “must” next to it. If at the thought of action it is easy for you, bright images are born in your head, and your body becomes warm, then there is a desire and the word “I want”.

Analyze the list for the ratio of “want” items to “must” items. Most likely, the number of “must” points will be in advantage. Try to look now at your list with different eyes: what can you refuse? What is the worst thing that happens if you don’t do something from the “must” column? Keep fantasizing and being afraid. Bring the fantasy to the point of absurdity. You will be surprised, but at the end of the chain it will turn out that all fears are exaggerated. And we may well say to ourselves and others: “I won’t do this because I don’t want to.”

2. Can I prioritize?

Our everyday life, like a snowball, is rolling, gaining momentum and volume of tasks. We often remind ourselves of the character of a once popular electronic toy. The wolf catches eggs with a basket, which constantly roll from perches. Tireless laying hens add speed, and now gray rushes around the screen, unable to catch all the eggs. A familiar picture? Have you been in the skin of a wolf?

An exercise

Grab some sheets of paper and a pen. Write down all the things you have to do tomorrow. What happens if I don’t do this? Can this somehow affect further events and create unnecessary problems for me? Or am I afraid of being scolded? Or maybe there are things that can be postponed until next week? Or should you ask someone to help?

3. Whose desire is it — mine or a loved one?

When we were little, our parents decided a lot for us. Up to a certain point, this is how it should be. But each child has one of his leading needs — self-determination, autonomy. It manifests itself especially brightly in children at the age of three, when they say: «I myself.» This need for independence persists until the end of life. We always want to make decisions ourselves, act at our own peril and risk and not be afraid of other people’s assessments. Such adults grow out of children whose parents instilled confidence in their abilities and allowed them to make mistakes, showing how they could do it another time.

But sometimes parents won’t let their kids go, even when they grow up. It seems to them that they know better what their daughter or son needs. Many of us follow mom and dad’s lead, creating a sense of parental control and self-doubt. How to determine whose desire is now speaking in me? Maybe this is what my mother or teacher still wants from me? What do I want?

An exercise

Write a list of your «wants». Check each item: is it exactly your desire or do you want to be a good girl for mom, grandma or dad? Or maybe you are running someone else’s program? For example, they went to study for the profession that their parents dreamed of. Or you bought a house in the country, but you hate to dig in the ground. But your mother dreamed of such a house. And so you drive every weekend through traffic jams outside the city, hating the dacha and everything that grows on it. This exercise requires a certain amount of courage. But do not immediately break the existing life. At first, it is enough to simply discover other people’s desires among your own.

4. What do I want for myself?

This question often plunges many women into a stupor. They know perfectly well what their children, partners, leaders want. But what they themselves want remains outside the brackets for them. Sometimes a limitation breaks into our fantasies: “I don’t have money for this.” Or now it’s not up to it: “I’ll finish my 220 things, and then already …” This is a very difficult task for many women — to give themselves space and time for themselves, because they are not used to it.

An exercise

Let’s remove all the restrictions immediately. Imagine (everything is possible in fantasy!), that you have a lot of money and complete freedom from any kind of burden. Take some sheets of paper. Write a list of what you would do right now — at least ten items. Write whatever comes to mind. Do you have thirty points? Fine! Keep writing. Look at this list. Go through each item. Is there a way to fulfill them in your current reality? You wanted to go to the sea, but there is no money for a flight and renting an apartment. But what if you find fellow travelers and go by car and with tents? And so on all counts. You will be surprised, but most of our fears and barriers are the fruit of our imagination. And many fantasies are achievable.

5. Can I pause and give myself gifts?

We know how to take care of others, often to the detriment of ourselves. A decline in energy, devastation, illness — this is the price of such a careless attitude towards oneself. And if we pay attention to ourselves, we feel guilt and shame. Learning to love yourself is necessary but not easy for many women. How are you doing with this? Start small.

An exercise

We are writing again. Take two sheets of paper. On one, write down the nice little things that you have allowed yourself over the past few months. Maybe you went to the bath with your girlfriends or walked through the forest? Or sat in silence with a book and a cup of tea? Or did you allow yourself to turn off your phone and lie in silence in the sun? Write down everything that comes to mind. On the second sheet, write down everything that could give you pleasure. What could it be? Have you written? Now check which of the list you want to do first and when. Determine the exact date and put it on the calendar. And now — attention! Make a promise to yourself to keep that promise.

Compare how many pleasant little things you mentioned in the first list, and how much joy you are ready to deliver to yourself in the second? If the first sheet has the same number of points, then you are moving in the right direction, continue in the same spirit. If not enough, take a look at the second list: what could you implement today? What else are you willing to indulge in?

Want to know more about yourself? Walk along link. There you will find a few more honest questions for yourself, answering which you will become a little freer and happier.