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Is it possible that soon our close relationship will move into virtual reality, where we can not only see each other, but also feel touch? Or is there nothing that can replace face-to-face conversation and wild sex in a real, not 3D, bed? What is behind our desire to communicate in absentia and often incognito? And will this form of communication benefit everyone?
Likes instead of flowers and sweets
Who would have imagined that in social networks, behind the scenes of smart posts and links to useful resources, serious love passions flare up? But before the action moves backstage, something else begins to happen in the open space. The Web has its own algorithm for caring for a vending account. And if earlier it was not easy to get acquainted with the person you liked, now it is a matter of one or two clicks.
“If I liked some woman, at first I would just like her posts,” explains engineering psychologist Denis Makarhin. — Then — likes with emoticons. Then I’ll start commenting. If the lady is ready to continue communication, she will respond either with a smiley face or with a complimentary comment. And finally, I turn to private messages, already hidden from prying eyes.
Denis tested this algorithm on himself, which works XNUMX% with ladies ready for communication. With all the girls and women with whom the experiment was completed, events unfolded approximately the same way. It’s just that everyone’s goals are different.
According to Denis, relationships on the Web can be divided into three groups.
Now situations are very common when, in addition to her husband, a woman has two lovers — a real one and a virtual one.
First: people get to know each other and communicate, never getting to know each other in reality. They understand that they are unlikely to ever meet — either they are not free, or distance or social status interfere. Often they do not even show their faces — instead of photos, their accounts contain other people’s images, cartoon or movie characters. They are content with chatting, Skype, instant messengers. And it can last for months or even years.
The second: the couple meets in reality and goes into virtuality. “One of my interlocutors told how, during a vacation in Turkey, a Turk was persistently courting her. On the eve of her departure, her bastions collapsed. And for several months now, there has been no sex with my husband, but passions are running high on Skype with a Turk.”
Third: Acquaintance is born in virtuality and turns into reality. Sometimes people even build serious relationships, up to marriage. And sometimes people go back to virtuality, continuing to maintain passion there.
Among young people under 20 and a little older, it is fashionable to get acquainted not only in social networks, but also in game chats, on thematic forums. The range of interests is already clear and there are common topics for starting a conversation. Here the “candy-bouquet stage” is completely simplified.
“Now there are very common situations when, in addition to her husband, a woman has two lovers — a real one and a virtual one. And my interlocutors claim that in terms of the strength of feelings, an online romance is much richer.
And I recognize the sweetheart by his gait
“There is an illusion and danger in this,” retorts Gestalt therapist Marianna Chugunova. — Of course, it is easier to build relationships with a virtual character and your own ideas about him than with a living man or woman. But you must be aware that you are communicating with the notion of another person. Moreover, you yourself can come up with any image you like, far from the real you. It turns out that this is a relationship of two fakes.
And even if they want to go into reality, they will have to expose themselves to each other. How can they do it after they have been building the scenery with such tenacity?
“In my personal experience (and I am not married and now out of a relationship) there were cases when my interlocutors and I devirtualized. Even if a real photo was published in the account, the real “portrait” at the meeting often differs significantly from the photo. It is always a lottery, and disappointment is often very painful. And it is quite expected to hear the phrase: “But I didn’t imagine you at all.” After which there will be no continuation.
Even a video chat on Skype can’t replace a live first look
We do not see the whole interlocutor on the computer screen, we do not notice his gait, we do not understand whether he is sitting now in trousers from Galliano or in family shorts with daisies from the Ivanovo factory.
Micro gestures, facial expressions, clothing, posture, subtle signals just create the impression of the first seconds when we understand: our person. I’m not talking about smells, which play a huge role in identifying «friend or foe.» We are not only a picture on the screen, but also a set of hormones, secretions, perfume, and finally, which can cause a passionate desire in someone, and disgust in someone.
Open a window in the Johari Window
Why do people start romances on the other side of the monitor?
“Each of us wants to satisfy certain needs in any relationship. And if we can’t do it in real life, we are looking for satisfaction in virtuality, says Denis Makarhin. — Many of my interlocutors need warmth, recognition, love. They are looking for someone who can realize their wildest fantasies. Sometimes it is possible even without physical touch — just with the right words. Although … new technologies now allow even a kiss to be transmitted, so that one partner, putting his lips to the screen of his phone, literally kisses him through the partner’s phone screen.
And this is not the limit, the expert is sure. Not far off are the days when we will be able to have sex at a distance of thousands of kilometers from each other with a full «presence effect». Equally important is the need for self-development.
Communication on the Web allows you to open your blind spots, which gives a feeling of novelty and self-improvement.
There is such a thing in psychology as the “Window of Johari”. According to the theory stated by two Americans in 1955, each person has four zones: open, blind, hidden and unknown.
In the open zone are those qualities that are known to him and recognized by others. In the hidden — what is known to a person, but not known to others. In the blind zone — what others see, but the subject himself does not realize in himself. And in the unknown zone there is something that no one knows about a person — neither himself nor others.
Our resource and opportunity for growth lies precisely in expanding the open area as much as possible by reducing the other three. And then, demonstrating qualities from the hidden zone, we allow ourselves to open in a new way. We can ask people questions, get feedback, and through their knowledge of us, reduce the blind spot.
And finally, there are qualities that we would like to have. This is where the unknown zone comes in. Often these qualities are manifested in extreme situations and in unusual conditions.
“One girl explained to me the bonuses from virtual communication: she had a year-long romance on the Web, thanks to him she improved her communication skills. For example, it was difficult for her before to ask for help and support, including financial support. She learned it on the web.»
Grudges between the lines
“In reality, we rarely share our true, deepest desires. It’s not easy to tell, says Denis Makarhin. — In correspondence, we are more open, we are easier to confess, for example, in sexual fantasies. Remember the movie The Pianist starring Isabelle Huppert? Unable to speak her fantasies out loud, she writes a candid letter to a student who is in love with her. Of course, this is cinematic hyperbole, but for many people it is really easier to open up in correspondence than in private.
When you write, you do not immediately see the reaction, and therefore you are not afraid of rejection. You are more likely to be heard. For those who react painfully to the emotionality of the interlocutor, correspondence is salvation. No loud voice is heard in her, no raised eyebrows are visible. It is better for such people to express their thoughts in writing.
There is time to think before answering, take a deep breath and comprehend — did I correctly interpret the interlocutor’s appeal?
But correspondence does not at all guarantee complete mutual understanding, says Marianna Chugunova. The peculiarity of written speech is that a person on the other side of the screen perceives words in his own way. The lack of facial expressions, posture, gestures is often misleading. And even emojis and emoticons do not save — they are also understood by everyone in their own way.
“One of my boyfriend, in response to a message that my father’s friend died, sent a smiley with tears and a smile from the top of his mouth. He thought it meant sobbing, not laughing to tears. People write neutral things to us, but the most harmless words hurt us. That is why there are so many holivars and scandals in the vastness of social networks and forums.
Real adrenaline — in reality
If a person does not have relationships in reality, then sometimes a virtual romance is a chance to find them. But if a third, even virtual, suddenly appears in an existing couple, this is a cry for help, Marianna Chugunova is convinced.
“This means that there is a problem in the couple that the partners cannot or do not want to solve. Of course, it’s easier to build new relationships on the side, because every time it’s a feeling of novelty, falling in love, hormones, stupefaction. Romance is attractive. The real risk is not taking 150 cavaliers and stacking them like trophies. The risk is to build a relationship with your partner. Gain courage and say what you don’t like and what desires you have. And start to deal with it, to explore, to be interested, to clarify.
But people prefer to run away from intimacy with their partner and replace it with a virtual surrogate.
“Why in business, in everyday matters, do we allow ourselves to conclude a contract for a year or three, and not for life? Then we either renew it by signing new agreements, or terminate it. But for some reason we don’t do that in relationships. But the situation in a couple is constantly changing. Today, the woman became pregnant and gave birth to a child, the husband financially provides for both of them — the same terms of the contract. Then she hires a nanny and goes to work, her relationship with a man changes — again resetting the conditions. We put forward the same demands to each other over and over again.”
No technology can replace real passionate sex with a desired partner or a warm conversation with a girlfriend in the kitchen.
We need constant testing of reality and updating the contract between partners. Another thing is when, in virtuality or in reality, we allow ourselves a slight flirtation — without crossing the boundaries that are permissible in a particular pair. This keeps us in good shape and raises self-esteem in the eyes of a partner. «I’m still on the market, I’m desirable,» the woman thinks. And in a normal relationship, a man is impressed that his lady evokes admiring glances from other “males”.
The same applies to signs of attention of other «females» to a partner.
“A few months ago, a young man called me and offered theater tickets. I responded by jokingly inviting him to my divorce proceedings. There, I say, there will be a drama, and a thriller, and a western, and a comedy. Starring me, my ex-husband, our son and lawyers. We laughed and hung up. After some time, he began to look after me in WhatsApp. He is 24 years old, which is almost half as much as me. And I understand that we will never meet for a relationship. But I like admiration and compliments. I feel wanted and wanted.»
There are examples when women increase their own self-esteem with the help of virtual compliments. It seems to them that they are uninteresting, unattractive, and suddenly they get feedback: “You are sexy”, “You are charming”.
“Real relationships will increasingly go into the virtual space, these are the trends,” says Denis Makarhin.
“Due to traffic jams, long distances, the flow of information that falls upon us, the virtual world is gaining more and more space and time. But no technology can replace real passionate sex with a desired partner or a warm conversation with a girlfriend in the kitchen,” says Marianna Chugunova.