Virtual love: is it possible to find happiness on the Internet

Fans of modern technology predict that the time is not far off when close relationships will move into virtual reality – because soon we will be able to not only see each other there, but also feel the touch. Their opponents argue that nothing can replace face-to-face conversation and rough sex in a real, not 3D, bed. But everyone agrees on one thing: a new sexual revolution has taken place. And she makes millions of men and women fall to their gadget screens. Different motives bring us to the parallel world of nicknames and avatars. The fulfillment of fantasies, the search for a handsome prince, playing Carmen or Don Juan – there is a place for all desires and psychological types on the Web. What are we really looking for in virtuality? And will this form of communication benefit everyone?

Why are we on the web?

The main reason why we go to flirt in the virtual world is the desire to escape loneliness, says sexologist Mireille Bonierbal. “It can be an attempt to recreate family life or a desire to spend an evening, a weekend or a vacation with someone. There’s something soothing about comparing the internet to a natural, living environment that allows you to connect with others and keep hoping.” But why not communicate in real life? Lack of time and public morality interfere. “People used to get to know each other mainly at work, but over the past decade, this has become viewed with condemnation,” continues Mireille Bonyerbal. – This is partly due to the fact that the topic of sexual harassment at work has slightly cooled the relationship between men and women. The Internet is taking over from office romances.”

Maxim, a 36-year-old lawyer, would certainly agree with this: “I work 12 hours a day among those who, like me, are absorbed in business. It would never cross my mind that I could have other relationships with female colleagues than working ones. But, returning home, I immediately plunge into the Internet. Today, Maxim’s personal life consists of virtual relationships and rare real meetings.

“The Internet allows single people to resist the pressure of society to impose family life at any cost,” adds sexologist Gonzag de Laroque. We no longer have to get married to enjoy communication, warmth, recognition. “In any relationship, we are looking for satisfaction of our needs,” emphasizes engineering psychologist Denis Makarhin. “And if we can’t get it in real life, we look for satisfaction in virtuality. Sometimes it is possible even without physical touch – just with the right words.” Although new technologies allow even a kiss to be transmitted through the screen.

On the phone

Some of those who come online to support themselves are rewarded with stable relationships. “I’ve been on dating sites since I was 18 to raise my self-esteem,” admits 30-year-old Anastasia. – Periodically met with someone. My husband and I met there 10 years ago. I noticed him when instead of the standard “Hi, how are you?” he wrote an unimaginable phrase: “I wanted to have sex with you, but I see that you are not suitable for this purpose, you are too smart.” Much later, my husband answered my question why he started the conversation with such a strange phrase: “How else could I interest you?”

According to some reports, online dating contributes to the establishment of long-term relationships no less than meeting offline. This was confirmed by an online survey by British psychologist Geoffrey Gavin. He asked to describe the most significant relationship that began online. He was answered by 229 visitors to dating sites aged 18-65 years. 94% of them after the first meeting “in real life” wanted to meet again. 18% of the relationship lasted more than a year.

You can get acquainted not only on specialized sites and social networks. Young people prefer game chats and thematic forums: the range of interests is already clear and there are common topics for conversation. The “candy-bouquet stage” is simplified. But this does not mean that everything is simplified.

Fake control

“Two factors play an important role on the Internet: the idealization of the other and the provision of carefully dosed information about oneself,” emphasizes Gonzag de Laroque. – In reality, we communicate in the same way, but in the virtual space, where bodily and non-verbal signs are absent, both of these phenomena are enhanced. All information is interpreted distortedly, and the transition to a closer level of communication occurs faster and more intensively. A playful compliment, an unexpected message, an understatement that turns into a hint – and the prohibitions are lifted, and the imagination works intensively. There is a growing romantic certainty that “someone somewhere is waiting for me.”

There is a danger in this illusion, continues Gestalt therapist Marina Yalova: “Of course, it is easier to build relationships with a virtual character and your own ideas about him than with a living man or woman. But it is better to be aware that you are communicating with the notion of another person. Moreover, you yourself can come up with any image that is far from reality. It turns out that this is a relationship of two fakes.

And if we want to move into reality, we will have to expose ourselves to each other. Can we do it after we have worked so hard to build the scenery? “In my personal experience, there were cases when my interlocutors and I devirtualized,” admits the Gestalt therapist. “Even if the real photo was published in the account, the real “portrait” at the meeting often differed significantly from the photo.” An acquaintance made on the Web is always a lottery, and when we meet, we may be disappointed. There is a chance to hear: “I didn’t imagine you like that at all” – or to think the same thing. Perhaps that is why the most forward-thinking online dating lovers choose to use a webcam as a prerequisite for communication or, after chatting, switch to video conversations.

But even the video does not eliminate errors and misreading each other. We do not see the entire interlocutor on the computer screen, we do not notice his gait, we do not know whether he is currently sitting in trousers from Galliano or in stretched sweatpants. “Micro gestures, facial expressions, clothes, posture, subtle signals just create the impression of the first seconds when we understand: our man,” Marina Yalova is convinced. – Not to mention smells, which play a huge role in identifying “friend or foe.” We are not only a picture on the screen, but also a set of hormones, perfume, the smell of sweat, and finally, all this can cause a passionate desire for someone, and disgust for someone.

But despite the risk, millions of people continue to play the lottery of happiness. Why?

Happiness is when you are understood

“In reality, we rarely share our true, deep desires,” explains Denis Makarhin. – In correspondence, we are more open, easier to confess, for example, in sexual fantasies. Remember the movie The Pianist starring Isabelle Huppert? She is unable to express her thoughts aloud and writes a candid letter to a student in love with her. Of course, this is cinematic hyperbole, but for many it is really easier to open up in writing than in person. When we write in a chat, we do not see an instant reaction, and therefore we are not so afraid of rejection. We are more likely to be listened to – no one will hang up in their hearts and close the door in front of their faces.

But correspondence does not at all guarantee complete mutual understanding, says Marina Yalova. The peculiarity of written speech is that a person on the other side of the screen perceives words in his own way. The lack of facial expressions, posture, gestures is often misleading. And even emojis and emoticons do not save – they are also understood by everyone in their own way. “I wrote a post: my father’s friend died. A friend answered with a smile with a smile in his mouth and tears from his eyes, – the Gestalt therapist gives an example. He thought it meant sobbing. People write us seemingly neutral things, but the most harmless words hurt us. That is why disputes and scandals flare up so quickly in the vastness of social networks and forums. And those who are objectionable are immediately sent to the ban.

real feelings

Not all virtual dating will turn into reality. Some relationships will forever remain in the looking glass of the Internet. Nevertheless, the emotions that we get in them are very real. “When we allow ourselves light flirting without crossing the boundaries allowed in a particular couple, it keeps us on our toes and raises our value in the eyes of a partner,” says the Gestalt therapist. I’m still desirable, the woman thinks. In a real relationship, a man is often impressed that his lady evokes admiring glances from others. The same applies to signs of attention from other women to a partner.

Compliments appearing on the screen “You are sexy!”, “You are charming!” help us actually straighten our shoulders. And we begin to notice interested looks, we ourselves are ready to meet others halfway, and life really changes. “Due to traffic jams, long distances, the flow of information that falls upon us, the virtual world is gaining more and more space and time,” Marina Yalova is sure. “But no technology can replace real passionate sex with a desired partner or a warm conversation with a friend in a cozy cafe.”