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How others see us affects our self-esteem and can even change us, internally and externally. We are appreciated – and we like ourselves more, we are loved – and we are good.
“I felt like a beauty during the week that I was visiting a friend in Italy,” admits 38-year-old Alena. – Full of sympathy, the views of strangers returned my faith in myself – and she was greatly shaken after the divorce. Arriving, out of inertia, I smiled at passers-by … but they were in no hurry to smile back. In the office (I work in a large company), colleagues greeted me – but no more. Impersonal, functional relationships in the team have developed for a long time, but before that it seemed normal to me. And here for the first time I felt disappointment, confusion and even some kind of loneliness.
A friendly look is better than any mirrors and scales by which we judge ourselves and our appearance. Feeling interesting, pleasant, beautiful, we really become like that. How does this mysterious transforming power work?
The power of a loving look
In the life of each of us there is a first glance – the one with which our mother looked at us. Attentive or enthusiastic, infinitely tender or indifferent… “From this look, the baby literally absorbs all maternal feelings and emotions,” explains psychoanalyst Anatoly Borsuchenko-Dolgopolov. “That’s how the foundations of his personality begin to take shape.” However, the expert emphasizes, “the attitude of a mother or father to their child is never one-dimensional and unambiguous.” Admiration (“I have a daughter!”) Or involuntary disappointment (“Again a girl …”) – the beginning of every human life is influenced by the unconscious desires and expectations of parents. So, if a father or mother sees in a child only their own continuation – the one who must embody their desires and dreams – he, trying to earn parental love, gradually renounces his own desires and eventually becomes a stranger to himself. “He can become very dependent on the opinions of others and spend a lot of effort to please everyone,” says Anatoly Borsuchenko-Dolgopolov. “On the contrary, if from the first months of life a child feels that his parents are happy, that he is valuable to them and they love him as he is, a feeling of self-love arises in him, which will always support him and help him in life.”
As 42-year-old Marina recalls, in childhood, her parents affectionately called her both “the beautiful princess” and “our tomboy.” “They gave me an invaluable gift: I felt like a beautiful girl and at the same time I could run around the yard with the boys or, for example, do aeromodelling. I have never had to suffer questions about my appearance, I like myself the way I am, and I can do what I like.
Feeling good about ourselves enough to avoid wasting time worrying about our appearance is that “good narcissism” that gives us confidence that we are valuable just the way we are. Otherwise, no effort to correct external imperfections will heal souls. Does this mean that those who do not get the nourishing power of a mother’s first glance are doomed to dislike themselves? “This is not always the case,” reassuring psychologist Yevgeny Osin. “We can make up for the lack of self-love later by working on our family history step by step through healing encounters with friendship and love.”
The softness of a friendly look
Since childhood, 27-year-old Aliya considered herself a gray mouse. She, the middle of three sisters and two brothers, was not singled out in the family. But one day she agreed to the offer of a friend who was studying to be a stylist, to become a model for her graduation photo shoot. “Slim profile, gorgeous hair, legs from the ears… At first I thought she was talking about someone else!” Looking at herself with different eyes, the girl saw “a bright, maybe even beautiful woman.” This discovery greatly changed her attitude towards herself and the way she communicated with others.
“The respectful attention of others, their fair attitude and their recognition of our value help us to see ourselves more clearly and feel that we have the right to be ourselves,” explains Evgeny Osin. “Truly supports the view of someone who benevolently perceives the differences and special features of another,” says psychoanalyst and sexologist Catherine Blanc (Catherine Blanc). “And with his compliments or advice, he helps us to reveal our own beauty, which was previously not visible due to a lack of self-esteem or faith in ourselves.” At the same time, the psychoanalyst adds, being too direct about shortcomings – figure, manner of dressing, hairstyle or makeup – can be very painful, because here we risk “touching the emotional wounds of another (for example, a feeling of rejection in childhood), about which we know nothing “. Not to mention the fact that a share of unconscious rivalry and jealousy can be hidden in a friendly look; it is always influenced by our own history, and therefore we are subjective. 46-year-old Inna is hard pressed by the fact that she “blurred”, and even harder – compliments like “how do you like such appetizing forms!” from the lips of a friend who herself “goes on a diet, as soon as she adds a pound.” “A friendly look encourages and comforts when it reveals to us something that we ourselves consider to be true,” says Catherine Blanc. “Only he and the look of a lover make us beautiful.”
The power of a loving look
“He has a truly magical power,” says Catherine Blanc. “Thanks to him, we feel unique, and this makes us self-confident: the body is liberated, the eyes shine, the face lights up with a smile …” Nina’s love transformed 30-year-old Sergey, who was always embarrassed by his “big baby doll” body: that even with my 20 kilos overweight, I can feel attractive: for the first time in my life, women have become interested in me!” But much depends on whether we read love in the eyes of another or only desire. “Those who feel only lust for us are eager to satisfy their needs with us,” Evgeny Osin emphasizes. “In his eyes, we are only objects of desire. Whereas for the lover we are both the object and the subject in a love relationship. A loving look perceives us in our human wholeness and therefore makes us beautiful.
Our appearance is part of our unique personality. She is always open to the views of others – evaluating, benevolent, categorical … A look is able to discourage or give strength, destroy or revive. So let us remember this when we look at other people. And especially for themselves.
Pass the tests
- Are you ready to change your look?