Victoria Tolstoganova: “I want to live my childhood again”

Her car is parked in the parking lot of our photography studio. The 34-year-old movie star opens the driver’s door – and for a moment there is a strange feeling of error: it can’t be, it’s not her! A short, fragile girl in jeans, sneakers, without makeup (favorite everyday style) – and you won’t pay attention on the street. And after half an hour it is impossible to take your eyes off her: a nondescript “figure without a face” reincarnates into a charming, bright, with a dazzling smile and a soft voice, an actress who knows her own worth. Patiently, without a shadow of embarrassment, professionally – for the umpteenth time! She poses for the cover of a magazine…

It seems that nature endowed this woman with an amazing property of a chameleon: she sculpts her different roles as if not from herself, but from some other material that has nothing to do with her personality. She is able to be persistent and timid, tough and gentle, fearless and vulnerable. And to turn into a dazzling beauty for her, it seems, is generally easier than a lung.

In a conversation, Vika gives the impression of a strong, self-confident person who always knows well what he is doing and why. The key word here is “does”, because she works a lot, with high quality and with enthusiasm. But at the same time he knows how to prioritize in life. At the age of 33, having already gained a reputation as a serious, promising actress, Vika gave birth to a daughter, Varvara, and, without hesitation, left the screen world for almost a whole year. And now, working on two projects at once and preparing for new ones, at the same time she feels absolutely happy in the family circle – in her words, “for discussing children’s poop.” Talented, in demand and famous, she is actively engaged in her favorite profession, cherishes the feelings of her husband and close friends, selflessly takes care of her 10-month-old daughter and is not going to stop there. Isn’t this what every woman dreams of today?

Briefly and clearly

Where do you draw your energy from?

From everywhere: from friends, from books. From daughter and husband.

Are you playing for life?

I hope no. There is no strength left for this.

Is there someone you would like to be like?

I never compare myself to anyone.

Can you learn from other people’s mistakes?

No, unfortunately, I study only on my own.

If you had another life…

I would not have lived it the same way, I would have corrected a lot.

Do you like it or, conversely, are you afraid of the unknown?

I always said that this is the most beautiful thing in life.

Are you a doer or contemplative? Are you reaching your goals or do you believe in destiny?

I believe in fate and therefore I try to achieve what I want. After all, fate goes towards those who act.

Psychologies: In life, you do not build an image in any way – you avoid cosmetics, bright clothes. Are you doing this consciously?

Victoria Tolstoganova: No, I don’t do anything like that on purpose. In any case, I never “work for others.” For example, I don’t care at all how someone will react to my outfit, if I myself like it. Although I usually listen to the opinion of my husband.

Do you feel beautiful?

V.T.: You know, once, when I was thirteen, I was riding the subway. Glancing casually at my reflection in the black glass, for some reason I thought: “Wow, how beautiful I am!” Since then, it has not mattered to me who and in what forms shows interest in me. On the contrary, before marriage, as a rule, I myself paid attention to this or that “object”. And at the same time, she never attached more importance to her own beauty than she deserves. After all, beauty is not an absolute value for anyone – except for magazines that specialize in fashion. In life, the concept of “beautiful person” implies not only an attractive appearance, but also intelligence, goodwill, charm. By the way, that’s why it doesn’t really matter to me how I look without makeup …

You once said that for you the main quality of a woman is femininity. What do you understand by this word?

V.T.: This is an inner mood for peace, for harmony with the people around. It implies some subtlety of perception, tenderness. But femininity does not mean weakness.

Do you have this quality?

V.T.: I hope so… although I often catch myself in men’s thoughts. I love men, I understand them very well and I know a lot about them – I know, as it were, through myself, and not through their actions. By the way, as a child, I cut my hair short and asked my grandmother to call me Vitya. And then she was terribly offended when she forgot and called Vika … But since I am not destined to be a man, then I am not going to refuse the feminine. In this sense, I am a very down to earth person.

Does the man who lives in you along with the woman never conflict with her?

V.T.: They have a romance there! (Laughs.) As for human relations, I really like the classic combination of male and female principles. I like the attitude of a woman – to femininity, and for a man – to the force that you want to obey.

Are there women in your environment whom you could call ideal from this point of view?

V.T.: Of course there is. Here, for example, for example … (Laughs.) When you need to urgently say – you will never remember! Well, for example, my mother … Yes, yes, she is definitely feminine.

Are you like her?

V.T.: I think no. She is better – a soft person, very responsive and subtle. She devoted her whole life first to us – her four daughters, and now to my Varvara. She has a difficult life, but her boundless kindness and patience have always surprised and delighted me. I’m a little jealous of her qualities. I’m not nearly as patient as my mother.

Do you like the way she raised you?

V.T.: Yes. In her upbringing, everything is based on absolute understanding and dedication. Mom was never strict, demanding of us. Is it correct? It seems to me that children can be stricter. Although, probably, kindness is still much more important than any formal restrictions. At least, judging by my younger sisters, who now live with their mother, they love her with some incredible love! They can’t live a single day without it. Mom worked as a nanny in the same family for many years. And the girl she raised there also calls her “mom” and loves her to death. But now I took it and stole it from all my sisters! (Laughs.) I took her to her place so that she could live with my Varya while I was filming.

Even though you were raised by the same parents, do you and your sisters seem to be different?

V.T.: We are so different. In general, in our family I am like a cut piece. It so happened that between me and the second sister there is a nine-year difference. And between the next – only three years. They immediately took on a life of their own. And I lived on my own. No participation was required of me, and I was not particularly eager to help. I remember a couple of times I ran to the dairy kitchen – that’s all. By the way, this is also one of the manifestations of my mother’s educational principle: to let everyone go free swimming. She never pointed out: to do only this way, and not otherwise. Everything will be different in my family, that’s for sure. (Laughs.) I already know what Varya’s duties will be!

Was your father involved in raising your daughters?

V.T.: Dad loves kids: puppies, kittens and small children. And when the children grow up, he no longer quite understands what to do with them.

What do you have from him?

V.T.: Complex nature! (Laughs.) No, of course, we won’t say that. I just have character.

What is the best thing your parents gave you?

V.T.: It’s hard to say … As a child, I always felt good, easy. I remember it with pictures – here we go for toys, here we ride a boat … There was attention, care … it was fun! This is probably why, when the second sister, Valeria, was born, I did not experience any jealousy. I just didn’t know what it was. And it’s not about the age difference – my sisters have never been jealous of each other either. Apparently, mom was so dissolved in each of us that no one experienced a lack of love. And when the moment came, I just left the house. I became more interested in life outside its walls. I disappeared 24 hours a day in a theater studio, rehearsed, went on tour, and then entered the theater institute. Now that I’ve grown up, it’s like I’m back home again. We always kept in touch with the sisters, but communication with my mother became closer precisely with the birth of Varya. Now I need her help and support.

What do you most desire for your daughter?

V.T.: To keep her healthy and happy. She was happy and laughed all the time with me. I emphasize – with me! (Laughs.) A child must be filled with love so that he is calm and knows that he is not defenseless. Only love gives a feeling of freedom, strength, talent. Naturally, it is necessary to give education – although, in my opinion, this is another story.

Do you know the feeling of loneliness?

V.T.: I can’t be alone. I have always arranged my life in such a way as not to be alone – I simply did not allow such situations. Probably, there are pleasant moments in loneliness, but not for me. I need friends, communication, I need someone to talk to.

But sometimes you need to listen to yourself – do you succeed?

V.T.: I succeed: I listen to myself at the time of work, filming. And at home – I’d rather listen to Varka! (Laughs) Fortunately, I am surrounded only by close people, and the most important among them is my husband. I don’t like to hang out at secular parties – they are not interesting to me. But with friends I feel good – with them I can be silent and talk on any topic. I reflect, of course, especially when I make mistakes, but I act more. Not necessarily on the basis of logic – a lot in a person’s life happens on an unconscious level. It just seems to us that we decide everything logically.

When do you feel completely yourself?

V.T.: I hope always. Only in roles I become, as I want to believe, someone else. But as soon as the “stop” command is sounded, I become myself again.

Do you know your shortcomings?

V.T.: Everyone around me – my mother, my husband – tell me (and soon Varya will speak) that I am a dictator, that I do not let anyone breathe in peace, because I monitor everything and control everything – especially with regard to Varya’s care. I understand them perfectly: you need to be softer, calmer. This is my negative trait, and there is nothing good in it. Nevertheless, initially I treat all people very well. A conflict, an outburst of anger can only arise in the course of work – for example, when I encounter unprofessionalism. In any case, I am a very quick-witted person – when I understand that I am wrong, it is not difficult for me to admit my guilt and ask for forgiveness. Maybe it’s a big impudence on my part – to offend and immediately apologize with ease? But in any case, it seems to me that it is better to somehow show that you feel guilty than to pretend that nothing happened.

Do you know how to thank people?

V.T.: Oh yeah! I always thank everyone. I am very grateful to my husband, mother, Varvara – for the fact that she appeared, and to all, all relatives. I am thankful for something every day. And intolerant of someone and for something – also every day. (Laughs.)

Do you think you know yourself well? Is there anything else you would like to understand about yourself?

V.T.: Most likely, I know myself well. I got used to myself, sometimes I even get bored with myself. But the profession saves me: here I didn’t study myself in as much detail as I would like … However, no – there is one thing that it would be important for me to understand about myself: I still don’t know to the end whether I am a kind person or not. Sometimes it seems that he is kind, but sometimes doubts arise … I rarely delve into myself. Especially now, when a child has appeared and you can forget about yourself altogether. Today I am very happy also because age has ceased to exist for me, and I owe this new sense of self to Varya. Finally, you can not remember how old I am – because now my girl is growing and maturing! She gave me the opportunity to become small again and grow up again – already with her. Thanks to her, I have a chance to relive my childhood.