Very Personal: 8 Things I Regretted As a Mom

“Kitten, what happened?” – I got worried.

Marusya just sighed heavily and grabbed me tighter. I felt my forehead with my lips – temperature! We measured 38 degrees. Nurofen, call my husband to work, unpacking my bags. We will spend this weekend at home. Like many others, for various reasons, but plans are often not destined to come true.

Before pregnancy, and even during it, I was sure that I would definitely not sit at home, diapers / diapers / powders would not change my life and attitude to life. Who would have told me then that everything would happen exactly the opposite. All my difficulties began with pregnancy.

Toxicosis

In home motherhood, my friends and I could have a midnight break at a noisy party, go around dozens of entertainment establishments in the city center, and in the morning, with a fog in my head, regret a little too much. The first thing I encountered during pregnancy was this very “fog”, only without evening gatherings. My head was spinning, I felt nauseous, I could only stuff a hot jalapeno sandwich from food into myself, only he did not ask to go out, apparently due to the spiciness.

It became almost impossible to work. The constant nausea did nothing to encourage creativity and creativity. Well at least the swelling and excess weight bypassed me. On the contrary, from my “diet” I have noticeably lost weight to the delight of myself and the doctor.

In the third trimester, I learned where almost all the toilets in St. Petersburg are. I always wanted to go there. The walks were more and more like a small excursion through the city closets. It became very sad when she went on maternity leave: the end of October, the street is abomination, there is nothing to do, she got to the point where she started knitting socks for the baby – an excellent thing, by the way, you can knit without leaving the toilet. But I believed: I will give birth – and everything will be fine.

Childbirth

Doctors planned the birth of Marusya on January 1. I started dreaming about childbirth from the beginning of December. When I found out that I would have a cesarean, I persuaded to do it early, as early as possible, for example, at 37 weeks. Maybe I’m selfish, maybe the mother’s heart felt that despite the ultrasound results, the baby was definitely ready for birth. But the cesarean was done only on December 29, during the operation the doctor admitted that a little more – and there could be consequences. The doctors could not correctly assess my and my daughter’s condition before the operation.

So, the caesarean is over, everything is more or less normal, if you can call that a state when you are afraid to touch your stomach, because you simply do not feel its lower third. I didn’t look at myself undressed in the mirror, I didn’t touch the seam area for 8 months! And even after 8 months I had a feeling that something would burst, disperse.

Backache

If you become a mother, then you know exactly how your back hurts. At first, you will be tormented by pain in the area of ​​the shoulder blades from the fact that you carry the child in your arms. Then your lower back will start to hurt, because the baby’s weight will increase, and the back will bend most of all in this place for balance.

Do you think that massage will save you? Forget it! Good masseurs recommend not to load the spine after the procedure. And how not to load it if, only after crossing the threshold of the house, you immediately pick up your child in your arms.

To my personal problems, you can also add the fifth floor without an elevator and a stroller. After a week of dragging the stroller back and forth, my child began to “walk” on the balcony. And with the arrival of summer and the purchase of a second stroller, the trunk of the car became. The car, if it were a man, would also be outraged, because it used to be a careful garage storage, and now it is a driveway. She may not survive another winter at home.

Beauty

First, my teeth. The way I watch their health is watched by a rare girl. My dentist has been treating me for 31 years! I was her favorite patient: once every five years – a filling, once a year – preventive teeth cleaning. After pregnancy, I became her frequent client. I need another filling once a month. Tomorrow again for the appointment. The teeth began to chip off at the edges, even with minimal stress, and had to be patched.

Next on the list is the chest. Until the age of 35, I practically did not wear underwear. With a little extra weight, I did not need support, the maximum was a light T-shirt. Now the breasts are sad and have become smaller, even pre-pregnant sizes. Feeding was not easy, if this period can be called feeding at all. After discharge, milk came to me, and on the third day my temperature was 40,5. Everything hurt me, neither pumping nor a warm shower removed the stagnation. A month later, the milk was gone. For which I received the status of a lazy irresponsible lady from local mothers who wants to ditch her child with nipples and mixtures.

The third is hair. Six months later, the tail of the mouse literally remained from my braid to the waist. Hair left me in droves. Shampoos and vitamins seemed to exacerbate this outcome. Instead of the departed, young shoots appeared, a year later I became the owner of a bang, which I had not planned. Apparently, a braid to the waist now shines for me in ten years, unless, of course, I have another baby.

Freedom

So far, I have managed to change five passports. Almost every one of them was completely filled with visas and entry-exit stamps. If I did not go on vacation, then I was sent on a business trip. Many trips were unplanned, today I bought tickets, and tomorrow I flew away. In such a case, I had a separate stack of “take off” clothes in my closet. It fit into a small backpack. And solid care products to keep your backpack in your luggage.

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant, and until the age of one and a half Marusya, I was not anywhere. Maybe two trips out of town with an overnight stay in a cottage. There will always be a million reasons why we cannot go somewhere. Either the husband has no vacation, or the grandmother cannot keep us company. I cook in the confined space of my neighborhood every day. When I stomp along the usual road towards the local park for the XNUMXth time, I put on my dark glasses so that passers-by do not see my dull eyes. Groundhog Day is guaranteed to you if you do not have good friends and relatives without work or with planned vacations.

I can describe my day in a few lines. Getting up, feeding, cleaning, feeding, sleeping baby, feeding, walking and playing, feeding, sleeping. Everything, there is no place for anything else in this schedule.

If you work, you have two days off, even if not for rest, but for a change of activity, and when you are a mother, you do not have the right to do so.

And on Saturday and Sunday you will do the same.

Add to this a four-room apartment, not very neat household members and a fluffy cat, which is always molting. Every day I have to mop the floors to keep my daughter from getting too full of wool. And this is not my whim, it is a necessity. Sometimes it seems that the mop and rag have become my continuation.

I don’t believe those mothers who do everything in time. I do not have enough time, although I am not distracted by the Internet, TV, empty phone calls, girlfriends. But often I do not have time to wash my hair or drink tea.

Communication

My husband has nothing to talk to me about. I stopped developing because impressions disappeared from my life. I can only tell you about the child, how she ate, where she was naughty again. And also about the prices of diapers, how the courier brought the next box, what dresses I bought her for the expected, but so far postponed vacation. Everything. My life revolves around a child and commonplace purchases.

I think my girlfriends have nothing to talk to me about either. Sometimes I listen to them and envy them. The world does not stand still, new tools and methods appear in our work, they apply everything and speak freely about it. I do not even remotely understand what it is about, and in fact I will soon be getting out of the decree. There is a new director at work – when I came to meet him, he looked at me as if I was an empty place.

Finance

My salary, together with my spouse’s salary, allowed me to live without problems. We have never worried about whether to buy it or not. There was enough money for everything, except perhaps an apartment. With the advent of the child, I began to live from salary to my husband’s salary. The maternity ones, which were counted to the maximum, in my case – 24 thousand rubles. It’s not even half of your past income. But I have no right to claim any additional payments. As a result, there were more family members, and almost half the money. If you sit on maternity leave until the age of three Maruska years, then the husband will have to think about additional work.

Also, if you are on maternity leave, you can not count on all sorts of loans. We had a desire to sell an apartment and buy another one, an additional payment was required, we turned to the bank for a mortgage. And they were refused. I have no taxable income or credit history. Alternatively, the broker offered to divorce and take out a loan only to my husband. Interestingly, he should also give up the child so that there are no dependents on his neck at all?

Guilt

With all these thoughts, it seems to me that I do not love my child enough. In some ways I am depriving her, somewhere I am not giving her. Perhaps, in pursuit of cleanliness, I do less with her, in a state of despondency I smile less often at Marusa. When she is sick, at first I worry that we will not go anywhere, and only then I get upset that the baby is suffering from fever.

Looking back, I realize that I loved that free life of mine with millions of possibilities. And the fact that it will never be like this again. I was not used to a new life as a mother. Perhaps something will be decided by going to work. But then I will worry about how my child grows up without me.

But all this could have been avoided simply by not becoming a mother.

Maroussia, maybe someday you will read this text. You just know that your mother loves you very much. No matter what.